Sunday, October 28, 2007

come get your wisdom

alyndabear said...
Okay.. let me see. My question for H, a generic relationship question which may or may not be related to me.
H, at the end of the year I am moving overseas to (finally) live together with my partner of five years, who has always wanted to propose while somewhere "different". My question is this, after I'm all settled in there and should no proposals be in sight, how long should I wait before mentioning it to him? Is very awkward, but after five years I am going slowly insane.
Felt so good to get it out there. ;)

Dear Alyndabear,

If you mention it, it is the same as asking him yourself. That is not your job. Patient people are easier to marry.

stefanie said...
Hmm. Questions for H. Should I cut my hair? I am bored with it, but I like that boring = low maintenance. Also, do you know anything about concrete? I have been ignoring rather large cracks in my garage floor for two years now. Should I be worried about those? (I thought I would ask you a stereotypically girly question and a stereotypically manly one. I didn't want to put H in a box and assume he was the go-to guy for only one or the other.)

Dear Stefanie,

-R- looks good with long hair. So you would look good with long hair. If you can see dirt in the cracks in your garage, it is time to patch. Use a patching cement that does not shrink or expand.

L Sass said...
Dear H, On a scale of 1-10, how awesome are products of a certain South Dakota-adjacent regoin of Minnesota?
Also, if you could be any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, which would you be and why? (I guess that's not really advice per se, but I feel that it would be educational.)

Dear L Sass,

What the hell are you talking about? On a scale of 1 to 10, that first question was a 1. I would be Michalengelo because he talked like he was stoned all the time.

abbersnail said...
Question for H:
If you and -R- both loved the same color of M&Ms particularly well, and if you purchased a giant bag of them, would you eat all of the color that you liked, save them for her, or split them?
I think that might be the dumbest question ever. Awesome.

Dear abbersnail,

What do you think?

sognatrice said...
Yesterday before my dog gave birth I had *a lot* of questions, but they've fallen by the wayside as the bitch pretty much did everything herself. Thank goodness!
So all I have right now is "Do you want a puppy?"
Cuz we gots puppies.

Dear sognatrice,

I have been begging for a puppy for two years. -R- won't allow it, because we are never home long enough to take proper care of it. Plus, one bitch in the house is plenty.

Barb said...
Question for H: Does loving Shaun of the Dead mean I'm old and lame?
How about the "up at o'dark-thirty and in bed by 8" thing?

Dear Barb,

No, cause I like Shaun of the Dead and I am awesome and so are you. As long as it is not on a weekend then that does not make you lame.

Matt said...
I went to the dentist the other day and was dutily informed that they need new xrays of my teeth. The lady then proceeded to drap a lead blanket over my chest, stuff my mouth with cotton, aim the xray thing at my saw and then quickly split the room. I asked her why she left the room and she said for safety.
My question is if it is so safe why must I wear a lead blanket and the dentist leave the room? And if it is not safe will this lead blanket really protect me as the ray gun was aimed point blank at my head.

Dear Matt,

Did you live under power lines as a kid? It is safe to get an xray every once in awhile. It is not safe to repeatedly be in the room while administering many xrays over several hours five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. So she leaves the room during every xray. Xrays can not penetrate lead, your brain is safe and tell the xray tech to not turn the machine up to 11, it seems you only have a couple of brain cells to spare.

nancypearlwannabe said...
Dear H,
What is the appropriate course of action if your co-worker has been calling you the wrong name for three years and you've never corrected her because she's old and you don't want to embarrass her? But it has now gotten so out of control that other co-workers are teasing you about it?
Thanks ever so much!
Best regards,
Sandy "NPW" Librarian

Dear nancypearlwannabe,

You need some one to solve this problem for you? Step one, walk up to the lady. Step two, tell lady your real name. Step three, be nice about it. Step four, rinse. Step five, repeat for necessary volume.

lizgwiz said...
My car makes a kind of rattling, clackity noise only when I accelerate. I don't want to spend any more money on this aging car, so when I hear the noise, I usually just sing louder. Am I being really stupid? (I have roadside assistance, which probably gives me some sort of false comfort.)
Also, when a guy tells you over and over how beautiful your eyes are, is it because your eyes really are extraordinary, or because he can't think of anything else to compliment you on? ;)

Dear lizgwiz,

Does it happen when you have the ac/heat fans on? If it does you have a loose fan that is rubbing against something. It is not a big propblem, you can probably ignore it. With more information I could fix it. It means he wants you to put the lotion in the basket, or you have a problem with taking compliments.

Lara said...
Dear H,
What should I dress my dog as for Halloween? Also, did you and R decide not to move to Philadelphia? Boo to you, if so.
Lara ;)

Dear Lara,

What did the dog ever do to you? He is your pet, and not your punchline.

Noelle said...
Dear H,
Why do bad things happen to good people? And how can I make sure that bad things happen to the bad people who deserve it?

Dear Noelle,

Because good people can deal with bad things happening to them. Everyone gets what is coming to them, and wishing bad things on people may make you a bad person, so don't do it.

JayAre said...
Dear H,
If you found spiders in your kitchen cabinets, would you call an exterminator?
Also, which do you think is better, chicken fajitas or beef fajitas?

Dear JayAre,

No, unless it is a black widow or a brown recluse. If so move out and start a new life in a place without spiders. Roast Beef fajitas.

One Smart Cookie said...
Now, questions for H. Does your name really start with an H? If you could choose any name to be yours, what would you choose? What is your stripper name? And why did you say that you are like Ann Landers, when clearly Dear Abby is superior? What do you have against Dear Abby?

Dear One Smart Cookie,

No, mine, Diego South, because I am an anti-semite.

-R- said...
My question for H is: what should I tell my mom and my sister to get you for Christmas? Do not say an Xbox because that is never going to happen.

Dear -R-,

How bout a half used bottle of suntan lotion and t-shirts from outlet malls, again like last year.

Lawyerish said...
For H:
If you decided to become a rapper, what would you call yourself?
Also, if you could become world famous for one thing, what would it be?

Dear Lawyerish,

D.J. Scratchin' Fish. Most tacos eaten in five minutes.

Sarah said...
Dear H,
You look so hott in all of the pics that R posts of you. I mean, I don't know how you have any clothes left because I am sure da ladies tear them off the second you step outside. Be honest, how many boobs have you signed? In short, how does one harness such raw sex appeal?

Dear Sarah,

I have actually written my phone number on a chicks butt. However she did not call me. I should have written it backwards so she could check it in the mirror. Ask -R- about the harnessing.... if you know what I mean.

janet said...
What does my husband want for Christmas?

Dear janet,

What every man wants. To be like me.

jen said...
I am so impressed by your mastery of Microsoft Paint and H's mastery of the sandwich that I am stumped for questions for H.
Except maybe (because I am sadly highly literal): what is your favorite sandwich and why?

Dear jen,

Ice cream sammich, because it is made from ice cream.

KM said...
Since H has not posted yet, can I still get in on 'Ask H'? If so, my question is: Has R changed at all since becoming a, what was it called? Blogebrity?

Dear KM,

She has a little more bounce in her step, and soon she will be in rehab with Britney and Lindsey.

That is all. Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question. Only stupid people that ask questions.



-R- said...

I promised not to edit H's post, and for that I am truly sorry. I think the power of answering questions has gone to his head.

Barb said...

Thanks H!

At first I thought you meant that watching Shaun of the Dead on a weekend meant I was old and lame, and I was all "oh crap!" - because I watched it last night (Saturday)... then I realized you were talking about the early-to-bed-and-early-to-rise part. Which is also an "oh crap" moment since dog show weekends are mostly when I do that sort of thing.

But I still enjoyed all the Q&A!

One Smart Cookie said...

I think H stalled on answering these questions so that he had more time to think of witty answers. Because no one is this witty without some serious time going into it. However, this was an excellent guest post so it was certainly worth the wait!

Marmite Breath said...

Damn, I did not get in on this "Ask H" thing this time.

However, since we are old buddies and all that, I bet I can be late to the party, right?

Dear H,
How many bottles of used suntan lotion did you drink before answering these questions?

PS) Harness! BWAHHHHH!!!!!!!

lizgwiz said...

I can breathe easier now knowing that the almighty H says I can ignore my car's rattle. Yay!

Jenny said...

I am in love with H.

For reals.

abbersnail said...

Holy crap, that was SO worth the wait.

Good work making my coffee come out of my nose.


Lara said...

H, I suspect you and my husband Rob would be great friends, because his response to the "what to dress the dog as for Halloween" was similar. Also, I died laughing at "one bitch in the house is plenty" comment. Awesome. Who needs Ann Landers when we have H?

L Sass said...

OMG, I totally tried to bond with H over our shared roots in a certain South Dakota-adjacent region of Minnesota and he TOTALLY dissed me. BURN!

nancypearlwannabe said...

Oh, snap. H's advice makes so much sense. And yet, I probably still won't tell the woman.


I'm a girl, not a guy.

Stefanie said...

Frankly, I have no idea why a major newspaper syndicate hasn't snatched H up and put him on staff yet. It's bound to happen now that you're BOTH famous, though.

jen said...

Of course! How could anyone NOT answer "ice cream sandwich (or sammich)". -R-, you have chosen well.

KM said...

Love. This. Post.