If You Wanna Be My Lover

When I only get a few hours of sleep (say 3 to 5), I am kind of loopy the next day. As in: Wheeeeeeeee! I am so pumped up! I am going to work so hard today, and it is going to be great, and who cares that I didn't sleep! I will just keep going, and it will be fantastic, and OH MY GOODNESS I HATE EVERYONE. And I am very tired. I can't do anything. I just want to close my eyes. Noooooo! I will stay awake! And it will be awesome! Go, me! Except if that person even looks at me one more time, I am going to punch him in the face. Grrrr.

So today was kind of a see-saw day. Good times.

Work has been, how do you say, hectic, but I kind of like it (for short periods of time) in a sad, pathetic way because it makes me feel like I am a tiny bit important and actually contributing something to my job. Plus, it gives me something about which I can complain. And blog.

Well, I am off to go dance to the Spice Girls.

P.S. SUCK IT.

I am pretty sure that I can never top H's response column. He seems pretty excited to be an internet celebrity. He topped himself though by giving a speech at his brother's wedding that had everyone laughing, and his grandmother even said she would like a copy of it. I was very proud. Additionally, H was not even drunk, and he initiated The Bow Hunter. I kid you not.

The wedding was really great, not just because of H's participation as best man, but because I have never seen H's brother so happy. He seemed nervous before the ceremony, but after he and his new wife exchanged rings, he grinned from ear to ear for the rest of the entire day. It was really cool to see him so happy.

The Moment of Truth

Hello welcome to the first installment of "Ask H." The post where I answer questions, make fun of drunken Sconnies (redundant to call them drunken), and talk about how awesome -R- and Nat are.

Marmite Breath said...

Dear H,
What made you fall in love with -R- and what has been the secret of your marriage so far?
Also, how awesome did you think I was in person? Be honest. PS) The only correct answer is, "VERY AWESOME, NAT!"

Dear Marmite Breath,

I fell in love with -R- the moment she started dancing around her apartment on our second date singing songs by the spice girls. Our secret (we have been married less than two years) is she is in love with me and I cannot blame her. You are awesome in fact you are very awesome. And tiny.

janet said...

Dear H,

Should I really let my husband buy a giant flat screen TV? Are you SURE it has made your life better? :)

Dear Janet,

Let me answer your question with another question. Should you let your husband be miserable? If you answer "yes" then do not get him a tv. If "no" then get him a tv. If by better you mean WAY BETTER then yes it has made my life better.

3carnations said...

I'm not asking a question, because I don't believe he will post. Like he has any spare time now that he has his -R- sized TV...

Dear 3carnations,

You are wrong.

P.S. SUCK IT.

lizgwiz said...

Dear H,

If your house caught on fire, which would you carry out first, your lovely wife or your ginormous TV? And yeah, I know -R- has legs of her own, and the TV doesn't, but let's pretend she is immobilized with fear or smoke inhalation or something. ;)

Dear Lizgwiz,

I don't know if you noticed this but, I am 6'5'', 240 lbs and can bench press a car. Therefore I would save both at the same time and call the fire department using telepathy.

stefanie said...

I would like to know what H has against Wisconsinites.
Also, since H feels that R "wastes [her] Christmases" by asking for non-worthy or worthwhile gifts, I would like to know what H's favorite gift ever was?

Dear Stefanie,

I have nothing against Sconnies (wisconsinites). Oh, by the way if two people from Sconnie get divorced, are they still brother and sister? The best gift I ever received was a half used bottle of suntan lotion from -r-'s mother. Feel the love, and don't get burned.

L Sass said...

Darn, my question was "Is it more important to get a non-ugly couch or a big TV?"
Clearly, H's opinion on flat screen TVs is of vital importance to the masses!

Dear L Sass,

It is more important to get a big tv, because there is no such thing as a non-ugly couch. Couches come in two kinds. Comfy ( the kind I like) and non-comfy ( the kind -r- likes).

Noelle said...

Dear -H-,
If your wife was taller, would you have bought a larger television?
- also -
If that television could only show 1 television show, 1 movie, and 1 sporting team for the rest of its life, which of each of those three would you chose?

Dear Noelle,

If my wife was taller, she would then be tall enough to knee me in the groin. Therefore no tv. If I had to pick: The Simpsons, Fight Club, and the Vikings ( replays of '98 season).

Lawyerish said...

Marmite Breath stole my question (the one about falling in love with -R-). Dang!
Ok, here's some more:
What's your favorite thing about where you live (geographically, not the house itself)?
What is the best thing you bring to your marriage?
Have you ever been to New York City, and if so, what did you think of it?
If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?

Dear Lawyerish,

I like Minnesota because it has seasons and plenty of drunk sconnies creep over to make me feel like less of a drunk. The ability to lift heavy objects and reach tall shelves. No, I have never been to New York. The Olive Garden's never ending pasta bowl.

Galoot said...

What are the specs on that TV? Your wife won't answer important questions like that! Screen dimensions? LCD or plasma? Are you going to get HD programming through cable or satellite or get an antenna and pick up a free signal? This is life or death!

Dear Galoot,

55 inches, HD LCD 1080i rear projection sony with the vega engine. Two HDMI ports, two widescreen inputs and four component inputs. We get local channels in HD through cable. I bought an up converter/recorder DVD. The Wii and the PS2 look beautiful on it. Next come the receiver and speakers for the surround.

sognatrice said...

I'm going to throw out a softball:
How much wood *could* a woodchuck chuck (if a woodchuck could chuck wood)?
And also, how many consecutive times can you say that without screwing up? I'm relying on -R- for verification here.

Dear Sognatrice,

I really don't know. I do know how many bullets a woodchuck can take if the woodchuck is rabid. One (a true tale from the farm!!!!!)


don't call me MA'AM said...

1. What is your favorite flavor of gum?
2. Without getting too specific, what was your favorite legal issue you've had to resolve?
3. If you could name a crayon after yourself, what color and name would it be?
4. If you complete a task at home, but -R- doesn't see you do it, did it really happen?
5. If you and -R- could go anywhere in the world and do whatever you wanted, what would YOU want to do?
6. What was your favorite book when you were growing up?

Dear don't call me MA'AM,

I like Big Red or Bazooka Joe. Can a cop pull someone over for having busted headlights on a sunny day? I said no and the judge agreed and it saved my client four years of prison. My crayon would be blue and it would be called "Your wife just blue me". My favorite book was "Where the Red Fern Grows" the movie sucked.

Jenny said...

1. Which one is your favorite toe?
2. What did -R- tell you that you could NOT tell us about?

Dear Jenny,

-r-'s little pinky toe. It is the cutest toe in the history of feet. I cannot tell you such information even if I had such information for me to tell to you about the information that is secret information even if such information exist, which it may not but if it did i could tell you if it did.... or not.....because it doesn't. Does that clear things up?

This post by H PURPOSEFULLY CONtains bad grammur and spellings because i like it that way and it drivves -r_ crazy. -R- has absolved herself of all punctuation related mishaps that might occurrr

I also dispense sage advice for those interested.

PEACE OUT Y'ALL

H

It Was Fruit Pie, So I Think It Was Actually A Pretty Healthy Breakfast

Water guns inside my in-laws house? Yes. All I have to say is: Serenity now.

During the time I have been with H, there were several times when we have gone to visit his family and everyone visiting had all kinds of places they needed to go and people they needed to see (including H), and I somehow got left alone at H's parents' house watching the nieces and nephews. The first time this happened, I tried to play with the kids and make sure they had the best time ever while still being kind of strict. The second time, I played with them but didn't worry so much about whether the house got messy. The third time, H walked in and caught me feeding one of the kids pie for breakfast. If they leave me alone with the kids again, I will be like, "What? You want to build a giant mud pit in the yard and wrestle each other in it and then run through the house like crazy people? Sounds good! I'll be on the porch reading High Fidelity if you need me." Ah, it's like I'm a real member of the family now.

Hypothetically Shmypothetically

If someone came and stayed at your house overnight and accidentally left a pair of pajamas in the bathroom, would you wash them before returning them? What if they also accidentally left a pair of underwear? I hypothetically feel like I should wash everything, but I think it might be weird to wash someone else's underwear. Hypothetically. Does anyone else have these dilemmas, or is it just me? Or maybe you just do whatever the heck you want and don't worry about stupid stuff like this.

Hypothetically.

It doesn't seem like most of the bloggers I read are going to BlogHer. I am not against it because there are a lot of people I would love to meet. But I will be spending this weekend at my brother-in-law's wedding instead. I just realized yesterday that since H is the best man, I will be on my own with his parents and siblings most of the time. Serenity now!

Hypothetically.

My in-laws aren't really that bad. In fact, everyone in H's family has always been more than nice to me. His family is just very different than mine. For example, I have one sister. H has three sisters and a brother. My extended family includes approximately 10 people (counting myself). H has 24 sets of aunts and uncles and over 100 cousins. So you might see why I think our families are different. You might also see why I (jokingly) say serenity now!

Don't forget: there is still plenty of time to ask H questions.

H Is Back

Remember a long time ago when H promised me he was going to guest post? But then he never did? H has promised me that if you ask him questions in the comments of this post, he will answer some of them on Wednesday night. Can you feel the excitement in the air?!! So ask away!

My Husband Has a New True Love

H and I have a joint account into which we put most of our money. We also each have our own small personal account that we can use however we want. H is not very good at saving money. He spends money pretty much as soon as he gets it. So when he asked if he could get a giant television, I said that if he bought it with his personal account, it was fine with me. I really am ok with him spending his personal money on a tv, but I didn't think he would actually be able to save enough money.

Today he proved me wrong.



The television is almost the same size as me. I am scared.

(We did buy a stand on which to put the tv, but it is not available until next Wednesday.)

I Have No Title For These Ramblings

I bet you are on the edge of your seat. Did I stay up to finish my work on Sunday night/Monday morning, or did I go to sleep? Neither! I decided to go to bed, but then I couldn't fall asleep until sometime after 3:30 a.m., so I managed to not get any more work done AND not get any sleep. Smooth move there, -R-! But my project is now finished, and I am happy, so there was a good conclusion for everyone involved. Everyone meaning me, as I was the only person involved. But anyway. I don't think I have ever actually pulled an all-nighter. There have been times that I stayed up late (maybe 3 a.m.?), but then I just give up and go to bed. I am not what you would call hardcore.

H is very proud of himself because he called into a radio station today and got on the air. We just listened to it on the computer, and it was very cute manly. The radio people were discussing a recent case, and H called in to comment on some legal aspect of the case. He also totally lied about where he lived, for no real reason other than he is random. He also gives his name as "Diego" whenever he has to make a reservation at a restaurant. His name is not Diego. Nor is his name uncommon or hard to pronounce. H just likes to live on the edge by having a reservation-making alter ego.

H has also decided that if he were to become a boxer or UFC fighter, his name would be H "Let's Talk It Out" Lastname, and he would walk into the ring to the song "Why Can't We Be Friends." I think I would be -R- "The Bow Hunter" Lastname, and my song would be "Cat Scratch Fever." I also have a strategy. It mainly involves pretending to faint as soon as the first round starts and then just staying down.

Heeeeeeeeeey Yoooooooou Guuuuuuuuuys!

When it is 1 am and you are awake working on a stupid case that you now kind of regret volunteering for, you start thinking quotes from The Goonies are really hilarious. You may also invent an awesome new dance called The Bow Hunter. This is a two person dance. One partner does a loose interpretation of a moose by dancing with their arms above their head and their palms open. Then the second partner holds their left arm out straight in front of them, pulls an imaginary arrow out of the imaginary quiver on their back, puts their right arm straight out next to the left arm, and then pulls the right arm back towards their chest like they are shooting an arrow. Best Dance Ever (that was invented by a sleep deprived crazy person at 1 am)! Do you think H will do this dance with me at his brother's wedding in two weeks? (I will be the hunter, obviously.) I will have to get him really liquored up first. Of course, I will already be very liquored up because that is what I like to do at H's family's weddings. Don't worry, H's family won't notice the level of my inebriation because they will all be quite wasted themselves. Good times!

I am not making fun of H's family. I am just pointing out that they are a good Irish Catholic family that enjoys a drink at weddings now and then. Unlike my tiny family, where we do not even attend each other's weddings. Good times!

I am still not done with my work. Do I stay up and try to finish it, thus probably adding crazy gobbeldy good and occasional references to The Bow Hunter? Or do I try to wake up early in the morning to get it done, but then hit my snooze button 50 times and end up late for work?

Stay tuned.

Why H Is The Best Husband Ever

I asked H, "Can I take pictures of you re-enacting the stabbing incident for my blog?"

H answered, "Sure."

I am feeling grumpy and anti-social. I've been feeling like this for about a week, which you probably wouldn't guess from my activities in the last seven days: friends over for the 4th, lunch with friends on my birthday, out-of-town guests visiting, lunch with coworkers Friday, BBQ with friends Friday, hanging out with other friends Saturday, dinner Sunday with 3 other couples, and dinner last night with 2 other couples. Thank you, grumpiness. Excellent timing. It's not that I didn't have fun spending time with all these people. I did. And I am glad we did all the above-listed events. I can't explain it except to say that I am grumpy and tired, but I did enjoy hanging out with my friends, and if they hadn't invited me to spend time with them, I would be even more grumpy and anti-social right now. I am also trying to plan a BBQ at our house in the near future, but I can't figure out when to have it. I have a crippling fear that no one will come, so I keep changing the date for it. Yay, I am a neurotic, grumpy freak! Whee!

Ummm... yeah.

Speaking of freaks, one of the blankets in our living room is possessed. H and I were playing Guitar Hero last night, and the blanket on the couch started moving. By itself. The blanket was shifting so that it looked like an animal the size of a basketball was under the blanket taking deep breaths. I pictured a basketball-sized frog. Because I am a logical thinker.

H started freaking out. "Get me a knife!" he yelled.

"No!" I responded. I did not want him killing some scary animal in our living room.

But H found a knife and ended up stabbing the blanket several times before realizing that no small animal had snuck into our house and onto the couch where we had been sitting 15 minutes earlier. (Thank goodness.) I am just glad H was the irrational one for once.

What What!

I was goofing around on blogs tonight and happened across Jen's blog, which had a link to Gizoogle. Gizoogle translates any website into "jive." So I translated my blog, and here is my last post, according to Gizoogle.

Happy Independence Day ta all of you (also affectionately referred ta in many nations as tha Day Before -R-'s Birthday) thats off tha hook yo!

I hizzle already begun tha birthday celebrizzles. Today mah assistant bought bagels fo` tha Breakfast Birthday Celebrizzles. Then one of mah boss's tizzle me out ta lunch fo` tha Lunch Birthday Celebrizzles. And tizzy afta wizzle I wizzay ta tha mizzy fo` tha Ann Taylor Loft Birthday Celebrizzle where I bought two skirts fo` $27.50. The sale is buy one sale item, git shot calla sale item fo` half price, so one of tha skirts ended up cost'n $7.50! Then I came home, n mah baby daddy had sizzent flowa fo` tha official Floral Birthday Celebrizzles . Wussup to all my niggaz in the house. I am not sure yet whizzat we is going ta do tomorrow besides attempt ta W-to-tha-izzatch two fireworks displays at once (the Fireworks Birthday Celebrizzles. Thiznen it is mah actual birthday, n Double G is com'n ta ghetto fo` tha Bizzy Friend Birthday Celebrizzles. Finally, on Saturday, H n I is going out fo` tha Official Birthday Dinna in tha hood. Consider'n T-H-to-tha-izzat mah 25th birthday was spizzent straight trippin' an official practice bar exam, I believe tizzle I deserve all tha birthday fanfare, even though mah 25th birthday was 3 years ago. P-L-to-tha-izzus, I am special. [Insert rap fizzy here.]

All tha birthday celebrizzles mizzy one perpetratin': mah mom's birthday is on Monday! Hiznelp . Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T! I asked mah sista fo` gizzift ideas, but mah sista said, "My specialty is Christmas, not birthdays." Are there any birthday specialists out there? I need sum-m sum-m T-H-to-tha-izzat is NOT a knick-knack. My mom's hobbies is golf n ballin'. She has expensive (or straight trippin' she loves a good deal) taste. She is not good wit technology yeah yeah baby. She enjoys long walks on tha beach n messin' champagne in tha moonlight . Keep'n it gangsta dogg. Oh wait fo' rizeal. I think I gots off topic there.

Celebration! We're Gonna Celebrate and Have a Good Time! Come On!

Happy Independence Day to all of you (also affectionately referred to in many nations as the Day Before -R-'s Birthday)!

I have already begun the birthday celebrations. Today my assistant bought bagels for the Breakfast Birthday Celebration. Then one of my boss's took me out to lunch for the Lunch Birthday Celebration. And then after work I went to the mall for the Ann Taylor Loft Birthday Celebration, where I bought two skirts for $27.50. The sale is buy one sale item, get another sale item for half price, so one of the skirts ended up costing $7.50! Then I came home, and my dad had sent flowers for the official Floral Birthday Celebration. I am not sure yet what we are going to do tomorrow besides attempt to watch two fireworks displays at once (the Fireworks Birthday Celebration). Then it is my actual birthday, and Double G is coming to town for the Best Friend Birthday Celebration. Finally, on Saturday, H and I are going out for the Official Birthday Dinner. Considering that my 25th birthday was spent taking an official practice bar exam, I believe that I deserve all the birthday fanfare, even though my 25th birthday was 3 years ago. Plus, I am special. [Insert rap face here.]

All the birthday celebrations mean one thing: my mom's birthday is on Monday! Help! I asked my sister for gift ideas, but my sister said, "My specialty is Christmas, not birthdays." Are there any birthday specialists out there? I need something that is NOT a knick-knack. My mom's hobbies are golf and reading. She has expensive (or expensive-looking, she loves a good deal) taste. She is not good with technology. She enjoys long walks on the beach and drinking champagne in the moonlight. Oh wait. I think I got off topic there.

Oh, Sexy Girlfriend

Sognatrice awarded me a Rockin' Girl Blogger Award today.


There is supposed to be a picture of the little award above, but I don't know how to make it show up, so you will just have to trust me. Or you can click over to Sognatrice's blog if you don't believe that she really gave me this oddly named award.

I don't know how I feel about being a Rockin' Girl Blogger. It makes me think of the foreign exchange student on Sixteen Candles (Long Duck Dong) yelling, "Oh, sexy girlfriend!"

I am feeling really "Rockin'" (those are Quotes of Irony) after doing my entire dance workout DVD tonight. There are parts of the workout where Head Workout Lady tells me to do my own arm movements to really make the dance my own. My arm movements consist of me holding up my index fingers and wiggling them around like I am a really bad 1920s male dancer. (I feel like 1920s female dancers did jazz hands while their partners just pointed and moved their hands up and down.) I am the least sexy dancer ever, and that is ok with me. I do have a rap face that I make when I am trying to dance seriously, but it is hard to replicate on command. It just comes naturally when I am in the groove. Picture the nerdiest person you know trying to look hip-hop. That is probably a close approximation of the rap face.

What Did You Do This Weekend?

I started off the weekend with a shopping spree at Target. Woooo. I got some workout clothes, a skirt, and 5 shirts.

Then I came home, and H's back went out, so good times were had by all as H stumbled around the house cursing.

We were supposed to go to H's hometown and attend his cousin's wedding on Saturday, but although H was feeling better, there was no way he could have sat in a car for a stretch of more than 30 minutes, so we stayed home. I went for an afternoon bike ride. Normally I go biking at around 7:30 pm. Did you know that if you go biking at 1:30, it is much hotter than it is at 7:30? Also, the sun is brighter and will burn your shoulders to a crisp if you wear your new sleeveless workout shirt from Target? These things are true. My hands, arms, and shoulders are very red. Except for a large, strangely-shaped blotch on my left wrist where I was wearing H's giant sports watch.

Today we went to church, bought groceries at Target, and went to the local pool. I didn't want to subject my arms and shoulders to any more sun, so I wore a cardigan. It was sexy. I think wearing cardigans to the pool is going to be the new It Thing.

When we went to Target today, I was wearing a new t-shirt from Target, a new skirt from Target, and gold sandals from Target. For some reason, I am self-conscious when I wear an all Target ensemble to Target (or an all The Gap ensemble to The Gap, for example). Like someone will notice and think, Try shopping somewhere else for once, you freak!