Sunday, January 28, 2007

Why Am I Admitting This?

The other day, when I was driving to the bus stop, I was thinking about my friends. I was thinking about who I can really count on, and who I wouldn't trust with the really important things. (Not that I am the greatest friend ever. I have owed my friend something like $45 since July. I finally sent her the money last Monday. I do feel really bad about it, if that makes my forgetfulness and laziness any better, which it doesn't. And I did send her some extra money to make up for my freaking 6 months of laziness.) Anyway, I was thinking about my friends. And I thought, "If H died, who would I call and ask to come stay with me, and who would actually come and sleep on H's side of the bed and listen to me cry?" Obviously, I would call my family, but next I would call my two best friends, and I know that they would fly to Minnesota as soon as they could. And then I almost started weeping in my car because I was thinking about what would happen if H died. And I thought, "I cannot keep thinking about this because this is really weird and morbid. Also, I actually wore mascara today, and I do not want to be the scary person on the bus with raccoon eyes."

So I turned on NPR and listened to the news for a few minutes, and the weeping was avoided. As soon as I got to work, I called H to make sure he had gotten to work safely because I was a little freaked out that either (1) my thinking about his death had caused him to die or (2) the reason I was thinking about his death was that I sensed he had died. I am not normally superstitious, but I managed to freak myself out a little bit. And of course, H was not there when I called. I reminded myself that I was being stupid, and I talked to H later that morning, and he was fine.

I am not sure what the point of this story is except that it clearly shows that I can be a neurotic freak from time to time. And also that I love H despite the fact that he told me today I was dressed really sloppily, and when I said, "I know," he said, "I am so glad you didn't overreact to that like you normally do." I kind of love that he says these stupid things, and they make me laugh instead of annoying me.

Also, I love and trust my friends and am so lucky to have them in my life. Living so far from both of them is hard, and I have not made calling them and e-mailing them one of my top priorities. I need to change that and make sure that I do a better job keeping in touch with them, and not just when I need to vent. I think my (belated) resolution for this year is to be a better friend.


steve said...

H would be dead by now if he'd ever dated any one of my ex girlfriends.

Hell, I'd even extend that to include most women I've known.

You're not all that neurotic. I have some of those same thoughts from time to time.

laurie said...

My dad calls this "possum walking on your grave." Boy aren't you glad I posted now.

I often sit around and worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet. I always get anxiety about a future that is unwritten, apparently I am insane. But here is the thing: I think this helps you prepare for the sh***y stuff in life. For example, I recently had a freakout that my best friend dropped me for a guy she met. My freakout helped me drink 1.5 bottles of merlot *and* understand why I love her so much. Now we are fine, and I'm not as hung over.

I wish you lived in LA so we could be socially awkward together.

metalia said...

Plan to make you feel more sane commencing in 5...4...3...2...1:

I know someone who once had a similar thought about her husband, and mentally composed his eulogy, just in case. She then told me about it, for some reason.

Feel better? :)

stefanie said...

Well, I don't even have a husband to ponder losing, so instead I sometimes think really sick and morbid thoughts like, "if I got cancer or some other horrible disease, who would come over and care for me?" or "if I fell down the stairs on my way to the laundry room, how long would it take for someone to realize I was missing and come find me?"

So, um, yeah. It's not just you.

Lawyerish said...

You know, I thought that same thing not too long ago, for no apparent reason -- specifically, the thing about who would come and stay with me. It freaked me out, too, and sometimes I do have that scary feeling that just thinking about something bad will cause it to happen.

You're so NOT morbid or crazy.

Paisley said...

I do that, too. I totally freak out sometimes and think I'm crazy.

It's even worse now because I actually have had a few instances of the morbid thoughts coming true. So now I totally wig out if I have a morbid thought and I can't get M on the phone.

You aren't alone.

L Sass said...

I have been known to think (obsess) so much about the death of AS, my parents, my sister that I start to cry a lot. Then I also feel like a retard.

lizgwiz said...

You're perfectly normal. Or maybe not, but not because you needlessly worry. Hee.

I can lose sleep wondering who will take care of my animals if I die still living alone. And, like Stefanie, I worry about something happening to me at my house, and how long it would be before anyone noticed. I have told my co-workers more than once that if I don't show up to work one day, don't call, and don't answer my phone, please come right on over and break down the door. Please!

double_g said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I have neurotic thoughts sometimes too - particularly when things are going well in my life. What is wrong with human nature? Must we find things to worry about?

Oh, and I'm totally there for you. But here's hoping H will continue to say stupid things well into the future :) (And if you didn't mean me, well, I'm still here for you!)

Girl con Queso said...

Oh my, get out of my head, woman. Your recount sounds all too familiar because that's basically exactly the way I think. And then I'm freaking out (on the inside) because I'm thinking it. Nice. I'm not sure if you should feel relieved that you're not the only one, or scared that you're not the only one.

-R- said...

Of course I mean you, double_G!

claire said...

Sometimes i wonder about that too.
For instance, since i am not married to my boyfriend, how long will it take the 'authorities' to let me know that something happened? It's not like i'm his wife and they HAVE to call me. My name isn't attached to his anywhere, how will they find me? I guess i'd have to wait for his parents to find out or god forbid his ex-wife gets called before me..

Yeah, so yeah. I get it. Deep, calming breaths......

-R- said...

Steve, yes, H is very lucky that he found me.

Laurie, ha! Does two socially awkward people put together make the awkwardness seem better or worse? I am not sure.

Metalia, yes, thanks. Although I would feel even better if you would admit it was you and not "a friend."

Stefanie, I am sure the neighbors would notice eventually.

Lawyerish, I am so glad I am not the only crazy person.

Paisley, that is kind of scary that you have been right a few times. I think I would freak out.

l sass, yes, that is exactly how I felt.

Liz, ha! Some day you will forget to call in sick, and there will be a SWAT team at your door.

Girl, I definitely feel relieved.

Claire, before H and I were married, we lived in different states for a year. I wondered if anyone would contact me if something happened to H.

All, thank you for making me feel much less weird!

Yez said...

I do that too - did it today, a little bit, when my petulant cellphone did its Lone Ranger thing while I was at work. (Even when it's set to "vibrate", it sends a little William Tell Overture signal to any nearby electronics, just for spite.) I sneaked a look at the "missed call", and it was Mom's phone, so I worried about her until I could go on break and listen to the voicemail.

She'd just forgotten (AGAIN) what my work hours are, and it was a random call to move a calendar item in February - not a desperate attempt at communication before smoke inhalation, blood loss or a coronary overtook her :>