Help

I am giving a toast/speech at my friend's wedding on Saturday. Any advice? Please, I need help.

In honor of the upcoming wedding toast/speech, I will tell you about two weddings I attended where I witnessed speeches of infamy.

The first SOI (speech of infamy) was at a wedding of one of H's friends. The bride's two sisters talked for about five minutes. They were wasted. They were young and blonde. At the end of the speech, one of the sisters made a semi-racist comment. All heads in the room swiveled to look at the two non-white people in the room, who happened to be sitting next to me. I did not look over at them, but I believe they just pretended like they hadn't heard the comment. For the record, both the bride and groom looked horrified at the sister's comment.

After the bridesmaids' SOI, the best man stood to talk. We were all waiting for him to finish talking so that we could start our meal. But he kept talking. And talking. And talking. And talking. After at least five minutes, the guy next to me whispered, "At the next pause, just start clapping." So when the best man took a deep breath, our table started applauding, and everyone joined in. Everyone clapped until the best man finally raised his glass in a toast, and we succesfully ended another SOI.

Tomorrow: Tales of the Tackiest SOIs Ever