Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Important Life Questions

I took the light rail home tonight. I wrote a long explanation of why, but it was really boring, and you don't care.

The guy across from me was wearing a bike helmet. Is it just me, or would you wait until you got to your stop to put on the helmet? Maybe the bike next to him wasn't his, and he was just wearing the helmet because he was worried about light rail safety.

In July, I was on the light rail and was seated behind a homeless man holding a jar on his lap. The jar was like the kind I imagine you could buy at CostCo if you wanted to buy 10 gallons of mayonnaise. He was just sitting there with this giant jar on his lap, and I could kind of see the contents. It looked like the jar contained severed fingers. I was concerned. Then the man opened the jar and pulled something out, and I was almost too scared to look. But he had just pulled a sandwich out of the jar. A normal sandwich, not one made of severed fingers, in case you were worried. I shared this story in the comments of Lawyerish's site a long time ago, and it freaked her out a little bit.*

I had totally forgotten about this story until today. Lawyerish sent me a normal e-mail that ended with, apropos of nothing, "Every once in a while I think of the guy with the sandwich in a jar and I shudder." And I knew what she was talking about, and I laughed. But then a partner walked past my office, so I put on my serious, contemplative face.

*Actually, I left a comment, but then it disappeared, but I see that it has now magically reappeared. Weird.


Hollowsquirrel posted a survey the other day. Her theory was that the answers to two questions are a good predictor of whether she will like you in real life. Her two questions:

1. Elvis or the Beatles?
2. Charlie or Bailey?

If you do not know that Charlie and Bailey refer to members of the Salinger family on Party of Five, then why are you even reading this because you are dead to me? Just kidding. Sort of.

I checked out Hollowsquirrel's site again today, and she had graphed the results of the survey. I was the only one who picked Bailey!** I don't understand! Why does Bailey get no love? Why am I all alone?

So I am going to conduct my own survey. Yes, there are correct and incorrect answers. It doesn't matter whether you are male, female, gay, straight, young, or old. The correct answers are the same. So, here it is:

1. Kenny Rogers or Dolly Parton?
2. Noel or Ben?

If enough people answer, I shall tally the results for you.

** Hollowsquirrel has updated her chart to show that I do have one friend. Yay!


janet said...

okay this is non poll related but....

My senior year of college I took a bio class called Human Reproduction. The prof (awesome woman) brought in her 30 year old placenta from her third son into class in a giant jar filled with listerine. Yes, all of that. Jar. Placenta. Listerine. 30 years old.

And the best part? She rode her bike to campus every day, so I couldn't help but imagine her biking in with a placenta jar. I dearly hope she got a ride that day.

Stinkypaw said...

I would wait as long as possible to wear the helmet, 'cause I just hate it!

Kenny Rogers before his surgery/facelift whatever... and Noel.

...I may not get the right answers, but then again I know where I stand! ;-)

sognatrice said...

I'm going with Kenny Rogers because he also contributed chicken to the mix (as opposed to just breasts--hah!), and Ben even though I'd have more in common with Noel. I find Noel's insecurity quite unattractive whereas Ben's dimpled-chin is very inviting. And gawd when he smiles...*heart flutters*

Sparkling Cipher said...

Okay, I think between Party of Five and Felicity I've watched two episodes. If you don't believe me, I read "Charlie or Bailey" and was like "Oh, Charlie Brown for sure. Beetle Bailey is so annoying."

But anyway, if I am going to choose, it's based on looks alone. So Charlie over Bailey and Ben over Noel.

As for the others - Beatles - definitely - over Elvis (though he was HOT in the early years, but musically no contest), and Kenny over Dolly. I love The Gambler and recently forced my sweetie to watch Six Pack because I thought it was just WRONG that he had never seen it.

L Sass said...

Ben, Ben all the way!

and I secretly love Dolly Parton, even though The Gambler makes Kenny R. a close second.

stefanie said...

Maybe the guy was having a bad hair day, so he figured might as well leave the helmet on.

As for your poll... I have the same problem with the Noel/Ben question as I'd have with the Charlie/Bailey question. I want an amalgam of the two; neither one is particularly ideal.

That said, I'd pick Noel for his smarts and his kindness. He really would have done anything for Felicity. Ben is sexy, but had not so much upstairs.

As for Kenny vs. Dolly, I'll pick Dolly, but it's a pretty noncommittal choice, so if that answer is wrong, there's no need to disown me as a friend because of it.

Anonymous said...

Oh my lands, I heart you. If I were still living in Uptown, I'd beg you to meet me at Soho so we could discuss Ben vs Noel over stromboli. BUT since I don't, let me just say: THIS Ben/Noel was my other x axis choice. And I own all seasons of Felicity on DVD. HEART.

The Ben/Noel decision is a little more muddy for me than Charlie/Bailey because Noel is so much more endearing than Bailey ever was. Noel is the smart choice, but I'm thinking with my groinal zone: Ben.

And then Dolly or Kenny? Hmmm... I don't particularly care for either. The one time I heard my father swear, it was in reference to Kenny: "he's an asshole." So does that make me choose Kenny or stand firm against him? WOW. This is difficult. I'll go with Dolly because Kenny has the bad plastic surgery. And my dad thinks he's an asshole.

Dolly. Ben. Plot away...

don't call me MA'AM said...

Eeek.. finger sandwiches. I'm a-skeered now.

As for your poll:

Dolly- because she owns her wackiness and admits to all the plastic surgery she's had. Kenny is too freaky now. Plus, after all the Mad TV skits with "Crazy Kenny," I can't even look at the guy anymore.

The last choice is more difficult... and I'm much like hollowsquirrel. I loved Noel because he was such a good guy. But I lust-loved Ben. So, yeah. Ben wins.

Galoot said...

Dolly has more country street cred than Kenny. Though it is likely a fake street in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee...

Noel, for sure. Ben was an utter prick. I mean dick. Yeah, didn't he always call people that name. You're so cool Ben!

jes said...

1) Neither

2) Who?

PreppyGirl said...

BAILEY OF COURSE! - (Hello, McFly?)

My gut reaction on Dolly/Kenny is Dolly - but I have a soft spot in my heart for Kenny too (yes, pre-facelift-gone-awry).

Noel, hands down. I was so pissed when they did the "dream" episode where they showed you what Felicity would be like if she'd picked Noel. It was a total freaking rip-off. They should have just called the episode "what her life would be like if Noel was dead" - then I wouldn't have wasted my time watching it. I'm still not over it.

Edge said...

Oh crap, I need to get to laywerish, because I need to vote for Bailey. I even bought the black jeep because of him.

BTW - I keep my sandwiches in a hollowed out old TV. I get the strangest of looks. Go figure.


chirky said...

Fine. I'll admit it. I had to Google "ben and noel" and guess what? They were on Felicity.


That's interesting, cause I recall watching that show in college, thinking how much I liked Felicity's hair, and after watching a couple episodes thinking to myself: I could really get into this show.

Uhhhh. Apparently I never did, though. Huh. Why is that? Will investigate and get back to you. Will also promise that indeed, I am not a 50-year-old man.

Though today I kind of feel like it.

-R- said...

Whatever, Old Man Chirky.

I am wondering now if H even knows who Ben and Noel are. I will investigate.

Is no one else completely scared by Janet's comment? The professor probably had two more placentas in jars at home. Aaa!

beingmccrary said...

This is my 2nd attempt at this comment since my boss walked in while I was typing the first one and I had to close out all boxes!

Anyway, Dolly was in Steel Magnolias, Kenny was in The Six Pack. It's too hard...I don't want them emailing me all mad after they read this. I love them both.

jeannette said...

Hey - I didn't watch Felicity. And I don't like Dolly Parton but I don't know who Kenny Rogers is. So I'm guessing I'm not gonna be your friend very long! At least I tried.

Silly Hily said...

So, here I am. The other Bailey lover. Your lone friend on THE chart. It might not stay that way for long though after I answer your questions. You might curse me with HS.
I never watched Felicity! Ahhhhh (covering face). And I can NOT pick between Kenny and Dolly. Hellllooooo! "Islands in the Stream". How can anyone pick one or the other?
You see that point where the X and Y axis cross? Yup, plot my ass right there. Heck, at least this way, I'm not sitting in a quadrant all by myself.
(And Janet's story made me throw up a little in my mouth.)

stefanie said...

Am I the only one who is totally unaware of this plastic surgery catastrophe Kenny has supposedly undgergone?? I should do some research there.

And yes, R, I was equally mortified by the placenta in the jar. Eesh.

Lawyerish said...

I am choosing to ignore the placenta in a jar, because, hello? I found a SANDWICH in a jar upsetting. Anything weirder/grosser than that is too much for my fragile constitution to bear.

I am in the Bailey camp. By a LOT. (Hello? Dimples?) Griffin, by the way, was also hot, but extremely stupid.

NOEL. NOEL, definitely. Although I will admit to having "groinal" (HEE) feelings for Ben. But taking them as whole people? Ben's the guy you mess around with, Noel's the guy you marry. I'm going long-term, here, people.

And I am pro-Dolly. Kenny Rogers is a leathery mask and nothing more.

Silly Hily said...

And I just realized the "friend" you were talking about was the other person in your quadrant. I'm still all alone in my quadrant. Oh well, I guess we'll always have Bailey.

lizgwiz said...

Dolly, definitely. Underneath the wacky exterior is a really talented woman.

And, um...I never watched Felicity. Or Party of Five. I'll go ahead and cross myself off your friends list now. Sigh.

Jhianna said...

You lured me out of lurkdom for the poll - sheer genius....

I gotta go with Dolly because she's just so much fun. Great sense of humor and seems like she'd be one of those women you'd like to know forever.

And Ben or Noel? Yeah - Noel all the way. Ben was a hottie, but he's the flash guy that catches your eye/groin and will end up making you feel like roadkill in a ditch.

Em said...

As an aside: the season finale of Party of Five in which Bailey's girlfriend dies of an overdose? OMG! Pure national television magic, right there! It was the first time I had ever cried (read: sobbed) due to something viewed on television. for that, I will forever remember that episode and my love for the show (that is, until it became all about Neve and her stupid boyfriend Justin -- just have a baby and get it over with already!)

metalia said...

First of all, I'd like to thank Chirky for her public service announcement, as I had no idea who Noel and Ben were, either. (Why yes, I HAVE been living in a cave. on Mars. WIth my eyes shut. And my hands over my ears.) Can we still be friends?

As for the first poll, I'd have to say the Beatles, and BAILEY. How could there have only been two of you who picked him?!

double_g said...

Back to the bike helmet. There is a certain Nobel prize winner in my department who rides his bike into campus every day, and keeps his helmet on while he's in the building. I can't help but smile.

Christine said...

My goodness. I am dead to you. I am so sorry.

Goodness. Beatles? and then I'll go with Charlie, not based on character representation because I saw all of one episode, but on looks alone.

-R- said...

Don't worry! I will still love all of you even if you don't know who Ben, Noel, Charlie, and Bailey are. I am a little worried about Jeannette because she doesn't know who Kenny Rogers is though. But since she was my only friend in hollowsquirrel's poll, I will forgive her.

I will tally the results and post them this weekend. I know you are all on the edge of your seats!

LC said...


Dolly all the way. She's that one unconditional friend kind of gal.


Ben. If only because I cannot stand Noel's insecure side.

laurie said...

Dolly, FOR SURE! I wanted to be Dolly Parton when I grew up... I still do.

Ben is hotter, but Noel gets my vote because he was willing to schedule in a "lose my virginity" date with Felicity.

I heart you for understanding that the Ben/Noel question is still totally relevant ....

Kim said...

guess I'm late on this, but I would've picked Bailey over Charlie any day! When the show was on I thought he was a babe. Of course now, Matthew Fox is way hot on 'Lost'.

As for your questions...I'm not into either Kenny or Dolly.

...and I had no idea who Ben or Noel were, until I read some of the comments.

...I guess we shall only share a love for Bailey.

-R- said...

It is never too late to weigh in on important issues such as these, people!

I also love how you are either trying to justify your answer or convince other people to vote the same as you in the comments.

Also, I love all comments that nonchalantly throw in "Nobel Prize winner."

jen said...

Noel was just too much of a goody-two shoes for me. Perhaps this explains my poor past dating choices?

And I'm sorry, I cannot choose between Dolly and Kenny. They are islands in the stream, that is what they are.

JayAre said...

I am SO too late on this poll, but I just gotta throw in my answer. Kenny ALL THE WAY (before scary facelift) because Dolly has an annoying speaking voice. And NOEL NOEL NOEL a thousand times NOEL because I found it incredibly annoying that Ben could never seem to speak above a whisper.

Isabel said...

Dude...I SWEAR I posted to this. But I guess not.

And why do you and HS pick shows that were out while I was in college and far too cool/busy making out to watch TV? (Too busy to watch TV? The horror.) So the whole "Felicity" thing passed me by. GASP!

I always liked Kenny Rogers, but only because my Dad had the same beard. (Is that odd? Yes.)

Was Ben the guy she moved to be by? Yeah, he was hot.

Isabel said...

I had to come back and read Janet's story.


That should be not be allowed.