Yesterday, I promised to deliver the story of the tackiest wedding speeches, and I shall not break my promise.
H and I attended a wedding to which we were not invited. Weird, strange, tacky... yes, I know. The story behind this is that our nephew was the ringbearer for the wedding of the friends of H's sister (and H's sister's husband). The sister-in-law asked H and I to babysit their two kids after the dinner so that she and her husband could enjoy the reception. The sister-in-law then invited us to attend the dinner part of the reception. I said, no, we would find our own dinner. (FYI: this wedding was taking place in a town several hours from where H and I lived.) The sister-in-law said that the bride and groom had already ok'ed inviting us to the dinner, so we decided to go.
Finally, to the actual part of the story about the wedding. H and I showed up at the reception and noticed that the guests were an interesting cast of characters. One girl's outfit was so skimpy that H nicknamed her Low Self-Esteem Girl. One guest was wearing a canary yellow tuxedo. Another guest was wearing hole-ridden jeans and a t-shirt advertising Marlboros.
The dinner was fine. And then the best man stood up to give a toast. I can quote the first line to you because I don't think I will ever be able to forget it: "[Bride] and [Groom] are so similar that they are just like the same person except with different genitalia." Oh, yeah. You just know that any toast that includes the word "genitalia" is going to be good. The best man mentioned some drunken indiscretions of the groom and talked about how many ladies the groom had slept with, which is always a nice addition to any speech given in front of one's grandparents. I will say one good thing: the speech was pretty short. So way to go, guy.
The best man's toast was followed by the maid of honor's. She started by saying that the bride and groom had met on spring break one year and had spent the whole week in Cancun having sex with each other. Lovely. She followed this up by talking about the time the bride and groom had been having sex at the bride's parents' house and the bride's dad almost walked in on them, but, luckily, the groom managed to escape detection by hiding naked in the closet. And I cannot even congratulate the maid of honor on being shortwinded. I remember the description of sexual exploits going on and on. I did notice that the toast brought tears to the eyes of the bride's parents, but I am not sure that they were tears of joy.