Last Kiss

My heart almost burst on Thursday night when I watched Jim and Pam talk on the phone during The Office. I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I used to get when I had a huge crush on a guy but didn't know if he liked me back. The feeling is part anxiousness and part hopefulness. For me, it was usually mostly anxiousness. It was horrible to want someone to like me so much and to not know if he liked me back at all. Or worse to know that he didn't like me "that way" or not at all. But in the rare moment in which I found out that the person I was crushing on actually did like me back... It sounds so dorky, but it was really just sheer bliss. Momentary bliss, but still. And I won't ever have that feeling again.

Would I trade being married to H for anything? No. Does he make me happier than I ever have been? Yes. He continues to surprise me, make me laugh every day, impress me with his strength, and give me butterflies (metaphorically speaking). I am sure he will continue to make me happy in ways I can't yet imagine. But there are also things I will never experience again because I am married, and that is a little bit sad.

For Those Who Doubted Me

You will notice in the second picture that I have drawn an arrow pointing out a sign that The Holiday House has hung on the mock fence. This sign indicates that some items were stolen from the yard of The Holiday House. I am not sure exactly what was taken, but the giant gargoyle is no longer in the yard. I think it would have been very difficult to steal a 5 foot tall gargoyle, so maybe it was just damaged in the robbery? Anyway, the whole yard has been reorganized. It is still looking Hallow-tastic, and there are new additions to the yard. I just hope the owners have not informed the police that there is a creepy girl in a Mazda who keeps taking pictures of the house, so please question her. I am only guilty of enjoying the craziness that is The Holiday House.

The Holiday House

The quickest way to get to my house involves driving past a few strange houses in my neighborhood. My favorite is The Holiday House. But first I will show you my least favorite house. In September 2005, when we moved in, the least favorite house had no decorations up. And then for Christmas, they put some lights up... around the middle of their house. It seemed kind of weird, but I thought that they must be putting the lights around the middle of the house so that they would be easy to take down in January even if it was icy. But no. Here is what the house looked like in April 2006.



This is also what the house looks like now. Christmas lights around the middle of their house ALL YEAR ROUND. Lovely.

And now I bring you THIRTEEN THINGS CURRENTLY IN THE YARD OF THE HOLIDAY HOUSE:

1. Fake metal fence around the entire yard.
2. Skulls on poles surrounding the entire yard.
3. Tombstones.
4. Decapitated kneeling bride.
5. Vampire groom standing over the bride.
6. Skeleton in a bed.
7. Grim reaper looking over the skeleton in a bed.
8. Ghoul waiter.
9. Two ghouls being served dinner by ghoul waiter at a fancy table.
10. Giant coffin.
11. Five foot tall inflatable gargoyle with flashing red eyes.
12. Ghosts hanging from trees.
13. Orange lights and flood lights and all kind of lights.


This picture does not capture the true craziness that is The Holiday House. I will try to take another picture for you tomorrow.

So last year when we saw The Holiday House in all its Halloween glory, H and I got really excited to see what The House would do for Christmas. Because if they go this crazy for Halloween, they must just have real live reindeer in their yard at Christmas.

And then in December... Nothing. Not a single decoration for Christmas or Hannukah. Ok, so maybe they are not religious. Not a big deal. But then in the Spring...



WTF? Who decorates for EASTER but not for CHRISTMAS? Answer: The Holiday House.

(This was only the beginning of the decorating. They like to put out a little decoration each day.)

PS The Holiday House requests that people bring nonperishable food items and put them in the coffin for donation to local food shelters. Last year, The Holiday House collected several hundred pounds of food (according to the sign in their yard.)

Baby, Baby

The stars are shining for you. And just like me, I'm sure that they adore you.

That was a little tune from Amy Grant for you. My first concert ever. Oh yeah. It was totally rockin'.

But anyway, it is time for a confession. (Telling you about my Amy Grant concert was apparently not enough.) I have been asked when H and I are going to have children. I have discussed this before, but what I have not told you is that I always act like H and I have no plans for babies. I act like, Maybe we'll have them, maybe we won't. But H and I have discussed when we would like to have kids, and we even have an idea of when we want to start trying. But I have never told anyone that before! I like to pretend that there has been no discussion of babies. I am a married woman. Why am I embarassed about this? But I am. And no, I will not tell you what the general timeline is. Even if I know you in real life. Especially if I know you in real life.

I have been also asked if H and I have picked out names for our non-existent future children. And I pretend like I think it is really weird that someone would pick out kid names when there are no kids in their near future. (Or are there? Wouldn't you like to know. But there aren't.) The truth is H and I totally have a boy name and a girl name picked out. We have had names picked out for YEARS. There has been some heavy negotiation involved because H was really set on one certain girl name: Abraxis. ABRAXIS. ABRAXIS. OMG, people. With the name Abraxis, our future hypothetical daughter would either become a Japanese anime freak or a household cleaner (like Comet). Over the past few years I have talked H out of this name, and we have chosen a name that I like. But I will not tell you what it is. H and I agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone, and then H told his whole family last Christmas what names we had picked. I gave him a look across the table, indicating that I was shooting imaginary death rays at him with my eyes, and his family smartly changed the subject and no one has mentioned the incident since.

My friend just had a baby last week, and in the pictures, the baby is so adorable. I just want to scoop her up and snuggle for hours. I am sad that my nephew is a little toddler now and is too busy running around like a baby Frankenstein (how does he run without bending his knees? It is so adorable) to snuggle with me. I am not experiencing any sort of baby fever, but even I (who never admits ANYTHING... except on my blog) must admit that baby cuddling looks fun.

Down on the Farm

Our youngest nephew turned one on October 10th. We went to the family farm for an extended family event. What do you buy a one-year-old? I asked around at work and got some good ideas for toys that a one-year-old might actually play with but would not annoy the parents too much. I talked to H about the list and asked him to go pick something out. H picked out a super cute stuffed puppy that plays super annoying songs. It wasn't on the list, but as H said, we don't have to live with it. As it turns out, H's sister LOVED it. She had bought the same musical puppy for a friend's kid the week before. Our nephew was not quite as excited about it.

X
Maybe if I look this way, the puppy will leave me alone.


X
Yes, yes, I know there is a puppy behind me. I just don't care. Sigh.

X
At least someone likes it.


Every year, H's parents' neighbors make wine out of whatever weeds they happen to have around. Seriously. I have yet to try it, but doesn't it look like it must be really good?

Umm, no, it doesn't look like it must be good. I think these are elderberry and rhubarb, but I'm just guessing.


Anyway, we got to stay at the lake house of an aunt and uncle. The lake house is pretty close to the farm. This is not shocking because there is a lake approximately every 10.2 feet in Minnesota. Here is the view from our bedroom in the lake house.

Very nice.

Coming Up Next

It has been an exciting weekend of some work-related stuff and a non-work-related trip to the farm. When I get back from SuperTarget I shall provide a farm update and the reason behind the picture of H and CT (that is what we call Justice Thomas around these parts). Stay tuned.

I've Never

S-paw of Stories-2-Tell (link on the sidebar) has tagged me for a meme, so I am going to use it for my Thursday Thirteen. Instead of revealing 9 things about myself and tagging 6 more people, I shall reveal 13 things about myself and tag no one. I'm such a rebel.

So the thirteen things about myself that I shall reveal are thirteen things that I have never done. Like the drinking game "I've Never," which I don't think I have ever played. (Is the game called "I Never"? And too bad, because I am calling it "I've Never.") If you would like to play, take a drink for every item on the following list that you have done but I have never done. Or you could just leave a comment and tell me how many drinks you would have taken if we had actually been playing. It's up to you, really.

I've Never:

1. Watched "Dancing With the Stars"
2. Shoplifted
3. Gone on a blind date
4. Thrown up in a bar (or even from drinking, although I can think of a couple of times when it was really close)
5. Been arrested
6. Played I've Never
7. Been to Canada or Mexico (I've been to islands in the Carribean and Ireland, England, France, Belgium, and Italy, but never Canada or Mexico!)
8. Experienced an earthquake, hurricane, or tornado
9. Been to a strip club
10. Gone bungee jumping
11. Been skinny dipping
12. Broken a bone
13. French-kissed a girl


H just had to drink eleven times.

Fashion Show, Fashion Show, Fashion Show at My Blog*

*This is from The Office and also from 3carnations' blog. Except, in the title, replace "My Blog" with "Lunch."

Since I bragged about my new fashionable ways, I thought I owed you some pictures. (Plus, you asked for them.)

Monday, I wore this. The khaki jacket was one of my new purchases.


Then today, I wore the exact opposite of yesterday's outfit. Is that a fashion faux pas?

Sorry, this is almost as bad as my picture of the Arch in St. Louis. You will just have to trust my labelling.

You will also have to imagine my "new" haircut since I have no head in these photos.

I have not worn this outfit yet, but here are the other new items I bought. The pants need to be hemmed, but that is to be expected when I buy pants. The shirt makes my eyes look bluer than usual, which again, you will have to imagine.

Please also imagine that "bluer" is a word.

Finally, and randomly, a photo of my fridge, a la Stefanie.


I have attempted to label the items on my fridge.

1. In the top left corner, is the local high school football schedule. We got this magnet when we bought something from a high school player going door to door to raise money for the team. Seriously, how many more people are going to knock on our door!

2. Vikings and Gophers football schedules on one magnet

3. Magnet with the city's important phone numbers

4. Magnets I made - Stefanie had these too. I was going to make a ton and give them as gifts, but mine are kind of ugly, and also, I got tired of making them after six or however many are on my fridge.

5. A realtor magnet for a realtor and realty company we have never used

6. A business card for someone we will never call

7. A service phone number for something, but I am not sure what

8. Glow-in-the dark magnet from the electric company

9. Nieces and nephews

10. The city's recycling info

11. A fake American Express card - notice how I specify that it is fake in case you think we glue our real credit cards to the fridge.

12. A picture of H and Justice Clarence Thomas

13. Wedding invitation from the Texas bride - this is the wedding I was in this May. I hate to throw it away because it was expensive and is really pretty, but I really don't need directions to this church in Houston anymore.

I have noticed a theme here; I really need to get rid of some junk on my fridge!

Potent Potables

I keep writing about totally innocent stories, and then EVERY TIME it turns into a work story. I cannot stop. But I feel like I must write something. I even have funny ideas, but when I write them, they are not funny because I have work on my mind. And ninjas. I keep wanting to write about my ninja gun. Aren't you tired of my ninja gun yet? I was upstairs working in the office, and when my husband came up to check on me, I totally shot him with a ninja. It was great. Ninja ambush!

We are going to H's hometown this weekend and staying in the previously mentioned aunt and uncle's cabin. I should link to it, but I am lazy. I am looking forward to seeing the nieces and nephews. It is a family reunion of sorts, so it should be interesting.

I bought some clothes this weekend, and they are fashionable. It is quite the accomplishment for me. I wore my new jacket to work today, and no one noticed. I have accepted this. Especially after the skirt incident. (Again, too lazy to link.) One lady complimented my haircut though. Too bad I haven't had a haircut for at least a month. Oh well. She went on this long speech about how proud she was that I cut my hair and how much younger I look now. It is unfortunate that I already look to be about 18. I get carded all the time. Not that I am out drinking all the time, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I guess I look 8 now. I grow my hair out and cut it short every so often, so a haircut is really not a big deal. I don't need a pep talk about it. Especially since I didn't even get a haircut. But I guess it was nice of her to notice [my non-existent haircut]?

Friday Two-and-a-Half

The ninjas have already arrived. And as promised, I have been shot with many ninjas already. I have tried to do some shooting of my own, but my aim and distance are not very accurate (read: the ninjas go straight up in the air when I shoot). With some practice, I could get good at this.

*****

A guy H and I don't know very well but who we went to law school with told a friend of ours that he is surprised that H and I are married. The guy said he can't picture us together. I can understand that to a certain extent. H and I are very different. H is tall. I am short. H is intense about sports. I like watching sports sometimes, but I am not fanatical (except about March Madness). H is really into working out and lifting weights. I prefer reading. H is very smart but hates to study. I spent most of law school in the library. If H does not like the way someone is acting, he is not usually shy about telling them. I avoid confrontation.

Our friend told the guy that H and I are good together because we have the same sense of humor, enjoy a lot of the same things, and have the same quirkiness about us. Maybe that sounds weird, but I think that is a decent explanation of why we work as a couple.

*****

Things I still need to blog about:
bad interviews
photo of my fridge (I am copying Stefanie, although probably not in as much detail because I cannot live up to her awesomeness.)
true things H refuse to believe (see my comment to Lawyerish in previous post - examples: clover, DDP)

If there is anything else special you want me to write about, please let me know. I may have to post some more cute baby pictures of my sister, since she liked the last one so much.

Also, if you have any more ideas of what I should put on my Christmas list, please share your ideas in the comments!

King and Queen of the Dorks (With a Side of Ninjas)

Someone who I happen to think is very cool has started a new blog about fitness. Check it out. It has inspired me to take better care of myself (starting now).

*****

Last night, H and I watched Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip together. Right after the credits, there is a scene where the actors are practicing a skit while the crew watches. One of the crew members was Lucy Davis, who played Dawn on the British version of The Office.

"Look! It's Dawn from The Office!" I yelled. I get excited easily.

"Oh," said H.

The scene went on, and then they showed Lucy/Dawn again.

"It's Dawn from The Office again!" I said.

"Oh," said H.

After the show, I said to H that I thought it was really cool that Lucy/Dawn was in the show, even though she only had one line. H had no idea what I was talking about. He apparently did not understand my shouts of "It's Dawn from The Office!" or perhaps he is just good at tuning me out. H denied that Lucy/Dawn was on the show last night, and we searched the internet but could find no mention of it. So we made a bet about whether Lucy/Dawn had been on Studio 60 or not.

Then this morning, I arrived at work to find that H had already sent me the following e-mail:

From: H
Sent: Tuesday, October 03, 2006 8:45 AM
To: -R-
Subject: dawn


There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60
There is no dawn in 60


Instead of responding, I sent H a link for a present I want to get one of our nephews. The link was to a gun that shoots ninjas instead of bullets.* H said it would be a good present and also said that he wanted one for himself. I wrote him back later to let him know I had ordered two ninja guns.

H responded:

From: H
Sent: Tuesday, October 03, 2006 9:31 AM
To: -R-
Subject: RE:


You are going to get hit with sooooo many ninjas
I almost feel sorry for you
Almost

Love,
No-dawn


And with that, I think we are officially no longer newlyweds.

Tonight, we watched Act 2 of Studio 60 on NBC's website, and guess who we saw and who was even listed as a guest star? Lucy/Dawn!


*Our nephew went through a period where he really liked to karate chop everything he saw. H told our nephew, "That is your pimp hand." So then the nephew went around announcing to everyone (H's family, other preschool students, people at his church), "This is my pimp hand!" And when our nephew would karate chop something, he would say, "Pimp!" with each chop. H was so proud.

One of These Things Is Not Like the Other

Here is the game for today. I will list the items I was wearing today, and you guess which items I bought myself and which one item was a present. Ready?

clearance t-shirt from Ann Taylor, all nubby (was probably supposed to be dry cleaned- too bad)
blazer from The Gap
skirt from Target - about 3 to 5 years old
brown Aerosole high heels, scuffed toes - at least 6 years old
Monsac purse


If you guessed the purse, you win... nothing. Sorry. Haven't I just proven how cheap I am? Most of the time, I can't stand to spend money on myself. H does not have the same problem. He is quite happy to spend money on himself. I think we tend to even each other out.


So... I need to come up with some things to put on my Christmas list. There are a lot of little things I want, but H does not do little things. Not his style. Suggestions? What have you been eyeing lately?


PS Yes, I realize it is only October 2nd, but we get started early in the -R- and H household.

Dirrrty

It is about 2:30 pm.
I didn't wake up until almost 11 am.
I am still wearing my pajamas.
I have not brushed my teeth yet.
Or my hair.


Next up for me: make myself presentable, go to the library, and go to the coffee shop.

*****
H and I went out to dinner last night with a friend (my law school friend) and then went to a movie. When we hang out with our friend, I feel like most of the conversation is the friend and I chatting like crazy with H chiming in occasionally. My friend and I both have the same conversation style of talking really fast and interrupting each other all the time, which I enjoy. H is more of a sit-back-and-listen kind of guy, which I appreciate, but sometimes I need the Gilmore Girls style banter.

We went to see Little Miss Sunshine, which we all LOVED. I laughed so hard that I cried, my friend said his sides hurt from laughing so much, and H was still laughing when getting ready for bed. I actually think I could watch Little Miss Sunshine again, which is not something I can say about many other movies.

I Should Get a Prize Just for Mentioning This

I have been using this new site, Blingo, instead of Google for the last few weeks when I do internet searches, and I really like it. Blingo is exactly the same as Google, it actually uses Google to do searches, but you have the chance to win prizes every time you search. And if you sign up for Blingo by using the link below, if you win, I will win a prize too! Some of the prizes are Visa gift cards ($25, $50, and $100 values) and iPods.



Plus, I love the picture on this link. What do you think it is? My first thought was ice skater, but maybe it is a breakdancer? I picked it just because it was the oddest option, in my opinion. Plus, hello, jazz hands!

*****

We went to the Twins game last night with some of H's coworkers. I thought I was the Twins good luck charm, but apparently not because the Twins lost last night. If the Twins win the next few games and the Tigers lose, the Twins could win their division and play the A's in the playoffs. If the Tigers end up with a better record than the Twins, the Twins will have to play the Yankees in the first round of the playoffs.

The Twin Cities get really crazy around baseball playoff season. It is really fun. When I was up here interviewing a few years ago, the Twins had a playoff game, so people were handing out free donuts to downtown drivers during morning rush hour. I have no idea what donuts have to do with baseball, but I'll take a free donut any time.

Yeah, so that is really boring for all of you to read but oh well.

Come and Knock On My Door

(We'll be waiting for you)

1. On Saturday, two young men from the Church of LDS knocked on my door. I talked with them for a few minutes because although I do not want to join their church, they were very nice. I asked them lots of questions about where they have been on their mission so far (Twin Cities only), where they are going on the rest of their mission (all over MN and up to Canada), and where they are from (Georgia and Utah).

2. I think they were kind of scared that I was asking them so many questions. They seemed pretty happy to give me their card and get out of there. Oh well! I was happy to keep the conversation away from any attempt at conversion.

3. Some different Mormon missionaries came to our house in the winter when H was outside shoveling.

4. Well, first they went to the house across the street, and our neighbor lady yelled, "Get away from my house!" at them.

5. Then they came and talked to H and offered to help him finish shoveling our driveway. He declined their offer.

6. Mostly because we only had one shovel at the time.

7. I don't like our neighbor lady, mostly because the woman who used to live in our house told me that the neighbor lady was wonderful and they were good friends, and the woman who used to live in our house was crazy and super snobby.

8. So really, I don't know neighbor lady at all but have decided not to like her.

9. My mom is biased against Jehovah's Witnesses because she claims that when she was growing up, some JWs came to her house and tried to convert them, and as the JWs were driving out of the neighborhood, they hit my mom's dog and then didn't stop.

10. Probably not the best way to try to convert people.

11. One time in college, I came home from class, and my roommate and some guy I had never seen before were hanging out in our living room.

12. When I realized the guy was a door-to-door magazine salesman, I announced, "We're not buying any magazines, so it's time for you to leave." Then I opened the front door and stared at him until he got off the couch and left.

13. My roommate was annoyed that I was rude. I thought it was rude to invite a possible robber and/or murderer into our apartment, but she did not agree. She also wanted to go to an abandoned factory one Saturday night around midnight to see if we could meet some junkees, so she was probably not the best person with whom to reason.

Did You Miss Me?

Hello! I have been out of town on a business trip. The travel wasn't that hard, the work we did on the trip wasn't that difficult, but spending 18 hours a day with coworkers gets old quickly. Even though they were nice coworkers and the trip was relatively fun, I am not used to being on my best behavior for 48+ straight hours.

So where did we go? I think this picture really explains it all.

What? That doesn't help? According to the reception people at the hotel, that is a view of the Arch. I went out onto the balcony and leaned precariously in all different directions, but I am pretty sure that the Arch cannot be seen from my room. Yes, even in the daylight.

And yet, I was able to survive a room with an Arch-less view. Our hotel was pretty swanky.

Growing up, my parents actually had a phone like this in the master bathroom. I hope they never used it though.

Anyway, it was actually a swanky hotel.


So swanky that the directions to use the freaking alarm clock were a whole page long.

I was able to set the alarm clock the first day, but after that, I had to get a wake up call because it was really too complicated for me.

And I will leave you with a swanky picture of myself in the swanky hotel room in my swanky pajamas.

(Blurry is the new swanky.)

Ice Cream, the Circus, North Korea- You Know, the Usual

I was trying to come up with something quick to blog about, so I did a search for some questions to answer. My favorite list of questions is the following:

1. Have you ever had an addiction?
2. Are you afraid of the dark?
3. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
4. Have you ever been to the circus?
5. What do you think of North Korea testing nuclear weapons?

WTF? Who came up with these questions? Whose mind works like this? Addiction - scared of the dark - ice cream - circus- NUCLEAR WEAPONS. Awesome.

So do I have to answer the questions now? I will anyway.

1. I don't think I have ever had an addiction. In college, I smoked a few times and really started to like it, so I stopped before I could get addicted. It scared me that I started to crave cigarettes.

2. No, I am not afraid of the dark. Unless I have just watched a scary movie. And I have a very low tolerance for scary. If there is any suspense at all, I deem the whole movie scary.

3. My standard answer for favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip. I also love anything super chocolatey and rich.

4. I went to the circus when I was in maybe 1st grade. I remember being scared that the trapeze artists would fall. That's about it. Do you guys remember that show in the 80s when stars would compete in circus acts? That was a quality show.

5. I am not a fan of North Korea testing nuclear weapons.

Don't Be Scared Away by the Title

Thirteen Things About Being Sick

1. Yesterday, I took four packets of these. Two pills per packet = me loopy on drugs.

While loopy, I determined that this product should really be called Pseudo-Sudafed. Get it? Pseudo and Suda? I am a genius.

2. I also drank four mugs of this.

Please let it be noted that I don't like tea, nor do I Love Lemon. But when that is what is free at work, that is what I will try to make myself feel better. (It didn't work, but I did survive until I left early at 4.)

3. I came up with a brilliant marketing idea for the I Love Lemon tea.

I think it should say "I Love Lemon" with an exclamation point, and the bottom part of the exclamation point should be a heart. Don't you agree? Wouldn't you much rather buy the product with my label?

4. Seriously, you guys, I am a marketing genius.

5. Here is a product that my marketing genius cannot help.

You walk by some lady's desk and see peanut butter cups in the bowl, so you think, "Score! I love peanut butter cups! Look, they have white packaging for Halloween!" And then you open the wrapper and are horrified to see white chocolate on your peanut butter cup. "This is a travesty!" you think. But you eat it anyway. And it is not good.

6. Today I was still sick so I stayed home.

7. I happened to tune into the last 15 minutes of that celebrity poker showdown show, and guess who was on it and was totally beating everyone? Dule Hill. (I don't know how to make the accent above the e.)

8. Then guess what was on Bravo? A marathon of Season 2 of Project Runway. Yes! I had already seen it, but I watched it again anyway.

9. Oh, I almost forgot that I saw some of The View! I thought Rosie O'Donnell did a really good job. I know you were curious about my opinion on The View.

10. That pretty much summarizes my entire day.

11. I didn't get any sleep last night, but I am not tired today. It is kind of freaking me out that I am not tired because I always need at least 8 hours of sleep to feel normal. (So basically I never feel normal.)

12. Did you guys watch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip on Monday night? What did you think of it? I am annoyed that some people watched it just because Matthew Perry was in it. Yet I would watch anything that had Dule Hill, Allison Janney, or Zach Braff in it. So I am a huge hypocrite. And my husband's hatred for Friends has apparently worn off on me. So anyway, I thought Studio 60 was decent. I will definitely keep watching. I almost just went off on a big tangent comparing Studio 60 to West Wing, but then I decided to calm myself the heck down.

13. Did you notice that 12 wasn't about me being sick? Well, when you are home by yourself all day and then your husband only comes home to get his jiu jitsu outfit, there is not a lot to talk about.

I Blame This Post on the Meds

My post today was going to revolve completely around some uploaded pictures, but Blogger does not want me to have any pictures on my post today! Arrrrrr!

I didn't talk to anyone today because my throat hurts so much. I am sick. It sucks. I am high on Claritin right now. Plus 6 Sudafeds. And 100 cough drops. Woo hoo! Umm, yeah, by "high" I mean that my nose is a tiny, tiny, miniscule amount less runny.

So, what else is going on? My law school friend who just moved to Minnesota and I played an awesome game on Friday. The Incredible H assisted. The game is called, "List the 3 weirdest people in our law school class." It is a very fun game and led to much debate. There were some strong contestants. I think we all decided on a winner though. I don't want to tell you his name, so let us call the winner "Jack." The first time I remember seeing Jack was at a final that all first-year students had to take. Jack had twisted one end of a paper clip around his glasses and one end around his pencil. So his pencil was sticking up from his glasses like an antenna. Let me repeat, this was in LAW SCHOOL. Not first grade.

My friend and I had to compete against Jack in an intraschool mock trial competition. The judge of our mock trial was a very conservative, Mormon professor. I think I made the opening statement for our side, and it went well. Then Jack stood up. He started off with an extremely graphic joke about a little kid walking in on his sister and some strange guy "doing it" in a barn. My friend passed me a note that said, "We just won."

I am not sure that these two examples fully illustrate the freakiness of this kid. You should realize just how weird he is when I tell you that second place in our game was the girl who worked at a haunted house during our first year of law school and showed up for class one day with her Halloween makeup still on - her face painted white with fake blood dripping out of the side of her mouth. When asked why she had not washed her face, she just shrugged.

Saturday Night's All Right (For Fighting)

Saturday morning, H and I participated in our walk to raise awareness of ovarian cancer and to raise money for research. It was amazing to see so many people there, and all the t-shirts and signs with the pictures and names of lost loved ones were really touching. There were also so many survivors there and women currently battling ovarian cancer. I may or may not have cried a little bit. And I may or may not have seen a woman light up her cigarette while standing next to a woman who was obviously currently undergoing chemo, who gave the smoker a dirty look before moving a good distance away from her.* The survival rate five years after diagnosis for women with ovarian cancer is only 53 percent. One of the key problems is that ovarian cancer often goes diagnosed until it is already in the late stages. Symptoms of ovarian cancer and more information can be found here.

*It's ok if you smoke, but in front of everyone else at an anti-cancer walk is probably not the best place for it.

Saturday afternoon, H and I attended a wedding. To be honest, I was hoping that the bride would have a super bridezilla freakout in front of everyone. The bride has been kind of rude when I have met her before and was rude at my wedding to H.

H and I actually had a nice time. We sat at a table with an aunt and uncle of H's that neither of us knew very well, and they are really fun people. One of their daughters is ranked in the top five in the United States in a certain sport and is hoping to go to the Olympics in 2012. The aunt and uncle also have a lake house that they offered us free use of whenever they aren't there. So despite no public bridezilla freakouts, the wedding was a definite success!

The one embarassing moment: I figured that since the whole point of the wedding was for the bride to show off how much better and richer she is than everyone else (her words, not mine) that there would be an open bar. So H and I went to the bar, and I ordered a glass of pinot grigio. The bartended uncorked a bottle and as he was about to start pouring said, "That will be six dollars." H and I had exactly one dollar in cash. So in slow motion, I said, "Noooooooooooooooo" as the first drop of wine was about to pour into the glass. Just in time, the bartender turned the bottle upright, and I ordered a water instead.

How Did I End Up Like This?

Thursday Thirteen Things! Again! Are you tired of these yet? It is kind of nice to have something I have to write about in the middle of the week, but I am afraid that my Thursday Thirteen Things are getting kind of lame. (Because my posts about gas stations are so much cooler?)

So for this week, I present

Thirteen Ways My Life Is Different Than the Five-Year-Old Me Imagined It Would Be

1. I thought I would be blonde.

2. I thought I would drive a convertible.

3. I thought I would look like Barbie.

4. I thought I would be a teacher, not a lawyer.

5. I thought I would have miraculously become graceful.

6. I thought I would be married to Scott, who lived across the street from me.

7. I never thought I would live somewhere with such freaking cold winters. (The cold winters would prevent me from getting the perfect Barbie tan and driving my convertible around with the top down, obviously.)

8. I never thought I would actually have to clean up after myself. Well, I don't really clean up after myself, but I should.

9. Despite the fact that I was always one of the tiniest kids in my class, I thought I would grow up to be tall.

10. I never thought I would ask for things like patio furniture for my birthday.

11. I thought I would have published several books.

12. I never thought that I would enjoy shopping. Ew.

13. I thought I would be a famous singer. Unfortunately, all the training I did, which consisted of singing and dancing to my mom's Beatles and Beach Boys records, did not pan out into a fabulous career... yet.

Prepare To Be Impressed

I was minding my own business, pumping some gas, when a Monte Carlo sped into the parking lot. How can I be sure it was a Monte Carlo, you ask? Well, my first clue was the phrase "MONTE CARLO" written in pink letters on the top section of the front windshield. The driver of the Monte Carlo misjudged the location of the giant gas pumps, and drove right into the U-shaped protector bar in front of the gas pumps.


This is the protector bar I am talking about.

There was the distinct screeching of metal (Monte Carlo) on metal (protector bar). It was not pleasant, but it was LOUD. I was really embarassed for the driver, so I looked to make sure she was ok, and then went back to staring at my gas pump. The driver backed up her car (screeeeeeeech) and then successfully parked in front of the gas pump. She ran into the convenience store, bought something, and came back out, leaving me to wonder why she had just ruined her car by trying to park in front of a gas pump when she didn't even need gas.

I thought, "Now she will at least drive slowly to leave." Ha! Good one, -R-. This driver got in her car, slammed on the gas, and peeled out of the parking lot. Awesome. I got a good look at her car as she left.


Most expensive pack of cigarettes ever.


PS Try not to be too jealous of my mad artistic skillz.

That Is All

Everything I have tried to write tonight has just come out as, "Oh, poor me," which is sooo pathetic, especially on September 11th. Yeah, I'm tired, and stupid office politics are stressing me out to no end, and my husband is sick, and the husband of someone I used to work with died today, but I am fine and I have a good job and a good husband and a nice home and I'm safe.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

So I was on a healthy-eating plan for a while, as you may remember. If eating all the cake that is offered to me at work and not working out at all are part of the healthy-eating plan, then I am definitely still on it. Oops. I have been eating better for the most part, so that is good. I will start being serious about the HEP soon. Maybe.

H, on the other hand, is doing fantastic with his HEP. He has lost so much weight that this afternoon, he was walking from the kitchen to the living room, and he literally walked right out of his pants. I think the neighbors playing basketball across the street really enjoyed it.

We had our BBQ last night, and I think it was moderately successful. Only two of H's friends came, but one left early (as in about 5 minutes after it started). We still managed to have a good turnout though. Unfortunately, Minnesota apparently decided to skip straight to October and it was really chilly outside. Yes, I am discussing the weather because that is how interesting I am. Don't you wish you had been at my BBQ? I made sangria, H made margaritas, and we had lots of beer, so it couldn't have been that bad. Also, one-third of our guests were Nebraskan, so you know we had a good party.

I Should Be On The Show "Big Love"

Wow! I am so glad we don't have to pretend that last post never happened. Also, I have great recipes AND a date lined up with Jim (and possibly Pam), so I am all set.

And, more importantly, my sincerest thanks to everyone who contributed to my run/walk or the American Cancer Society. I don't know why I keep calling it that because H and I will be doing the walk only. No running involved. But it makes me feel better to call it a run/walk. Anyway, I didn't expect anyone to actually donate, but I am so glad you did. It is really a worthy cause, and I will walk my very best for you!

Finally, not importantly at all, the following list includes some of the things I have said this week that I want to marry:

1. my bridal bouquet
2. Jim from The Office
3. The West Wing (the show, not the actual part of the White House)
4. Pierre Bernard's Recliner of Rage

And For My Next Trick...

Today for my Thursday Thirteen Things*, I am going to attempt a new trick. This shall be an interactive entry! I am going to ask thirteen questions. It is your job to pick THREE questions and ANSWER them in the comments. I realize this may not go well, but darn it, I am going to try! If it does not go well, we will just pretend this didn't happen. OK? OK.

* At about 5 today, I thought, "Oh no! It is Wednesday! I thought it was Tuesday! I forgot to post my Wednesday Thirteen!" What is wrong with me? Don't answer that. It is not one of the the thirteen questions. The thirteen questions are below.

1. What is the best present you have ever given someone?

2. What is the best present you have ever received?

3. If you could meet one blogger, who would it be?

4. If you could have one dessert right now, what would it be?

5. What should I serve as a side dish at my BBQ on Saturday?

6. Have you ever e-mailed a blogger you didn't know in real life?

7. Who do you want to win Project Runway?

8. What is your favorite book?

9. What is your favorite movie?

10. Are you in love with Jim from The Office? (Correct answer for both males and females: Yes.)

11. What is the worst present you have ever received?

12. If you could go on an all-expenses-paid, one-week vacation, where would you go?

13. a)Did you know that in Minnesota, some people play "Duck duck grey duck" instead of "Duck duck goose"?
b) Seriously, isn't that really weird? (Correct answer: Yes.)

The Easter Times

When I grow up, I want to be like my Aunt Wanda.

She and my uncle were childhood sweethearts who always treated each other with such tenderness and spoke of each other with a great amount of love.

She got a two-year teaching degree and started teaching first grade. Later, she went back to school, while teach full-time and raising two kids, and got a four-year degree. A few years later, she got her Masters in Education.

She raised two sons, who are two of the nicest men you could probably ever meet.

She was my dad's sister, but she and my mom became close friends. Every time we saw my aunt, she and my mom would trade grocery bags full of paperback books.

She never forgot a birthday of any of her nieces or nephews and always sent a card or gift on time.

She attended my high school and law school graduation and my sister's high school graduation.

She taught first grade for thirty years at the same elementary school and was friends with everyone from the custodian to the principal.

She sang in the church choir, cooked and organized receptions for all the funerals, organized the volunteers who did maintenance and landscaping, and ran the whole Sunday school program.

When she came to my law school graduation, she brought a newspaper I had made at a family Easter celebration that she had laminated and saved for 14 years.



When my parents got divorced, she stayed close to both my parents and even drove three hours to help my mom move.

H and I had to attend marriage preparation classes before we got married, and we had to pick one couple whose marriage we wanted to emulate. H and I both picked my aunt and uncle.

My aunt went in for outpatient surgery about five years ago, and the doctors unexpectedly found ovarian cancer.

She went through two rounds of chemo and wore a wig that looked exactly like the hairdo she had been sporting since I was born.

She took a couple of trips to the Mayo Clinic.

During her battle with cancer, she continued to substitute teach (she was retired so just subbed a few days a week "for fun," as she said) and do a ton of volunteer work.

After fighting for three years, she passed away almost exactly two years ago.

At her funeral, the church was so full that they put closed-circuit televisions in the basement to accomodate everyone.

On September 16, I will be participating in a walk/run to honor my aunt, to support other women and families dealing with ovarian cancer, to raise awareness of ovarian cancer, and to raise money for research to help fight ovarian cancer. If you would like to help support me, you can click here to donate. Or if you would like to give money to support general cancer research, H and I are big supporters of the American Cancer Society.

Please don't feel any pressure to donate anything. I really just wanted to write this to hopefully raise some awareness for ovarian cancer and to remember my aunt.

September 3, 2006

We decided for our anniversary we would spend the weekend at a B&B in Red Wing. But the owner fell, broke her back, and ended up in a full body cast! So we are going to stay there another weekend instead, and the owner offered us one night free, which was a tremendously generous offer, considering that she is the one in the full body cast.

H surprised me by getting us a room in a local hotel instead. I am really glad we stayed at a hotel because then our focus was on spending time together instead of doing lawn work or cleaning or other regular household tasks.

We started our anniversary by going to Mass together. The church we went to was very sweet. And the church band was awesome and had a rock flute. H called it a jazz flute, but I think it was most definitely a rock flute.

Then we went to brunch at the place where we had our wedding reception last year. The food was really good, but the weather was not much better than it was last year. At least this year there were no tornado warnings.

Because it was cold and rainy, we headed over to the nearby casino after brunch.

Apparently, some people have had luck there. Us? Not so much.

We had a fantastic dinner for our anniversary at a new-ish, semi-swanky restaurant that we have been wanting to try out. The food was amazing, and our waiter even brought us free dessert since it was our anniversary.

It was really a great first anniversary, celebrating a wonderful first year of marriage.

September 3, 2005

It was just a little rainy...





but we still managed to enjoy the day.

-R- Drew And The Case of the Mysterious Movie

I got a call at work today from The Incredible H. "Do you know Steve or Christy LastName from Certain Town, Florida?"

I do not know Steve or Christy. I asked why he was asking me about them.

"I just got a package at work and their names are on the return address. The only thing in the package is a video tape called True Believer. No note or anything."

We named off all the people in Florida that we could think of, but none were named Steve or Christy, and none were from Certain Town.

"Are there people who read your blog from Certain Town?" H asked.

"Not that I know of, but even if there were, how would they get your work address, and why would they send you a copy of True Believer? Is it one of those movies that tries to convert you?"

H said that he looked up the movie, and it was a war movie. AND the video was not shrink-wrapped and was only rewound halfway.

I thought maybe there was something on the tape. Maybe someone had taped over part of the movie with a threat for H. Or maybe someone had taped H doing something illegal (driving through a yellow light?) and was going to try to bribe him. Or maybe it was somehow related to one of his cases. I was certain that the movie contained some kind of awful message, so I told H to make an intern watch the whole movie and report back to him.

I was freaking out all afternoon. Maybe a deranged former client sent H the movie as some kind of warning. Maybe it was from a spurned ex-girlfriend and contained a tape of her threatening to reveal something bad he had done in college (like what, I don't know) if he didn't pay her off. Maybe it was from a victim of one of his clients who was going to try to exact revenge on H because H had gotten his client probation instead of jail time. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE, AND WHY DID THEY SEND H A VIDEOTAPE?

Finally, at 5:30, H called me. The intern who had ordered H a new Incredible Hulk action figure had signed up for an eBay account with H's name and office address as the mailing contact and address so that the Hulk had been sent directly to H. But then the intern had ordered this video and forgot that it would be sent to H. Mystery solved!

Thirteen Things That Make Me Type "OMG"

1. I overheard a guy at work making a joke about the Magna Carta. A joke about the Magna Carta. OMG, I work with f'ing nerds.

2. At a work-related party, I went through the buffet for H because his back hurt, and I got him a lot of honeydew. I noticed later that he wasn't eating and asked him what was wrong with the honeydew. He said, "OMG, I hate honeydew. Do you know me at all?" Apparently not.

3. At another work-related party, some bees came near us, and H announced that he was allergic to bee stings. He was stung once when he was pretty young, and disgusting and painful things happened that I will not go into here. The doctor told him that the next time he is stung, he could have a fatal reaction. OMG, don't you think that is something you should tell your wife before you are in a situation in which you are surrounded by bees? We survived unscathed though.

4. I wrote an e-mail to my boss last week that said, "OMG! Don't even tell me that!" I am so professional.

5. OMG, I have been alternating between leaving totally lame and boring comments and weird-ass, only-funny-in-my-mind comments on other people's blogs. Sorry.

6. Jenny and 3carnations (on Miss Zoot's blog) both wrote tremendously nice things about my blog. OMG, it made my whole week. I don't want to get too lame here, so I will just say thanks. (Even though Jenny wants me to go to hell- the nice one with kitties).

7. I am feeling kind of negative about my blog lately, which is stupid. I just see so many people who write better than I do, and I think I suck. But OMG, quit being so hard on yourself, self! Look at #6!

8. I trimmed too much of my toenail last night, and OMG, it really hurts.

9. OMG, I can't believe you are still reading this after I just wrote about my toenail. And I wonder why I don't have more readers.

10. We are inviting people over to our house a week from Saturday for a BBQ and other festivities, and I am kind of freaking out about it. What if it is really boring? I don't know how to entertain people. OMG, what if no one comes? Or worse, what if only one person comes and is a witness to that fact that no one else showed up?

11. I left for work today at around (OMG) 7 am! You should be really impressed!

12. I got home at (OMG) 8:41 pm. You should be really sad.

13. OMG, I love telling you how to feel.

To The Misunderstood Go The Spoils

My boss came into my office when I was writing an e-mail to a friend on my gmail account. I was writing something about how families are weird sometimes.

My boss and I started chatting about what we had done over the weekend, and he asked, kind of out of the blue, how everything was going with my family. It wasn't prying, and it didn't make me uncomfortable. I was just surprised that he was asking about it. (The answer, by the way, is that everything is fine.)

After my boss left my office, I looked at my screen, and the google ads on gmail read, "HOW TO FIND YOUR MISSING FATHER" and "FAMILY COUNSELING." This plus the fact that I was apparently so upset on Friday I couldn't even coordinate an outfit- he must think I am having some major issues. Guess who is going to be told she needs to relax and not to do any work over the weekend. YES!

***

H thinks I should change my blog name to "Aaand You Know What Else" so that I will be listed first on all alphabetical blog rolls. He cracks me up. For the record, I came up with the name of my blog while singing a Weezer song ("My Name is Jonas" from their first self-titled album).

Why Mirrors Were Invented

Remember how I was going to bring my car in at 7 am a while ago? Yeah, that did not happen. I am incapable of being up and ready to go at 6:40 in order to have my car at the car place by 7 am.

So I rescheduled for last Friday morning at 7 am. Because just because I am incapable of having my car at the car place by 7 am does not mean that I won't keep trying.

On Friday morning, I set my alarm for 5:45 am. I actually got out of bed at 6:30 am. I took a shower, put on clothes, put on shoes, and left. I got to the car place at 7:20. Oops. At least I was kind of close to on time. My hair dried as I was waiting for my car, but I couldn't tell what it was looking like because the car place did not have a mirror in the waiting room. I also painted my toe nails while I was waiting, which is really not something fit for public consumption, but it had to be done, as I was wearing open-toed shoes. I did go into this kind of weird cubicle set up in the waiting room so that no one actually witnessed the toenail painting.

When my car was ready, I drove to the bus station and took the bus to work. I decided to walk to my office through the skyway, and a partner on the bonus committee (that's not really what it's called, but that committee decides the bonuses, so there you go) ended up walking with me, so we talked about the kind of random things you talk about with really senior people with whom you have nothing in common. I got to my office, sat down, and realized that my clothes did not match. My outfit did not coordinate AT ALL. My shirt did not go with my pants, and my shoes did not go with any of it. So that was awesome. The good news is that my hair turned out ok. But that means I will probably be tempted to try the whole air dry on the way to work method of getting ready again, and there is no guarantee of another successful air dry, so we may be headed towards future hair disasters.

Anyway, I was sitting in my office, trying to figure out how I could go heat up my lunch without anyone noticing my outfit, when my friend came into my office and asked if I was ready for the lunch meeting. I forgot that I had a meeting with a ton of coworkers and another member of the bonus committee. Why is it that I normally see zero people on this committee on a regular day, but when I look like a color blind freakazoid, I have to see TWO? And then I ran into a third committee member just walking down the hallway later that afternoon. There are only 10 people on this committee, and now three of them know I am a weirdo.

The moral of the story is: do not try to get car maintenance done before 8 am.

You Are Looking Quite Slender Yourself

Guess what website is #1 when you search for "Speaker 1: 'You look so skinny!'"? I will give you a hint. It's this website! I will take this as a compliment from the universe.

Hello, moto

Tonight I am pulling a Lawyerish move and posting an oldie but a goodie.

***
When I worked at the courthouse, to get to my office, I had to walk by the ground floor receptionist, use my key card to get into the staircase, go up several flights, and use the key card to exit the staircase onto my floor. Every morning, the receptionist would say, "Hello, there!" or alternatively, "Hi, there!" and I would respond nicely and appropriately. After having these exchanges for about three months, she switched it up, saying, "Good morning, there!" FOr some reason this struck me as odd. Hello, there? Fine. Hi, there? Normal. Good morning, there? Whaaaa? I thought about it for two seconds and realized that she had said, "Good morning, Deb." Which means that EVERY morning she had been saying, "Hello, Deb." And my name is not Deb.

What do I do now? I had already entered the stairwell, so I could not walk all the way back and respond 30 seconds later, "My name is not Deb," after accidentally pretending that my name was Deb for three months. I decided that the chances of her figuring out on her own that my name was not Deb were slim and decided to just go with it. For another few months, my name was Deb every morning, and I liked it. That is, until I forgot my key card.

I could check one out from the ground floor receptionist, but I would have to sign it out, and she would see that my name was not Deb. Nor is it even close to Deb. I tried to take the public staircase and get in through the third floor reception area, but the third floor reception area was dark and locked. (In a little twist of irony, kind of, the third floor receptionist was actually named Deb.) I trudged back downstairs, and lo and behold, the woman sitting at the reception desk was not the usual receptionist. Instead, there was a substitute receptionist I had never seen before! I checked out a key card and went about my business.

When I left that night, I tried to return my borrowed key card, but the substitute had already left. I had to turn it in the next morning, and of course, the usual receptionist was back. I handed her the key card. She said, "Thanks, Deb." I asked her if I needed to sign anything, and she said no. I was home free! Until about 15 minutes later when she called my office, saying, "I thought your name was Deb!" She must have had to mark on the sign out sheet that I returned the key card. "Ummm... nope, it's not."

And almost every morning, for the next 153 mornings or so, I heard, "Good morning, -R-."

Thursday Lame-Ass Thirteen

1. I wore the cutest new skirt today, and no one at work complimented it.
2. I typically wear about 5 different outfits to work, so you would think my coworkers would be excited that I am actually wearing something new.
3. Maybe they are just not very observant.
4. But they all noticed when I got my hair cut!
5. I was going to try to stretch this into 13 things, but I really do not think that is going to happen.
6. Maybe I can do it?
7. No.
8. H's new plan is for us to both sign up for E-Harmony and then see if we get matched together.
9. It is my opinion that no good can come from this plan.
10. Don't worry. I think he is kidding about the plan.
11. Speaking of plans, remember how I was going to try to eat better?
12. Today I ate a brownie that was approximately the size of my head.
13. The skirt:

Pretend that there are no clothes on the floor and that the way I am standing does not make my foot look deformed. In fact, only look at the skirt. Do not look at anything else in the picture. Especially the shirt that I got on clearance four years ago at Petite Sophisticate. Look only at the skirt! Isn't it cute?

PS Crazy Baskethead Vincent won?! And he kind of deserved it?! Uli's outfit was better, but still. It was Project Runway miracle.

Dr. Feelgood

H and I have a game where we will sing four-syllable phrases to the tune of a certain Falco song called "Rock Me, Amadeus." So, for example, one of us might sing, "Michael Vartan Michael Vartan. Michael Vartan. Michael Vartan Michael Vartan. Michael Vartan. Michael Vartan Michael Vartan. Oh oh Michael Vartan. Rock me, Michael Vartan."

And then the other one might say, "Will you please shut up with the Michael Vartan???" It is a really fun game. You should definitely try it.

***

I just asked H what I should write about tonight, and he said, "Write about my love for The Hulk." So I will. H loves the Incredible Hulk. He likes the comic book, and I think he likes the tv show with Lou Ferrigno. We also own the movie, (to which I had to spend several minutes trying to find a link for because it is called Hulk instead of The Incredible Hulk-- darn you, Ang Lee) so I am guessing he likes that too.

H has an Incredible Hulk action figure (do not call it a doll; it is an action figure) in his office. Some of his coworkers tease him about it, but that is ok because he teases them too and because he is about a foot taller than most of his coworkers. So when H was on vacation, one of his coworkers was messing around with the action figure in front of everyone else and snapped its arm off. (Actually, the coworker was an intern - what is up these summer interns!) The coworker felt so bad that he went on e-bay to buy H a new Hulk. But the only one he could find like H's was in the UK and cost $40 + shipping. So he ordered it! H felt kind of bad that this guy had spent all this money on a new Hulk when he really could have just super-glued the arm back on, so we invited him over to play Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero makes everyone feel better!

Why I Am Better Than You

I was standing around with some coworkers at an after-work function, discussing my love for Project Runway, when this intern piped in, "I don't even own a television."

"Really?" I asked, because I didn't know what else to say.

"Television is so pedestrian. Watching television is such a waste of time, and it rots your brain. I can't believe people watch so much television these days. It just really is not worth it. I haven't owned a television in years."

"Hmmm. That's nice," I say to the intern as I share a look with the partner and freaking HIRING PARTNER with whom I had been discussing Project Runway. "Anyway, I really hope Michael wins."

We continue to discuss Detroit Neck Tattoo and Madame Granny Circles (some of my Project Runway peeps) as the intern stands by awkwardly. And I do not feel bad at all.

"I am so sad Alias is off the air now," says the partner.

The intern grins, "I love Alias! Blah blah blah Sidney Bristow blah blah blah Michael Vartan blah." [Editor's note: Ok, that is not an exact quote, but that is all I know about Alias. Mmmmmm... Michael Vartan.]

"How do you know about Alias?" I ask. "I thought you didn't own a television."

It turns out that the intern doesn't own a television: she rents DVDs of tv shows and then watches them on her laptop. So you are a loser and an idiot if you watch television shows on a television, but if you watch last season's episodes on a laptop, you are a freaking genius and we can all only dream about one day becoming half as wonderful as you are. Yes, I only wish that I could insult a hiring partner to her face when I am a lowly intern.

F-R-I-E-N-D-S

Today is the first anniversary of the Friends of the Friendless Marching Band. Carol came up with the name of the FFMB from an episode of "I Love Lucy" in which Lucy is feeling horribly lonely, and the Friends of the Friendless Marching Band marches by, cheering her up. Carol modified the FFMB for the internet by listing three new blogs on her site each Friday that always had less than 5 comments. The members of the FFMB then go to each listed blog and leave a comment.

I was chosen by Carol probably 7 months ago as a FFMB blog. My only visitor before the FFMB came by was my husband. I was embarassed to tell anyone about my blog, and I can't remember ever commenting on anyone else's blog before then. The FFMB made me realize that I could get readers other than H, and I could put time into my blog to make it something worth reading. The FFMB made me realize that leaving comments on other people's blogs could brighten their days a little bit, and even if the blogger didn't care about my comment, it never hurt to leave one.

I don't know how Carol or another band person found my blog or why Carol chose to list it on her site, but I truly appreciate the effort she makes to encourage "friendless" bloggers.

And The Gloves Come Off

Thirteen Things I Hate:

1. Snakes on a Plane. I am sorry, people, but there should be no snakes on my tv screen or on my computer screen EVER. There should be no pictures of snakes in my magazines EVER. There should be ... you get the point.

2. When people flirt with the boss to get special favors.

3. Crazy Baskethead Vincent staying on Project Runway while Alison gets kicked off.

4. Having the bus driver shut the doors and drive off when I am less than 30 feet from the bus. Especially when it is the last bus to Minneapolis from my stop.

5. Getting home from work when it is dark outside.

6. Working out.

7. H's student loans. I hate you, student loans, and I am not afraid to admit it.

8. When someone says something mean and then says, "Can't you take a joke?" or the equivalent. So passive-agressive.

9. Having to take my car in at 7 am tomorrow. I normally wake up at 7. This is going to be bad.

10. Checking my e-mail and having no new messages.

11. This is a controversial one: red wine.

12. More controversy: I hate both Coke AND Pepsi.

13. I will give you a moment to calm down after all that controversy. And now, the final thing I hate is... Jell-o with fruit in it. Or Jell-o with mayonnaise on it. Have you ever heard of that? I had not. And then I took a bit of Jell-o with whipped cream on it at my grandma's house when I was about 12, and I said, "Mom, I think this whipped cream is spoiled," which would not really be that surprising at my grandma's house, and my mom said, "No, that is just mayonnaise." Barf.

Hypothetically...

Have you ever had a blog that you did not especially want people at work to read? And then have a coworker mention a story you wrote on such blog? And then perhaps the contents of your stomach started churning as you silently panicked? But then you realized that you must have just told this coworker the same story you wrote about on your blog, you big panicky freak? Not that this would ever happen to me. Of course not. I am just wondering.

Or have you ever gotten home from work and your husband wanted to show you a picture he got by e-mail? And it was a picture of this hot woman and her dog? And the hot woman is someone he met while he was at a work conference so you have never met her? Did you then get jealous and later, when you noticed that your husband did not close the e-mail program, maybe you read all the e-mail (really only a few messages) that he has exchanged with this hot woman? And were you then pissed because, wait a minute, when did you become a jealous wife who reads her husband's e-mail? So you then confessed this to your husband who laughed because you are being silly? No? Umm... me neither.

Hypothetically, the hot woman probably gave a speech about the dog at the work conference, which is why she would be sending this picture to your husband, and you might know this is not just a weird story your husband concocted to explain the picture because the speech is referenced in the e-mail sent with the picture.

Finally, have you ever wanted to go to Duluth for your anniversary but weren't able to go there? Where would you go now that Duluth is out (and you want to stay within a few hours of the Twin Cities)?

My Aunt Went to California and All She Got Me Was This T-Shirt

My friend just got her wedding pictures back, which is really exciting. Except that I was sitting behind the bride and groom on the mandap (stage/altar) during the ceremony, and I look so bored in all of the pictures. My facial expression says, "Oh my Vishnu, is this thing almost over?!" I was actually thinking, "Please, please let the bride's aunts stop yelling at me because I cannot understand them. I hope I do not screw up this ceremony any more than I already did when I completely tripped on my way down the aisle and almost started the building on fire because I was holding a lit candle. Am I supposed to be doing something right now?" So hopefully I can be photoshopped out of any of the pictures I am in because the bride and groom look gorgeous in all of them.

When visiting the same friend for her Bachelorette Weekend of Debauchery, H and I bought a Stanford t-shirt for our niece. Affter we first visited Stanford a few years ago, H told his niece (who was in 3rd grade at the time- she starts 6th grade in a few weeks) that she should go to college at Stanford. She has remembered this and brings it up sometimes when we see her. So we got her a t-shirt, and she seemed really excited to get it. We saw H's mom last week and asked her if the niece has been wearing the shirt. H's mom said that the niece hasn't worn it yet because she said she is saving it for the first day of school. And the Best Aunt and Uncle Award goes to... H and me!

The Story of How I Met H

After my second week of law school, there was a big shindig at a local bar for all the law students. One of the students in attendance was a second-year who was a relatively small guy, but a big jerk. He said something obnoxious to H, another second-year student. H threw his beer on the jerk and got thrown out of the bar. I was not impressed with either guy.

H talked his way back into the bar, but I was leaving. H claims that a guy we both knew introduced us and that he remembers meeting me, but I have no recollection of meeting him that night. Yet, when people ask how we met, the story of getting into a fight is the story that H always wants to tell.

Thereal story of how we met is that the following week, a girl I knew got a group of people together to go out. One of the guys she invited brought H. He was quiet and shy all evening. He didn't speak much, but when he did, it was both sweet and funny.

All of us went back to this girl's house for a little bit. Most of us sat down; only H and the guy that my friend had a crush on were left standing. I suggested that H sit by me because then the other guy would have to sit in the only remaining seat, next to the girl who had a crush on him. But H took my suggestion to mean that I liked him. We chatted. H continued to be sweet, shy, and extremely nice. He asked me out a few days later, and I accepted.

On our first date, H took me to a Chinese restaurant and sang a song from Late Night with Conan O'Brien about a guy who was protected from 3-inch bees. How could I resist!

About Me

I am a 27-year-old woman.

I got married in 2005, when I was 26.

During one six-week period, I got married, bought a house, moved (into the new house), and started a new job. A few weeks later, my husband started a new job.

On this blog, I refer to my husband as "H."

I am an attorney. So is H, but we practice in very different areas of the law.

I work long hours, but not crazy NYC law firm kind of hours.

I live in Minnesota.

I was born in Tennessee. I have also lived in Kansas, Nebraska (twice - I moved away and came back), New Jersey, and Texas (twice).

I love Project Runway and Grey's Anatomy The Office.

I typically read two books a week.

I have a crush on Dule Hill.

I am semi-anonymous on this blog only because I would prefer that people from work and my clients not read all of my stories.

I love when people comment on this site or e-mail me.

Benign Riot

I have a friend at work. Yes, I know; it is shocking. My friend and I tell each other stupid stories and make fun of our coworkers. I know my friend repeats some of my stories to his wife because the first time H and I met her, she made a reference to the benign riot story I had told my friend.

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Benign Riot Interlude

About two years ago, I had to watch multiple hours of surveillance video of a jail riot. For your future reference, jails do not cheap out on their surveillance cameras. This was some excellent, full-color coverage. However, the footage was not so exciting.

Guards: Please go into your cells. We need to count everyone right now.
Prisoners: Nooooooooooo! We want popcorn!
Guards: Please go to your cells?
Prisoners: [Standing around by the guards' counter] Popcorn! Popcorn!
Guards: Cells?

The prisoners started stacking chairs and making their t-shirts into turbans and bandana-type headgear. (Very prison chic.) Then the guards walked out of the jail. Just. Walked. Out.

For the next eight hours, the prisoners ate popcorn, tried to use the phone, and tried to use the guards' computer to get on the internet. Finally the SWAT announced they were going to enter. The prisoners all went and stood in their cells. Swat threw in some smoke bombs and busted into the jail in full riot gear. The prisoners just watched from their cells.

End of Interlude
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My friend at work told me a story this morning, and H called a few minutes later. I told H the general outline of my friend's story.

Later, H forwarded me an e-mail he had received that was kind of related to my friend's story, and it was funny. So I forwarded it to my friend. He didn't respond. I started worrying that I had offended him. A few hours later, he came by my office, and he had not been offended. He had been doing this thing I should try sometime called actually doing work. I am so lame.

And now I am hungry for popcorn.

Thirteen Things

I do not have a clever theme today. Today you will be reading thirteen things about me that are probably not connected in any way.

1. I worry about what other people think of me.
2. But usually this worry only comes after I do or say something stupid. Why not before? Aargh.
3. I like living in the suburbs.
4. I am close enough to the city that there are lots of things to do, but I get to have a yard and live close to two (TWO) SuperTargets.
5. Sometimes I get a little Minnesota accent when I say words with an "a" like class, or words with an "o" like Minnesoooota.
6. My sister laughs at my accent and makes fun of me.
7. She is just jealous because she lives in the middle of nowhere Kansas. (I realize that is redundant.)
8. I am Catholic.
9. I hate when people make assumptions about me based on the fact that I am Catholic or that I go to church.
10. I hate to vacuum, but I don't mind cleaning the bathroom.
11. If a person's porn name is their first pet's name plus the name of the street they grew up on, my name would be Mandy Kociemba. Or Mandy 118th Plaza. I will go with Mandy Kociemba.
12. I had lived in five states before I turned 12. I have moved three times since then, but have only lived in six different states.
13. I was cute as a blonde:

Garrison Keillor's Other Show

I actually have about 10 ideas for posts (normally, I just get online and type whatever the heck I am thinking about, but I actually have a list of post ideas right now - whoa), but instead I am going to continue the tour of Chez -R-.

We begin today with a close-up of the best bedspread ever.

This bedspread was purchased at TJ Maxx/Homegoods for $40. I saw similar bedspreads at Bed, Bath, and Beyond for $100. And the one I got is of excellent quality. Bargain shopping rules! Speaking of good bargains, I recently saved $68 on my Sprint bill, so e-mail me if you need some money-saving tips! I am stingy!


Our tour today will show you the rest of the upstairs of Chez -R-, although we will not be looking at closets or bathrooms today. I am boring enough as it is. Please follow me into the hallway, where we can view the awesome laundry chute in all its chute-tastic glory. Also, the cross-stitchy thing above was made by H's great-aunt.



Here is the guest bedroom.



What is that next to the bed, you ask? Why, it is just a typical wedding present!

You did not receive wooden briefcases with your initals carved into them for your wedding? How unfortunate for you! They make excellent nightstands!*

*Note to H, I am not dissing your uncle's handiwork. He did a really good job making these briefcases, and they are very nice. But you have to admit they are kind of weird presents. I really appreciate the thought and effort, but they are unusual. That is all I'm saying!

Continuing on... I call this the travel shelf.

We have here a picture of camels that my sister bought us in Mongolia, some bowls from Mongolia, a picture I took of the Spoonbridge and Cherry, and some other travel-related pictures and objects.


Finally, we have the office. Can you tell I did not clean before taking this picture?



Can you guess who decorated this room? [Hint: I am not really into comics.]



Here is where I blog and do annoying work stuff.



Finally, here is a movie ticket I unearthed while looking for something else.

Garrison is apparently a dirty, dirty man.

Welcome to My Bedroom

On the show Cribs, there is always the "famous" guy who thinks he is super hot and suave but who really only gets chicks because he has money. When giving the tour of his room, he always says, "This is where the magic happens." And then I want to punch him in the face. Therefore, I will just say, here is our bed.

I have not seen Cribs for several years. Is it even on any more? Add this to the list of reasons why I am old. I don't even know what the kids are watching these days.


From the corner of my room behind the bureau. Please note that we did not paint or texturize (yes, that's a word) the walls, and the texture is much much much more subtle in person. You will just have to visit to see (unless you are a stalker or one of those annoying guys from Cribs).



Here's the bureau. Don't you like the empty frames, furniture receipt, and hammer with which we have decorated? The frames on the left were wedding gifts which will eventually hold wedding pictures if we ever order any. Maybe for our first anniversary (next month).



Finally, on H's giant nightstand (why is our furniture so big? we suck at ordering furniture) you will see this lovely creature. H picked it out at Pier One because he needed a ring holder.

Stuff Only I Care About

I am doing some work while awaiting the arrival of our new bedroom furniture. Our current bedroom furniture = bed frame, a shoe sorter that I have been using as a nightstand since my freshman year of college, a wicker chest thingy that we got as a wedding present (it is nice but not something we registered for, most likely it was on sale at ShopKo) that we have been using as a nightstand, and a purple chair my mom gave me in law school. We are keeping the purple chair. I may post some pictures when we get the furniture. Try to hold back some of your excitement!

Our furniture is supposed to arrive between 2:11 and 5:11. Why not between 2 and 5? Or even between 2:10 and 5:10? That is for HOM Furniture to know and for you to not find out.

***

What else? H and I are embarking on a new healthy eating plan. H has been on his HEP for two or three weeks now. He is being all official and consulting a dietician and eating lots of fruit and vegetables. He has already lost 10 pounds!

My goal is to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. I am telling you this because I need to be responsible for this and if I am telling you about it, I will be more likely to stick to my plan. I have three weakness which are necessitating my HEP:

1. Free food - I cannot resist it! Typically, I get free lunch once or twice a week at work. There are always free bagels and assorted danishes. And when it is someone's birthday, people go CRAZY. It is very difficult for me to pass up free food, especially when it is good, but that is step one.

2. Caribou Coffee Coolers/ Starbucks Lite Coffee Frappuccinos - So tasty on a hot summer morning! And if I take a summer intern with me and buy them coffee, my company will pay for both my coffee and the intern's. My company is trying to make me fat. Step two is no more coffee coolers or frappuccinos. Except I just got a coupon for a free ANYTHING I WANT at Starbucks, so I can use that, and then that is the end of the coolers.

3. Chinese food - My body REQUIRES that I eat Chinese food. It contains essential elements that my body needs. I think these elements are fat and salt, but that is not the point. Step three is Chinese food no more than once a month.

I bring my lunch and a snack or two every day, so that is not a problem. The only other step to my plan is to start riding my exercise bike again. Since I usually don't get home until 8:30, I am going to try riding in the morning. The odds of this happening are about 1 in 15. But if I don't ride in the morning, I will ride at night.

Good News and Bad News

My friend who tells the greatest story ever is staying with us tonight because he is moving to Minnesota (yay!), so I must go entertain him. I will try to post this weekend!

Pretty Soon I'll Be Calling Everyone "Sonny" and Playing Canasta All Day

Thirteen Ways I Know I Am An Old Lady

1. I am happy when it rains because, "The lawn really needs a good rain."

2. I can make kids behave by giving them a stern look.

3. I have no idea what music is cool. (To be honest, that has always been the case.)

4. I have held the title "matron of honor." Matron! Eh.

5. I think MySpace is annoying and can't believe so many people use it. Also, the pictures some teens have on there freak me out. I know about the pictures from watching Dateline. Seriously, why does Dateline do a story on that every week? Move on, Dateline.

6. I write about Dateline on my blog.

7. I think fashion trends are horrid. Just today, I was looking at Ann Taylor Loft online, and I saw LEGGINGS for sale. LEGGINGS. NOOOO. I also saw a person at work wearing a red kimono over gray capri leggings with giant glasses and black/white/green striped shoes. WTF?

8. Twenty seems really young.

9. I know people who are having babies.

10. I have been called "Mrs."

11. The AARP sent me a membership card. Seriously. I got it right before my 18th birthday. I have never paid any dues though, so I am pretty sure I am not in the AARP.

12. For my birthday, I asked for patio furniture.

13. Two glasses of wine makes me loopy. (I guess that doesn't make me old, just a lightweight.)