Have a Holly Jolly New Year

The holiday season is finally over for H and me. We had Christmas: Part Deux with my mom, her significant other, and my sister on Sunday. Now we can relax, watch a movie or two, and put away all the Christmas decorations that seem to somehow have multiplied. Yet we still have no stocking hangers, so our stockings spent Christmas 2006 lying on the floor kind of near the mantel. Anyway, now that the holidays are over, I will give a Christmas recap.

From Christmas: Part One. H and his nephew take on Guitar Hero.


Also, some evidence that I really did teach my niece to knit.


The first part of Christmas: Part Deux is the traditional Attendance of the College Basketball Game at which You Sneak into the Student Section Because Your Actual Seats Suck.


H and I decided this holiday season was the time to perfect taking sucky pictures of ourselves.
X

X

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Finally, I will share with you some pictures of the Christmas Loot.

gift card for Caribou Coffee from my sister


my new awesome slippers

And now, a total surprise that is so wonderful it may blind you if you look at it directly...



a Kitchen Aid mixer!*

No close up of the present from H, but I thought the earrings and the mixer might be too much gloriousness for one post.

I was going to write a disclaimer about how I really didn't expect this much for Christmas and it is really too much, but I have decided instead to say that if you think I am annoying or bratty for being happy that I got earrings, slippers, a coffee gift card, and a mixer, then I say to you, "Meh." Happy new year!

*This second picture is Picture #1 for Project 365.

Golden Birthday

Today the world celebrates, as it is H's Golden Birthday!

Have you ever heard of a golden birthday? I had not before I met H and his family. A golden birthday is the birthday on which when a person's age matches his or her date of birth. Today H turns 29 on the 29th.

I feel like I have been mushy and barfy enough lately, so to H I will just say:

Why not 20? Come here so I can give you a punch hug. I love you, and happy birthday!

The 2006 Review

I am thinking about doing my own Project 365, but like Laurie, I am unsure whether to do it or not.

Reasons I might do it: it would be cool to have a record of every day of 2007, the end result might be cool

Reasons I might not do it: I am not a great photographer, I hate stopping to take pictures of things when I am with other people, I might get tired and give up on it, the end result might suck

Looking at that defeatist list makes me want to try. So I think I shall. I doubt I will post all the pictures here, but I may share some of the good ones. I have no idea yet what the end result will be. Maybe a post on December 31, 2007 of a collage of all the photos. Or maybe just an online record of my year. I don't feel like I have to decide that yet. And now for my thirteen, I shall steal some questions from Lawyerish's post tonight.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? Stay married for a whole year. Work at the same job for a whole year (the last job was only 51 weeks). Serve as a bridesmaid (twice). Attend a Hindu wedding.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I just looked through my blog archives to see if I had any resolutions. So obviously if I made them I didn't keep them, or I only kept them accidentally. I don't think I made any last year though. This year, my resolution is to treat people the way I want to be treated. Kind of hard to measure, but I think it's a good goal.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My friend who I met while we were studying abroad in Ireland gave birth this year. Her baby is the cutest baby ever. Sorry, Stefanie, but she is. I admit that Megan is extremely cute though.

4. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A vacation where I can just sit by the pool or ocean and read. I want to go somewhere warm and relax! Also, a bookcase in our home office.

5. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 28 was my Texas friend's wedding. It was gorgeous and fun and Texas-y. July 2 was Double_G's wedding. It was beautiful and unique and Indian-y. September 3 was our first anniversary. So apparently weddings are very important to me.

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Staying happily married. Not that we had a rough time or anything. I am just very proud of our relationship. H is really my best friend. (I apologize if lame cliches make you barf.)

7. What was your biggest failure? Losing 5 pounds and then gaining back 10 pounds. I am back to exercising almost every day and paying attention to what I eat. Hopefully, I can lose 15 pounds by the end of March (my arbitrary deadline). When I told H I wanted to lose 15 pounds, he asked, "Why not 20?" Please see Item 6 above. (He was not being mean; he just doesn't think about how he says certain things.)

8. What was the best thing you bought? Our bedroom set. I feel like an adult and not like a college kid now.

9. Whose behavior merited celebration? H's. Not only is he a wonderful person, but he has lost 35 pounds! He has worked really hard to change his diet and exercise more. Of course, I think he was hot before, and he is still hot. I am just proud of all his effort and discipline.

10. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Lindsay Lohan. You were so cute in "Mean Girls"! What happened?

11. Where did most of your money go? Our house. I love it though, so it is worth it.

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Guitar Hero. Pam and Jim's kiss.

13. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? Happier, fatter, and richer. May 2007 bring more of the same. Except for the fat.

Jumpin' Jehosophat!

This blog is not going to become a "Kids Say the Darndest Things!" site, but the story of my interrogation reminded me of another time I had to put my diversion skills to the test.

A few years ago, I was a volunteer at an elementary school. Once a week, the other volunteers and I would go to a school and read for 30 minutes with our first grade reading buddies. My buddy was very nice and super cute, but she had the attention span of a gnat. Every weekend, I went to the library and picked out lots of books with tons of busy pictures and few words because that was about all she could handle. And yet, almost every week she would bring her own books that were big and boring with tons of words and few pictures. I would try to get her excited about the picture books that I knew she would like, but she always insisted on starting with her books. After the first sentence or two, she would get annoyed and distracted, and it was a pain to get her back on track.

One week she actually selected a book with a ton of busy pictures. I was so excited that she had picked it out herself. It was a book about dinosaurs. We started reading and naming all the dinosaurs and learning about what they ate and where they lived. Then we turned the page, and there were pictures of different ways the dinosaurs could have gone extinct. One picture was of a volcano spraying out lava.

"Did that volcano kill all the dinosaurs?" my buddy asked.

"That is one theory as to why all the dinosaurs died," I said.

"Is the volcano going to explode again?" she asked, looking up at me with big eyes.

"No, I think we're ok," I tried to reassure her.

"Are we all going to die?" she asked.

"Ummm... don't worry about it. Everything is fine," I said. I tried to turn the page.

"Can I look at the volcano again?" she asked.

I tried to convince her we needed to move on to the next page instead of discussing life and death, but she insisted on studying the volcano some more.

"Why didn't Jehovah save the dinosaurs?" she asked, with trembling lips.

"Everything is fine! Don't worry! We are safe! Let's look at this book about the Berenstein Bears!"

"Couldn't Jehovah save the dinosaurs?" she asked, a little bit calmer.

"I'm sure Jehovah could. Ok! Let's look at the Berenstein Bears!" I said, picturing her going home and telling her mom how she and her reading buddy talked all about Jehovah and why he killed all the dinosaurs and everyone is going to die. But luckily, the call of the Berenstein Bears won out, and we spent the rest of our time learning how the Berenstein Bears joined the Bear Scouts.

Christmas Interrogation

My six-year-old niece has become quite the little interrogator in the three months since I had seen her last.

Niece: Are you and H going to sleep in the same bed?
Me: Yes.
Niece: Why?
Me: Because we're married.
Niece: Did you sleep in the same bed before you were married?
Me: So I heard you got a new guinea pig?
Niece: Did you sleep together before you got married?
Me: What is the guinea pig's name? Can I see him?


Later, I taught my 11-year-old niece how to knit, using some extra yarn and a set of needles I wasn't using. It was fun, and she learned really quickly. It was especially cool because I knew that her grandma (H's mom) was giving her knitting needles, yarn, and a how-to book for Christmas. She was so excited when she opened up the gift and saw all the yarn. She already had about half a scarf made when we left this afternoon. But anyway, as I was teaching the 11-year-old to knit, the six-year-old found me again.

Niece: You cried at your wedding.
Me: Yes, I did.
Niece: I saw you.
Me: I know. You were the flower girl.
Niece: When are you going to have babies?
Me: ...


Then the niece went off to ask my sister-in-law why she doesn't have a boyfriend.

To the Farm!

We were supposed to pick up H's sister at the airport and take her to H's parents' house, where we would all spend the weekend. But H's sister's flight got cancelled, so we are sitting at home when we should already be at the family farm. Aargh. She must be frustrated too. Waiting at the airport SUCKS.

But we are headed out soon, after a quick trip to the liquor store for my "supplies." I will be back Monday night with tales of my adventures on the family farm. I hope you all have a merry Christmas or at least a good long weekend!

PS I like my hair now. At least, I don't hate it. So that is progress!

PPS I saw a pimp today. He was wearing baggy lime green pants and a white fur coat. And he was yelling at some thug-type guy on the street. Good times.

When I Saw My Haircut, A Certain F Word Came to Mind

Before I do my Thursday list, let me first tell you a little story. I decided to get a haircut today. I have been thinking about it for a while and realized that I would actually be able to leave work in time to get a haircut tonight, so I made a quick appointment and met with a new stylist. I said that I would like shoulder-length hair. The stylist asked if I would like layers. I said yes. She asked if I would like long layers. I said yes. The stylist confirmed that I wanted shoulder-length hair with long layers.

Does this look like shoulder-length hair with long layers to you?

I am pretty sure that my chin is above my shoulders, so the fact that my hair is now above my chin does not make me happy at all. It is ugly. I am mad. Mad and ugly. I can't wait for all the Christmas pictures.


So anyway, for my thirteen things today, I am going to list thirteen things that start with the letter F and make me happy. I have done something similar before, but this time I got a letter from Stefanie. Lots of other people have done this as well, including Malia.

Anyway, here we go.

1. frankfurters at baseball games- I love going to baseball games. Especially College World Series games. And franks taste best outside.

2. friends- I am so lucky to have a few people that have stuck with me despite my moodiness and general craziness, and I am so glad to have them in my life. I am also grateful for new friends. Nothing can cheer me up or make me happy the way a friend with a good story can.

3. frozen yogurt- Ben & Jerry's frozen yogurt is deliciously wonderful.

4. Frappaccinos- the perfect summer treat and a good reason to take a break at work.

5. family- My family is small, but I know that I can depend on them no matter what.

6. fancy dinners (that I don't have to cook)

7. freedom- Don't worry. I'm not going to break out into a song by Lee Greenwood.

8. Foo Fighters- I will not break out into a song by the Foo Fighters either.

9. fabulous haircuts that look nice and are actually shoulder-length

10. French cheese- Camembert is my favorite despite number 3 on this list.

11. Falk, Peter- I love Columbo. I like the mystery aspect, the pace of the storyline, and the way he makes people think he is dumb in order to trip them up. You think I'm a dork now, don't you? [As though you didn't think that before you read this.]

12. fermented grapes- Kind of a stretch, and yet, I don't care.

13. free food- What can I say? I am stingy.

It Is Tuesday, Right?

I think I went all day without saying anything weird at work, which is pretty amazing for me. I even had some important conference calls during which I sounded professional. Wooo!

*****

I have been having a very odd problem lately. I have no idea what day of the week it is. For example, I was certain that today was Wednesday, and I spent a lot of the day freaking out because I have a project that has to be completed by 8 a.m. Thursday, and I had no idea how I was going to get it done. It was not until 6 p.m. that I realized it was Tuesday. I have been like this for two weeks. I will even look at the calendar to figure out what day it is, and then five minutes later, I have no idea what day it is again. I think I may have caught a bad case of Laurinaitis.

*****

I have no idea why I needed to make that extremely lame "joke," but I am having sever day-of-the-week issues. It is so bizarre.

Send Me A Kiss By Wire! Baby, My Heart's On Fire!

So I have been trying to think of six weird things about myself to write since I was tagged by Stories 2 Tell a while ago. I can't seem to think of six weird things about myself, although if you asked my sister, she would probably not be able to stop at six. So here is my attempt at six:

1. I talk to myself a lot. In the car or when I am alone. Not while wandering down the street or in the elevator or anything like that.

2. I also talk to inanimate objects. I was at the printer at work the other day, and I thought no one was around. I realized I had printed the wrong thing, so I looked at the paper and asked, "Why did I print you?" Of course, a partner who I rarely see was walking by and gave me a weird look. Which reminds me that I saw a different partner today and we had the following conversation:
Me: Hi! How are you?
Him: Fine. How are you?
Me: Good. How are you?
Him: Fine.
Me: [in my head] D'oh!

3. I am somewhat lactose intolerant, but I eat lots of cheese anyway. Then I get sick. Yet I still cannot resist cheese. Maybe that is not so much weird as it is dumb.

4. I freaking hate the winter, but I moved to Minnesota willingly. It hasn't been too bad yet in the 2.5 years I have lived here.

5. When people praise me, I cry. It's not like if my boss says, "Good job," I will start weeping or anything. I only get teary if someone gives me a lot of praise. Like when my favorite professor in law school came to the graduation party my friends and I had, and he told my mom what a great student and trial team member I was and went on and on. Then I got really teary and almost cried. Or when H gave a speech about me at my swearing-in ceremony (when I became a member of the bar), I got really teary.

6. I break out into song quite frequently. When I come home at night, I will often sing, "Hello, my honey. Hello, my baby. Hello, my Nerdle pal!" [instead of ragtime gal].

Overheard in Minnesota

Earlier this week...

H: We got two packages from Amazon.com today.
Me: Don't open them.
H: Can I just open the small one?
Me: No.
H: Ok, I'll just open the big one.
Me: No.
H: Fine. I'll only open both of them.
Me: No.
H: I'll just guess what is in them, and you tell me when I guess right.
Me: No.
H: What if I open them, look inside, but then tape them back up and pretend to be surprised when I open them again?
Me: Let me think about it. No.
H: I'm going to open them when you leave for work.
Me: No, you're not.
H: LET ME OPEN THEM!
Me: NO!


Today we exchanged presents. We are going to be out of town for Christmas. Plus today we went to a performance of "A Christmas Carol" that H's cousin was in, which was surprisingly good. And I wanted to give H some time to play around with one of his presents. I gave H a cordless circular saw (that he picked out) and a pair of cuff links. H gave me some gorgeous diamond earrings. It was a very Christmas-y day.

Advice Needed

First: the good news. I have been working out for two weeks. In a row.
Second: the bad news. This week, it really helped me to watch the first season of Project Runway on DVD as I worked out. But I have finished the first season, and I have already seen seasons two and three.

Where you come in: Please recommend a new show that I can rent on DVD that will keep me (figuratively) glued to the seat of my bike.

Shows that I like: Arrested Development, House, The Office, Grey's Anatomy (although I haven't watched the last 4 or 5 episodes), and Gilmore Girls (except I stopped watching it last season).

Drinkin' It Up

I loved law school. I met some really great people (including H) and had a lot of fun, even though it was a lot of work. Do you know what I did not love about law school? Finals. During the entire three-year period of law school, I only had three classes in which my entire grade was not based on the final. It was a little bit stressful. But after the two week finals period was over, the entire law school would go to this one dive bar and proceed to drink. It was marvelous.

The December parties that I have to go to now are not nearly as fun. In fact, several of them are quite painful. We went to a fun one last week at the house of a judge for whom I used to work though. Every year, he invites all his former clerks and their significant others over to partake of wine and crazy Norwegian food. H made a new friend (some guy with a job similar to H's), and I got to catch up with the awesome people with whom I clerked.

I don't have that much else going on right now, besides work. We don't have any plans for the weekend, so hopefully we will finally clean our house. We will go to the family farm to spend Christmas with H's family, and then we will go to see my family the following weekend.

I really just want to go find a dive bar and drink it up with friends right now. Well, not right now, but soon. Maybe I will just bring lots of alcohol to the farm.

I Do It All For You

Thirteen Pearls Of Wisdom I Think It Is My Duty To Share With You

Alternate Title: Thirteen Things I Have Learned the Hard Way, But Only For Your Benefit

1. Do not use the finger with which you just applied Carmex to your lips to wipe your eye five seconds letter.
2. Your eye will start watering like a mofo, and basically, your eye will just start crying.
3. That will also be the exact moment your coworker will come into your office to ask how your annual review went.

4. When, during an interview, the interviewer admits that she is 50, try not to look super shocked.
5. If you do look super shocked, pretend that it is because you thought she was much younger, and not, in fact, because she actually looks at least 75.

6. When you are wearing glasses, make sure that you look through the lenses when you are trying to judge how high a curb is.
7. If you do end up falling into the street, try to get up quickly.

8. Try to focus on what people are saying during a meeting.
9. Otherwise, you might start thinking of something really funny that happened about three years ago, and then you might try to stifle a laugh and end up snorting.
10. Fake coughs will not disguise the fact that you just snorted.

11. When you are speaking with a group of judges, do not end the conversation by saying, "Thanks, guys!"

12. Check out links on the blogs you like, in both the sidebar and in the comments.
13. You may find some new blogs that you will fall in love with, like Metalia or LizLand.

The Waiter Made a Face Like "WTF Are These Nerds Doing?!"

I am supposed to come up with 6 weird things about myself, but after reading Jes's list I feel like there is just no way I could top that. I will try to work something up for you.

I am kind of a competitive person, as you may remember. I like to pretend like I'm not and I can convince myself sometimes that I am laid back and all kumbaya. But then when we are playing a card game, I get frustrated when someone takes too long on his or her turn and I start bossing everyone around. Or perhaps when we are playing Taboo, I am like, "Oh, I don't care who wins!" But then I am yelling out answers like a crazy person and jumping out of my seat when someone says one of the words from the Taboo list. Just so you know, I don't get mad at the other players. I just get really into the game.

And now for a somewhat related tangent, H hates card games and board games, while I love them. I can never get anyone to play games with me. It sucks. Pictionary is so fun! Especially when you are drinking! Maybe the problem is that I feel like a five-year-old asking people over to my house to play games, so I never ask anyone. Is it dorky to ask people over to have a game night? Would H participate if I had a game night, or would he just go in the basement and lift weights on the Thunder Thruster?

OMG, people, H wants to buy this exercise machine called the Thunder Thruster. How hilarious is that? Very hilarious. I am sure it is a great machine and everything, but it is called the Thunder Thruster. "See you in half an hour, honey. I gotta go THRUST on the THUNDER THRUSTER." I will laugh so hard if we have a Thunder Thruster in our basement. And it makes me think of the Thunder from Down Under that I had to go see earlier this year. In fact, I bet the guys from that show use the Thunder Thruster a lot, if you know what I mean.

Hmm... that last sentence makes no sense, and I realized that when I wrote it, but it makes me laugh, so I am leaving it.

So, speaking (writing) of board games - nice segueway, wasn't it - I had a friendly acquaintance in college who liked to play board games. I went over to his apartment once and played board games with him and his friends, and it was a little ... interesting. When we were deciding what game to play, we had to go out to one of the friend's cars and go through his trunk to look at all his games. His trunk was FULL of board games. It was so full of board games that he had to put the games in the trunk in a specific order so that they would all fit. Whoa. So we played a game, and it was fine, and then I left. A few weeks later, the same acquaintance asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him and some other friends. (I will not go into how I know that this was not a date because, seriously, that is at least another whole post on its own, so just trust me; this guy had no romantic interest in me.) So we go out to dinner, and trunk-full-of-games guy was there. And he brought Uno with him into the restaurant, and everyone started playing Uno as soon as we were seated, and I was mortified. I admit that I am a nerd, but do I really need to play Uno while I am waiting for the waiter to take my order? No, I do not.

When Do I Get My Deputy Badge?

H and I were driving to the grocery store (actually, I was driving; H was the passenger) when H yelled, "That kid [in the car next to us] just took a bong hit!" Nice. The car was going really slow and swerving, so H called 911.

H: "These two geniuses in the car behind us have a bong."

The 911 dispatch asked us to stay with the car and to let them know where it was going. So we got behind the kids, and the trip to the grocery store turned into an a drive through three different suburbs.

The kids finally stopped in the Wendy's parking lot. (Of course.) The dispatcher asked us to park in a nearby location and keep an eye on them. I felt like I was on a pothead stakeout. The kids stayed in their car for a while, and then got in a waiting minivan. The dispatcher asked us to follow the minivan, but we got stuck in traffic and lost them.

The dispatcher asked us what the kids were wearing. The answer: tie-dye. Tie-dye and Wendy's? Did we even need to follow them? I could have told the dispatcher all this as soon as I saw the bong.

*****

I asked H if he wanted to do a guest post on my blog about our adventure because he was really into it. H says he will consider doing a guest post about some undisclosed subject in the future, so stay tuned!

And You Know What Else You Can Read

This Girl's View/Sarah Says Cranium Superstar

Thinking Out Loud I'm Listening

Tartine Lessons From NYC

Swimming With Sharks Law School Is Full of Them

Super Fantastic If You Are Only Medium Fantastic, This Is Not The Blog For You

Sunday Undies Holier Than the Rest?

Stefanie Says Listen Up!

Sass Attack Your Only Defense is a Dash of Sass

Red Red Whine Makes Me Feel So Fine

Preppy Girl's Guide Word.

Paisley Propaganda The Propaganda is Good!

One Smart Cookie Not Too Crumby

One Single Groove Groovin' on a Sunday Afternoon

Nabbalicious It's Laughtastic

Metalia Bloggin' It Up

Marmite Breath A Dingo Ate Her Baby

Mama Drama Oh, The Drama

Maliavale It's dot-com!

LizLand Liz, Gee Whiz

Lawyerish Lawyers=People Too

Jonniker When Snowbirds Attack

Grumpy Frump Now With 99% Less Frump

Galoot's Hoot Page Nutcracker Star

Face Down Bottoms Up

Don't See In Here Reverse Psychology

The Cupcake Tent Varitek Lovah

Crazy Aunt Purl Ol' Wine Lips McGee

Chirky Fun in the Metroplex

Boozie Drinks for Everyone

The Karate Kid Loves Blingo, And So Will You

A Study of Human Nature, in Bullet Points

* I saw the ex-friend today! I smiled at her, and she ignored me. Oh well. If I see her again, I will continue to be friendly to her, and she can choose whether or not she wants to be civil to me. Not a big deal. I don't dislike her; I just don't want to spend time with her.

* I am caught in a ridiculous situation that I do not foresee changing in the near future. In the last few months, I have cycled through stages of (1) trying to make it better, (2) getting annoyed, and (3) anger. Today I reached a new stage: (4) laughing at how ridiculous it is and being entertained. I was feeling pretty good about myself for kind of transcending the situation and not letting it get to me, but then when I was working out tonight, I felt myself getting angry about the situation again. I am trapped! Again, my response = oh well. I can't control other people's behavior, and I will continue to try to see the humor it.

* Yes, you read that right. I worked out tonight. That is two times this week! It's a Christmas miracle! I actually enjoyed the workout and part of me did not want to stop, but I had to so that I could get some more work done before I go to bed. Anyway, I do not want to admit that I enjoyed the workout because I do not want H to gloat about it and use this admission as justification for nagging me in the future. Who am I kidding? Of course H will nag me to work out for the rest of my life whether I admit that I found it enjoyable tonight or not. So there you go.

* H was talking to his mom on the phone tonight (not a common occurrence, in case you were wondering), and she asked him what she should get me for Christmas. I told H that I would like some nice stationery and note cards. Instead of repeating this to his mom, H said, "She says she wants an expensive gift card." Later, when I told H again that I really did want some stationery, he yelled at me, "Don't waste your Christmases!"

Stories That Entertain Only Me

Hey. What's up? Not much here. Just writing about scooters, vacation, and fall.

I'm not sure why that cracks me up, but it does.

So anyway, I was talking to Stefanie today (and by talking, I mean I wrote her an e-mail to which she responded, "Quit stalking me, you freak") about the apparent fact that we look alike. When we met, we laughed at how we have similar glasses, and Stefanie said that I looked kind of like her younger sister. She took this picture of us when we met, and she received several comments saying we look alike. Then H met her this weekend, and H said that I look more like Stefanie than I look like my own sister. I have met my [taller] doppelganger! Except Stefanie and I don't really think we look that much alike.

In college, I hung out with a group of friends that included this tall, skinny, blonde guy that I will call Harold [not his real name]. One time at a party, my friends and I saw Harold on the other side of the house, so we yelled, "HAROLD!" He didn't even look over at us. So we went over to him, and when we got within a few feet of him, we realized it was not Harold. It was Harold's doppelganger, who we called Pseudo-Harold. So we chatted with Pseudo, and it turns out that Pseudo had an apartment near mine and was friends with a guy who I hung out with a few times. My roommate even started dating Pseudo. All of Harold's friends who met Pseudo were amazed at how similar the two looked. We told Harold and Pseudo about each other, but they kept narrowly missing meeting each other. Finally, we had a party at our apartment that both Harold and Pseudo attended. They could not believe we thought they looked alike. Seriously, they saw no resemblance whatsoever. When they went to shake hands, one of my friends yelled out, "Nooooooooo! Matter and anti-matter must never touch!"

And that was funny only to me, but that is ok.

Tis the Season (of Fake Christmas Trees)

Not that you care, but as promised, I have pictures of my tree skirt and Christmas tree. I purchased the tree skirt at the No Coast Craft-o-Rama, but the seller has a website, if you are interested.


For some reason, I am totally in love with this tree skirt. Probably more than is normal. I also loved the one described here as "My Favorite Tree Skirt" (scroll down), but H thought it was too girly.

Anyway, here is our tree.


H and I are very proud of it and our red and gold theme. It is just a fake Christmas tree (from Target), but it makes us happy.

Another random thing about which I am excited is the Google feed reader. I have now listed all the blogs I read on this Google reader. If you already have a Google or gmail account, then you have access to the reader. (From gmail, you select "Other Services" at the top left, and then select "Reader.") It is supposedly more accurate than bloglines. We shall see.

Things about which I am not excited include the freaking cold weather and going back to work tomorrow although I don't feel that much better.

What is making you happy today?

Being Sick Makes Me Boring

People at my office rarely, if ever, take sick days. It is so strange to me. If you are sick, you should stay home. So I am at home today because I went to work all last week with my hacking cough and blazing forehead, and I am just not getting better. Yesterday, I woke up, went to church, came home and slept for three hours, ran some errands, slept 8 more errors, and still felt like death warmed over this morning, so here I am at home today. I have done 18 minutes of work today so far, and I think that is going to be all. I think what will really make me feel better is watching the first DVD of Project Runway Season 1 (which I have never seen before) and drinking Cranapple on the couch while admiring our new Christmas tree.

That is right. For the first time, H and I have a Christmas tree, and it looks pretty darn good. I will post some pictures tonight so that you can all be jealous. You will be especially jealous of the tree skirt, which I bought at the No Coast Craft show, where I met up with Stefanie, who got to meet H for the first time. [I really love prepositions when I am sick.]

I was feeling a little better Friday night and Saturday. H and I went to a friend's house on Friday night, where I served my Better Than Sex cake (alternate title: Better-Than-Sex-With-Anyone-But-H Cake)(recipe by Guinness Girl). And Saturday night, we went out to dinner with some friends in St. Paul. So I may not be as popular as Stefanie, who knows everyone in the city of Minneapolis, but I did have a good weekend.

Liar, Liar

When I was six years old and in the first grade, I used to love reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder books, Trixie Belden books, and the Bobbsey Twins books. So did a friend of mine in my class. Except the friend would carry around a book with her almost all the time, and I remember being with her several times when adults would make comments about how smart she was for reading chapter books at that age. And I would think - Hey, I read those books too! Where are my compliments?

My friend also got a lot of attention around this time of year. Her dad was Jewish, and her mom was Christian. We had to watch these film strips in school about Hannukah and Christmas, and my friend would brag about how she got to celebrate both holidays. So when we had to make a little holiday mobile to hang above our desk, I decorated one side of my mobile with "Merry Christmas" and the other side with "Happy Hannukah." Then I told everyone that my dad was Jewish and my mom was Christian and we celebrated both holidays. Need attention much?

My mom found out about my lies. She asked me, "Do you know what religion Dad is?" I said, "Yes, he is Lutheran." And that was the end of the conversation It was never mentioned again. So apparently my mom thought I was just so dumb that either I thought my dad was Jewish or I didn't know the difference between being Lutheran and Jewish. Or my mom just thought I was a liar and decided to accept it. Perhaps she was thinking of the time in kindergarten that I forged my mom's signature on my report card because I was too embarrassed to show her that I got a Not Satisfactory in shoe-tying. As though my mom didn't already know that I didn't know how to tie my shoes? And no one would be able to tell the difference between the handwriting of a kindergartner attempting cursive for the first time and the handwriting of my mom? Obviously, I was a child genius.

My 200th Post!

Thirteen Things I Worry About But Shouldn't

1. What should I bring to H's friend's get-together on Friday?
2. Well, I am already planning on bringing a bottle of Boone's Farm (no, I'm serious; I owe him a bottle), but what besides that?
3. Where can I buy non-itchy pantyhose that is inexpensive? Target stopped selling normal brand pantyhose, and I don't want to go to a department store because it will be too expensive and I will probably get a run in the hose the first time I wear it.
4. When am I finally going to get my two new pairs of pants hemmed? Will my tailor lady remember that I made an appointment over a month ago and then forgot to show up? Will she be pissed?
5. What should I wear for my couple-date on Saturday night?
6. What if H says something weird and then the female half of the couple is scared to hang out with me at work? I only have two friends at work; I can't afford to lose one! (Ok, I do actually have a bunch of friendly acquaintances, but only two people I call to complain to or to get coffee with.)
7. What if I say something weird and then the female half of the couple is scared to hang out with me at work? (By the way, neither H nor I work with the male half of the couple.)
8. When am I going to finish my Christmas shopping?
9. What should I get my dad, H's dad, and my mom's s.o.? I thought of something good last night for one of them, but I have already forgotten both the item and which male it was for.
10. What if I run into my ex-friend at the No Coast Craft-o-Rama?
11. Can I afford to order new contacts this month so that I don't have to wear my glasses every day?
12. Should I add more blogs to my sidebar? There are blogs I should add - Jay Are's blog, LC's blog, and Janet's blog - but I don't want to end up with hundreds of links. And I am lazy.
13. How jealous are the neighbors going to be of our new, giant, awesome snowblower/freedom fighter?

The Blog Tour Continues

Meeting two bloggers in the last five days was not enough. So tonight I met Stefanie. She actually lives in the Twin Cities and was kind of enough to meet me at a restaurant close to my work and bus stop, so I didn't even have to drive to see her. I was tired from working all day, and my hair was doing some wacky things (i.e. sticking out yet also laying totally flat against my head- a complicated hair maneuver), but I think it was fun. I was kind of boring, but I am more fun on the weekends, I swear. I will definitely invite Stefanie out to try some Guitar Hero. Or perhaps something more normal. I do have other interests besides Guitar Hero. Such as... ummm... drinking? Eating? Reading books? Oil painting?

Stefanie mentioned tonight that posting every day this month has been interesting because normally she makes sure a post is perfect (aka decent and interesting) before she publishes it on her blog. I don't usually even proofread a post before I put it on my blog. But usually the posts that I think about not publishing (usually the dorkiest and most embarrassing ones) are the ones that get the most comments. I just write whatever I am thinking, and then let the whole world see it. So there you go. Kind of weird, now that I think about it.

I Was In A Car With H For Twelve Hours And We Both Survived

We have done a lot of driving since Wednesday evening.

First, we got to meet Grumpy Frump at a secret location. Maybe it was on our way to my family's house. Maybe we had to drive hours out of our way, but we think Grumpy Frump is worth it. Wouldn't you like to know? I won't tell. But I will reveal one secret. Grumpy Frump's real name is Gertrude Frumpensteen. Here is a picture of GF and me:

Click on the picture to see it, and then use the back button to get back to my riveting stories.
You can't really tell from the picture, but GF is very cute. She also has amazing hair (which was so amazing, apparently, it could not be depicted in my picture). She is also really funny and very friendly, and I really liked her. I didn't think she was grumpy or frumpy at all! GF also had to meet H since he was driving with me, and she was very nice about it and didn't say, "Why did you bring that super tall man with you?" H liked GF as much as I did.

We had a great Thanksgiving meal with my family. My mom is such a terrific cook, and she really enjoys cooking. I wish I had inherited some of that, but instead, I make a lot of spaghetti. Not on Thanksgiving Day. Just in general.

I went shopping with my mom and sister, and later with my mom and H. We had a good time, but I still don't know what to get my mom and sister for Christmas. I finally gave my sister her birthday present (only two months late- gah!), and she seemed to really like it. I gave her two cd collections of stories from This American Life. My sister has a lot of driving coming up, so the cds will give her something to entertain herself while driving through the middle of nowhere, on her way to take her boards to become a veterinarian. I can't even spell vet, and my sister is smart enough to pass the boards. Geez.

H and I also got to go to a college basketball game. I LOVE LOVE LOVE college basketball, so I was excited to see the game.



I loved being a part of the sea of blue.
Obviously, I am not much of a sportswriter. So my summary is: the game was awesome. My team won, which made the game even more awesome. The end.

After the game, H and I met up with Nat. Once again, H came along with me. After he met GF and really liked her, he was excited to meet another blogger. Warning to any bloggers I may meet up with in the future: I suck at arranging meet-ups. I changed the time on Nat several times, and then I showed up at the wrong place. Excellent! After I called Nat and she realized that I am mentally challenged, she drove over to where I was, and I am so glad she did. She is hilarious. And very cute. I had a really fun time. H also really liked her. Nat's account of our meeting is here. There is also a picture that proves how cute she is and that neither of us are pervy old men.

So everything was really fun, but the most surprising part of the weekend was that H and I made it back to Minnesota in one piece. Twelve hours is a long time to spend in the car with someone. Especially with someone like me who takes pictures to entertain herself.

I kind of want to live in Beebeetown, just so I can say that I live in Beebeetown.

[picture has been removed]
H pondering some deep thoughts.

[picture has been removed]
Aren't you glad you don't have to take car trips with me?

[picture has been removed]

I Am Also Thankful for Robot Movies

So it is late, and I want to go to bed because I just finished some really, really boring work and I am tired and H is like, "COME TO BED ALREADY," but I am not going to be able to post again for several days, so I must get one more post out before I go. I like to think you care and would miss it if I didn't post, but in reality, you are probably thinking, "Eh." Or you could be thinking, "What does it mean when a guy says don't call me I'll call you?" because that is the exact search phrase someone just used to find my blog. And, dear searcher, it means that you should not call him, and he is not going to call you. No one really says this though, I hope. But then why is someone searching for this? I don't know. Where was I? Oh, NOWHERE BECAUSE I AM JUST BABBLING.

It's almost Thanksgiving so I should probably talk about things for which I am thankful.

I am thankful that I was not involved in the horrible accident I witnessed this morning. There was only one car in between me and a dump truck that went crazy and dumped an entire truckful of sand into the middle of the street while taking out a street light and the entire metal post and arm connected to the light.

I am thankful that I will get to spend time with my mom, her s.o., my sister, and H this weekend.

I am thankful that Jenny introduced me to beergaritas.

I am thankful for all the comments on my blog.

I am thankful for wonderful friends like the Gopester who reads my blog but doesn't comment. (Secret note for G: a certain high school coach never did contact me though he apparently stalks you on the internet. How rude!)

I am thankful for my job.

I am thankful for free tickets to a really fun college basketball game this weekend.

I am thankful for Diet Dr Pepper. And regular Dr Pepper. But not Caffeine Free Diet Dr Pepper.

I am thankful that the Holiday House is decorating for Christmas this year! Already there are lights up, and there is a little fence-type thing made of giant plastic candy canes.

For what are you thankful?

Word of Mouth

I forgot to bring a book with me today. So I wrote this entry by hand on the bus to kill time. Speaking of killing time on a commute, I need to come up with some ways to entertain myself on my Thanksgiving car ride. I forgot to check out some books on cd from the library this weekend. I enjoy listening to books on cd on long car drives because it makes the time go so much faster, and I don't get tired of it as quickly as I do singing along to music (because I can't just listen - I must sing).

CDs I Have Checked Out of the Library for Long Car Rides

1. Harry Potter books- H and I enjoyed listning to several of these. I would not describe myself as an HP fan, but this is good car material. One time I was embarrassed to check out the cds, so I made up a story for the librarian about how I was taking a long car ride with my niece. I am sure that 1) the librarian didn't care why I was checking out the cds and 2) she didn't believe a word of my story.

2. Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell- I had already read the book, but I checked out the cds anyway because I love the way Sarah Vowell reads. She did not disappoint.

3. a Mary Higgins Clark mystery- I am not into mysteries, but I thought it might be good for the car. But I have no idea whether the story was any good because H and I could not stop laughing at the reader. He affected a crazy vaudeville voice so that it was like listening to a bad spoof of a 1920s radio show. Bad.

4. a collection of This American Life stories- Some made me laugh so hard I cried, and some just made me cry. Really good but not recommended for public transportation. (I was alone in my car, so it was ok.)

5. Car Talk cds- H says only 50+ year old men love Car Talk. So Nat and I should have at least one thing in common because I freaking love Car Talk. H acts all annoyed by the Car Talk guys, but I think he secretly loves the show.

6. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants- Awesome. I will not tell you whether H and I repeatedly rewound to a certain part to figure out whether Bridget lost her virginity to the soccer coach guy. (She did.) And when the cancer girl died, we may or may not both have been quite teary.

Actually, I Was the Winner Last Time We Played Trivial Pursuit

H sings along to the song playing in the sporting goods store.

Me: I can't believe you know this song.

H: Haven't you ever seen Short Circuit?

Me: Yes, once in the fourth grade.

H: That's no excuse. This is the theme song from the movie.

Our Friend Who Is Shopping With Us: Is the first Short Circuit the one where he gets gold-plated?

H: Nickel-plated.

Friend: Now I understand why I lost to you in Trivial Pursuit.

H: I can't remember anything useful, but I know the name of the actor who played Grandpa Munster.

Me: I love you, you freak.

Saturday, In the Park, I Think It Was November 18th

H went to the Minnesota/Iowa game today. He came home and is now watching Ohio State/Michigan. I told him I want to play Guitar Hero II, but he said I have to wait until after the football game. Boo. One football game per day should be enough.

H had a fun time at the Minnesota game, especially since Minnesota won both the game and Floyd of Rosedale. Minnesota's football team must have more rivalries than any other team because it seems like every Big 10 game Minnesota plays involves a weird trophy. Today the trophy was a bronze pig named Floyd of Rosedale. There is also the Little Brown Jug (Michigan), Paul Bunyan's Axe (Wisconsin), and the Governor's Victory Bell (Penn State).

I just went downstairs to do some research on the subject of these rivalries (i.e., ask H why Minnesota is so weird), and H is asleep on the couch. But I am sure that if I turned the channel he would wake up and be pissed because he is watching the game, dagnabbit! (Haven't I mentioned that H is an 1890s prospector?)

***

Nat has asked me: Don't be embarrassed, R! I'm sure that when you initially realize that I am a 50 year old man with an overbite, it will be scary. But then we will still be friends and drink coffee. Right?

Right, Nat. Don't call me; I'll call you.

***

This new blogger beta thing lets you label posts, which I like. At the bottom of each post, it says, "Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall." Scooters? Seriously?

***

Most importantly, the beergaritas were excellent!

Boots, Bags, Ridiculous Make-Up-Induced Paranoia, and Beergaritas

Since you asked, I shall provide a link to the boots I bought in black. I also bought the matching bag in black. Then I can wear the boots when I walk to the bus, while carrying my dress shoes in my matching bag. It is going to be so sweet! Umm, ok, it is not really not that exciting, but it will be better than last year when I had to shovel my driveway in sneakers or in my nice dressy boots. So the nice dressy boots are actually from Target and only cost $20; let's not get so picky here.

In other product news, I bought the Bare Escentuals foundation this weekend, based on a recommendation from Red. I think it is pretty good, but since I haven't worn any foundation since I was probably 15 years old, I am not really an expert on these things. I will say that I think it evens out my skin tone and the blush makes me look less zombie-like. I bought the makeup at Sephora, but did you know the Mall of America has a store that sells nothing but Bare Escentuals? It does; it is called Face. And there was a huge freaking line all the way out the door of the store.

So speaking of makeup, there was a girl I went to junior high school and high school with who looked like this for all of 8th grade through 10th grade.






For some reason you have to click on the picture to see it, and then hit back to get back to my blog.

Note the different colored neck and face as well as the perfectly circular areas of extremely bright blush. My friend who is the last person to ever say anything bad about anyone used to call this girl Clown Girl. I would realize if I looked like that, right? Because this girl looked like a clown for THREE YEARS without realizing it. Stefanie, you have to tell me if I look like that girl, ok?

Finally, in other news, we are having a Guitar Hero party tomorrow night. H has invited his friends over to rock out with Guitar Hero II, which we do not own, but I assume someone else is bringing. This time, I will be supplementing the Guitar Hero with some beergaritas!

I'm So Excited!

So, how's it going? Good? That's nice. Sorry about not posting yesterday. I was in a really bad mood, and when I tried to write, the bad mood filled the page, and it was bad. Therefore, I did not write anything, and I am feeling much better today.

Thirteen Exclamations for Today

1. I got some (snow) boots in the mail!
2. And a bag that matches!
3. I am wearing the boots right now because I love them!
4. And because I am a nerd!
5. I am going to meet Stefanie soon (in a couple of weeks)!
6. I am also going to meet Grumpy Frump and Nat!
7. I am on a freakish internet-meeting streak!
8. I am kind of embarassed to admit that I am meeting People From The Internet!
9. Just like I am kind of embarassed that I have a blog!
10. I should embrace my Internet Nerdery!
11. Not that you are a nerd! I was only referring to myself and my nerdy ways! You are very cool! And popular! You are like a combination of George Clooney and a young Audrey Hepburn!
12. I have been really busy at work, so I have been drinking a lot of coffee, and coffee makes me really hyper! I bet you could have never guessed that!
13. I think I accidentally checked out a romance book from the library! I would have realized this if I had looked at the back cover, but instead I realized it when I started reading it on the bus and came across sentences such as [opening to a random page], "A blond brow lifted, and she gave him another penetrating look," and [looking for one of many weird romance passages], "Slowly his kisses became more languorous until finally his lips settled on the feminine core of her and lingered there." EW!
But anyway, check out the back cover!

Sign Language

Another attorney and I participated in a conference call with some clients today. The attorney was not someone who I had worked with before, so I am not used to her style. During our conference call, the attorney made many odd hand gestures that I can only describe as:

traveling
around the world
the fish was this big
climbing a ladder
emphatic pointing
riding the wave
rolling with my homeys
spirit fingers

I have no idea what any of those gestures meant. Even the pointing. OMG, the pointing. At what was she pointing? And why was she so emphatic about it?

She was trying to communicate with me through these gestures, but I could only stare at her blankly. There was one set of gestures that she repeated several times in a row.

I just stared.

She repeated the gestures more emphatically.

I blinked.

She gestured again and then mouthed, "Ask him."

"You want me to ask who what?" I whispered.

She whispered, "Write this down and ask him."

I realized that she meant I was supposed to write down what the client was saying and then ask the senior partner about the issue. Unfortunately, by then the client had moved on to another subject and I had missed the entire discussion because I was trying to translate weird hand signals, so I just wrote down in my notes, "Ask Partner something about the agreement," so that it looked like I was writing down something important.

I had to follow up with the client later, so I was able to figure out the issue that I had missed in the call, so it all worked out ok. Except I am scared to ever be on a call with this woman again. Who knows what else she was signalling to me.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

I used to work with a woman who was about my age. We became friends and ate lunch together every day. We would talk about our bosses, our assistants, our boyfriends, our families, and more. We found that we had a lot of things in common, and I really enjoyed spending my lunch hour with her.

The more we got to know each other, the more negative she became. She started looking for a new job, and whenever she had a job interview, she would tell me that the interview went horribly and that the job was bad and she probably didn't want it anyway. She told me her boyfriend was probably going to break up with her at any moment. She told me that she had to live her life in a very specific way or her parents would hate her forever. She told me she hated her house and wanted to move. She told me that she hated the city where we lived. Essentially, she hated everything.

My diploma was on the wall in my office. There was a notation on my diploma to show I graduated summa cum laude. She told me that her school was soooo much better than mine, and her school didn't just give summa cum laude away to everyone like my school did. I told her that in my graduating class, only 5 people graduated summa cum laude. That shut her up. For about a minute. She basically told me that because my school was not as good as hers, I didn't deserve my job.

When I was ready to move on to a new job and started getting job interviews, she would tell me that all the companies that wanted to interview me were horrible places to work. And then when I got a job, she told me that my schedule would be terrible and I probably wouldn't like the company. She gave me the least sincere, "That's great," I have ever heard.

I realized that I dreaded going to lunch with my "friend," and that every day when I came back from lunch, I was seriously depressed. I didn't want to tell her that she was making me want to stab myself in eye with a fork, so I just started telling her that I didn't have time for a lunch break. Eventually, she got the message and left me alone. Maybe that is mean, but I don't feel bad about it, and I felt like a weight had been lifted after I stopped spending time with her. If I had to deal with the situation again, I would do the same thing.

Strangers on the Light Rail

Last night, I took the light rail home from work. When I got on the train, I sat in the front car. There was a guy across the aisle from me who looked about 17. He quietly asked, "Excuse me, but do you have a cell phone I could borrow to make one call?" He could have run off the train with my phone or even just continued to sit there for the rest of the trip but refused to give back my phone, and what was I going to do about it? Nothing. So I smiled politely and said no.

As the train started moving, I thought, "Oh no! What if someone calls me? The guy will hear my phone ringing. Awkward!"

Then we reached the next stop. I realized that the problem was not going to be that someone might call me. The problem was going to be that I needed to call H when we got to the next stop to tell him to come pick me up at the usual light rail station. I just told the guy I don't have a phone. I think he might notice I lied to him when I take out my phone and use it. Should I get up and move to another car? Should I just use my phone and hope the guy is not a crazy person who is going to freak out? He seems pretty normal. Shoot. The guy is now using his chest as a drum and thumping his chest to a beat. Is he crazy or just a bored teenager? Maybe he will get out at the next stop. Ok, he didn't get off. I will give him one more stop while I pretend to read my book. Ok, he didn't get off at this stop either. Screw it, I'm using my phone.

So I called H. I didn't look over to gauge the reaction of the guy or look at him for the rest of the trip. When we got off my stop, H wasn't there yet. I turned around to make sure the guy didn't follow me off the train. He didn't. So I waited in a little shelter next to a woman about my age who was also waiting for a ride. We had some polite weather conversation and then I told her my story about the awkwardness on the train. I don't know why I really even have a blog, because I just tell people all these stories anyway.

It's Still Thursday

I am so embarrassed. Someone (in Germany) googled "queen of the dorks" and found my blog. My blog is in the top 5 for that search. Why can't I be in the top 5 for something much cooler? For my Thursday Thirteen, I am listing thirteen search terms I wish would lead people to my blog.

1. -R- is awesome
2. hilarious blog
3. OMG she should totally be an author or something because she is such a good writer
4. What up bizatch
5. Taylor Pancake (I actually am #5 in this search, and I know so because I get several searches per week looking for ol' Mr. Pancake)
6. I wish H were my husband
7. husband powers activate (I am #10 in this search!)
8. u r so hott (just to mix it up a bit)
9. perfect shoes
10. having Veterans Day off is for suckas and government employees
11. non-gangsta awards (I am #1, baby!)
12. seven inch zipper
13. my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon

Represent

I voted. And I even got a sticker.

H and I have stayed up late to watch election results. But I can only watch the pundits say the same things so many times, so now I am going to bed.

H's mom wants us to go on an H family trip next summer. I am anti-H-family-trip, whereas H likes to remain silent when the topic comes up. So it is left to me to come up with excuses as to why we can't go. Fun times. Maybe I will tell H's mom that I am too busy with my oil painting and studying of the American revolution.

And now a message from H himself:
this is h, i rule, repubs suck, that is all

He is so eloquent. Swoon.

Yo

H grew up on a farm. And yet, we have so many older pictures of H in which he is making pseudo-gang signs. H has a law degree, is white, and currently lives really far out in the suburbs. He is as non-gangsta as someone can possibly be. Besides H's brother. If there were a Non-Gangsta Award, H's brother would win it. Although, I am sure I would be in the top 10 for making up something called the Non-Gangsta Award. That is pretty non-gangsta of me.


So what is with my blog today? I know it exists, and yet, I cannot see it. Are you there, blog? It's me, Margaret. I am hoping the mystery of the disappearing blog is why my stats are so low today. Otherwise, you all hate me, and that is just mean. I can tell how many people look at my blog each day. Today, the number was about 1/8 of the usual number. Come back, everyone! I am boring, but I am here! Feel free to make suggestions for what I should blog about during this month of Blogging Every Day That I Have Internet Access, Even If That Means I Have to Write Posts That Kind of Insult (But Not Really) My Brother-In-Law.

PS Go tell Lawyerish how amazing she is for running the NYC marathon on Sunday!

The In Crowd

I think I went to the most annoying Starbucks ever today. My fellow patrons were pretty ridiculous. In one corner, we had two 40-ish women discussing how friendly they could be with men without "leading them on." They decided it was inappropriate for either of them to be alone with a man because "who knows what could happen." In another corner, a 19-ish student was trying to get the guy she was with to take her to dinner. She would talk about her boyfriend in the first half of a sentence, and then put her hand on the guy's hand and say, "I'm just SO hungry, but I can't afford to eat at a restaurant tonight." The guy ended up leaving without her, and then she called someone else and invited him or her to dinner. Then there was teenage boy in the porkpie hat, trying to impress an incredibly stupid teenage girl. One of the amazing facts he used to impress the girl was that he realized a few weeks ago that he and his three brothers all have names that start with the letter J. I wish I were exaggerating. Finally, we have the Russian 30-year-old and her mother. The mother wore salmon-colored capri pants with black pantyhose and black slippers. The daughter wore black high-heeled ankle boots, white tube socks, gray capri leggings under a super-short denim mini-skirt, a white t-shirt with gold leggings, and a denim jacket that only covered her shoulders and chest. I realize that I should not exactly be making fun of anyone's fashion choices, but I think my Mom Pants are the height of fashion in comparison to these ladies' outfits. So obviously, I was really productive today.

Must Get Pants Off Top of Blog

I checked out a laptop from work so that I could work yesterday while H was doing conference stuff. But the wireless connection at the hotel was weak or slow, or my laptop is defective, and I couldn't get on my company's network. So now while H and our friend go to a movie, I have to do some work. Boo.

London Calling

I have a problem. I get crushes on men with British or Irish accents. Not all men with those accents. H's uncle, for example, is a British man that I don't have a crush on because that would just be weird. [H just read this and asked to which uncle I am referring. Umm... THE BRITISH ONE.] But dudes my age with all their teeth... aw, yeah. [H's uncle has all his teeth, as far as I know. He is just H's uncle, which is somehow incestuous even though he is not related to H or me by blood, and anyway, I am just ending this bracket now.]

It is my dream that someday, the head partner guy at work will come into my office and say, "-R-, we have this really important project in London that only you can do, so we are sending you to London for six months. You will have to work up to six hours a day, and have the rest of your day for sightseeing. And we will pay for H to go with you." It is going to be marvelous!

But anyway, today this guy from London was visiting our firm, and a guy I worked with asked if I wanted to go to lunch with the Londoner and him. My answer was, "YESSSSSSSSSS.......... Damn I have a stupid conference call at noon. NOOOOOOOOOO!"

It is probably a good thing that I couldn't attend the lunch and fall in crush with the Londoner though. This is what I was wearing today:


A red v-neck sweater and black pants. The outfit appears decent from afar.


But check this out:

'Tis my secret shame. The fly on these pants is SEVEN. INCHES. LONG. OMG.Do you think this is the "London Bridge" Fergies refers to in her song? And if so, why does she have pants with a seven-inch zipper?

I bought these pants at least 6 years ago and then never got them hemmed, so I couldn't wear them. I finally got them hemmed, and now I realize that they have the hugest crotch ever. OMG. But I must wear them anyway because they were expensive, and I have had them for six years and moved them to 3 different houses. I must get my money's worth. However, I don't think London Dude needs to see them.

My Bad List - Another Thursday Thirteen

Twice last week I had to stand for the entire bus ride to work. This week I had to stand once. I never realized how lurchy the bus was before. Let me reassure you that it is very lurchy, and I almost fell over multiple times. I was telling H about it, and he was upset that no one had offered their seat to me. At the time, it hadn't even occurred to me that someone might offer their seat to me. It was my fault that I didn't get to the bus stop earlier, so I didn't feel like anyone should get up for me.

This morning, I got the last seat on the bus. Yes! The last seat was in the middle of a little bench that can hold three people, but the girl on the left was taking up more than her fair share of the bench. She was not physically large, she was just sitting across two seats. I didn't care that she obviously did not want to make room for me because I was not going to stand again. I just smushed myself between the girl and some older guy and pulled out my book. I was very close to the older guy on my right, but I didn't care because I was sitting! I admit that I was thinking mean things about the girl for sitting awkwardly on the bench.

The bus hadn't started moving yet when the rude girl stood up. She gave her seat to a little old lady who had gotten on the bus at the last minute. I kind of felt bad for thinking mean things about Takes-Up-Two-Seats Girl, but then I decided that it was still rude of her to not make room for me, even if she did give up her seat for the older woman.

H and I had an argument about a guy we both know. Neither of us can stand the guy, but H said that even if the guy found the solution for peace in the Middle East, I would still hate the guy. And that is true. First, this guy does not ever do things for anyone else, so he would only create peace in the Middle East if he was going to make a lot of money off of it. Second, you can be a horrible person and still do the occasional good thing.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. I have talked about this issue before, but I am obviously still working on it. I am definitely too judgmental about people. In my book, you are either good or bad. There is not a lot of room for in-between.

Here are some things you can do to get on my bad list (or things you can avoid to stay on my good list):

1. Intentionally hurt other people
2. Intentionally hurt animals
3. Be a bigot
4. Lie to make me look bad in front of other people
5. Be good friends with someone who you know does any of 1 through 4
6. Tell me how many calories are in something I'm eating
7. Act like all people who watch television are stupid
8. Enjoy "Two and a Half Men"
9. Think Christian Bale is not hot
10. Not laugh at my hilarious jokes
11. Be negative all the freaking time until I have to have a "friendship breakup"
12. Bring white chocolate peanut butter cups to work and trick me into eating one (and by "trick me into eating one" I mean "not put up a big sign that says THESE ARE GROSS! DON'T EAT THEM!")
13. Put on makeup while driving

Obviously, some of these items are only minor infractions (#8), while some are very serious and mean we can never be friends (#9). What would be on your list?

It's November, And I'll Cry If I Want To

So lots of people are signing up for this Post Every Day in November Event. I considered it, but I can already think of several days during which I will not have access to either a computer or the internet. Shocking, I know. (H and I always say, "Interesting if true.") This weekend I am accompanying H to a work conference, and for Thanksgiving, we are traveling to my mom's house. I am a little nervous about the conference. H is going to know a ton of people, and I shall know about five. And, knowing me, I will probably only remember two of their names when I see them. Also, lots of drinking will be involved, which brings the likelihood of me saying potentially bizarre things up quite a bit. Good times will be had by all, I am sure. Thanksgiving, on the other hand, I am not worried about. I am looking forward to several types of potatoes, turkey, and most of all, stuffing. And pie. My mom makes everything from scratch, and it is amazing. The only problem spot will be keeping H entertained, so we will hopefully be able to meet up with some of our (read: my) friends who live in town or who will be visiting their parents. H can only take so much time cooped up in the house with my mom and her significant other (I forget what we decided to call him), which I completely understand, considering that is exactly how I feel when I am trapped at the H Family Farm.

So you guys really care about my travel plans for November, right? I hope so.

Anyway, I am going to try to write a post every day that I have access to a computer and the internet, so it will be like my own little version of the Write Every Day Thing. I shall call it "Write Every Day That You Can... Even If You End Up Writing Posts About Whether H Likes Staying At Your Mother's House Or Not."

A Halloween Tale... of Horror!

My sister thought it was going to be a special day ... [cue ominous music] but she did not realize just how "special" it would be.

The morning bore great promise for my sister.

She received her white coat and posed for pictures with her class.

Seriously, you guys, I am such a great photographer. I don't know why the school didn't pay me for these shots. Look how artfully I captured this guy's right shoulder.


She posed for happy family pictures.

First with my mom (and me).
[picture to be edited and added back when blogger stops hating me]

Then with my dad (and uncle and cousin and me).
[picture to be edited and added back when blogger stops hating me]


We drove safely past some really boring stuff.


And past the dangerous farm implements.



She thought she was safe.

But then we got to our destination, and my sister realized what was in store for her.



She fought a brave fight.



For a moment, she thought she might even win.



But in the epic struggle of cat versus eyeballs, the cat always wins.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!



Disclaimer: No cats or eyeballs were harmed in the making of "A Halloween Tale... of Horror!" Ellipses have been used to create drama but do not guarantee that the reader will actually enjoy this post. Past performance is no guarantee of future results. Before using this product, please consult a medical doctor. The author does not warrant or assume any legal liability or responsibility for the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information disclosed.

Sunday Ramblings

I want to post something for you to read, but I am not feeling well, and staring at the monitor is making me kind of dizzy. This is not good. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow or work will be quite unpleasant.

So H and I have decided that this is the week that we are actually going to start getting up early and working out before going to work. I am optimistic that we can do it. Of course, I am optimistic every week when we make these same plans.

We bought Christmas presents for 5 of the 7 nieces and nephew today. Now we just have to get something for the other 2, my sister, my parents, and H's parents. Do you buy your parents presents for Christmas or Hannukah? If so, what do you usually get them. For my dad, I usually get a gift certificate or something golf-related. Last year, we got my mom and H's parents movie baskets, with a couple of DVDs, popcorn, movie candy, and a bottle of wine. But I have no idea what to get this year. This should not be a surprise since I can't even decide what to ask for myself.

Ok, I have to go do some laundry now. Damn, my life is so thrilling.

PS The Holiday House now has a giant inflatable dragon set up in the driveway.

Tour of the City

Whenever television covers something in Minneapolis, you see certain images.


the Spoonbridge and Cherry



the Minneapolis Skyline



Maybe even the Basilica


But there are some things you don't get to see.


Minnehaha Falls- a waterfall that is basically right in the middle of Minneapolis, about five to ten minutes from the Metrodome and downtown


crazy guy who climbed up under the waterfall



the famous Minneapolis bowling alley



Bunny on a Bell, which is right next to the Spoonbridge and Cherry



H on One Leg, one of the best looking statues in Minneapolis, in my opinion


I think that the next time I have to tell someone my hobbies, I am going to say I am a sculptor. Doesn't that sound impressive and artsy?

Also, I didn't mention this in my thirteen things in the last post, but I used to come home from interviews and tell H about the weird things I said, and he would always freak the heck out. Like somehow the interviewer would find out that I am not an impressionistic painter and hate me forever. (I was honest about everything else, I swear! I just think asking about hobbies is dumb and doesn't tell you whether I would be a good lawyer or not.) I actually got job offers from the interviews in which I said I was an oil painter and an American Revolution buff. But not from the one in which I talked about how awesome Change of Heart is. That interviewer must have been a Blind Date fan.

Surprisingly, I Am Actually Employed

Thirteen Weird Things I Have Done as an Interviewer or Interviewee:

1. When asked about my hobbies, I said I was really into oil painting.
2. When pressed further, I claimed that my specialty was Impressionist-style painting.
3. I have never oil painted in my life. Or done any kind of painting, other than in elementary or middle school.
4. When asked about my hobbies in another interview, I professed a love for books on American history.
5. When the interviewer said that he was really into the Civil War, I said that I was really into the American Revolution.
6. When I was interviewing someone, I told them about how I used to make up hobbies when I was the interviewee.
7. I think the candidate thought that was weird.
8. As an interviewer, I ordered a Tom Collins (gin, lemon juice, club soda) at lunch.
9. Luckily the waiter saved me and said, "Remind me what the ingredients are?" And when I said lemonade and iced tea, he said, "I think that's an Arnold Palmer." Thank you!
10. I talked about "Blind Date" and "Change of Heart."
11. I said that "Change of Heart" was better.
12. Because it was. Hello- these people go on a date and slut it up and then have to decide whether to stay with their significant other who also just went on a date and slutted it up. They should ALWAYS have chosen Change of Heart, but they almost always chose Stay Together, and then my roommate and I would yell at them.
13. I may have used the word "slutty," but I really hope I didn't.

Not All Vegans Are Annoying

-R-: Two people at work both recommended a small restaurant in St. Paul called [name and link to website redacted because otherwise I know you would all stalk me]. The family that runs it actually owns two Italian restaurants, but my friends said that [the restaurant that was recommended] is more southern Italian food, while the other one is more northern Italian. They said it is really small, so you would have to make reservations. I will ask around to see if I can find any other recommendations.


Friend: Sweet, I'll have to check that out. Are we getting together tomorrow night for Lost? It will be the last time I will be able to until December due to next month's late shift.


-R-: We are planning on it tomorrow night.


Friend: dyno-mite!


-R-: Ok, J.J.


Friend: J.J.?


-R-: Isn't that the character who used to always say dyno-mite? I could be wrong though because remember how I said that I knew an annoying vegan named Corbin? His name is [Not-Corbin]. I don't know why I was thinking Corbin.


Friend: Because Corbin is an awesome name! I don't remember who said dy-no-mite, I just like throwing it out every once and a while. I had a friend in high school who told me about some character who used to say it, but I don't recall who it was. It could be J.J. - what was the show he was on?


-R-: It was called "Good Times" and a young Janet Jackson was on it. She played Penny, the girl who was abused by her mom and had a crush on J.J. and started following him around everywhere.


Friend: yep, that's it, Good Times. Way to go queen of popular culture!


-R-: That's how I got my job at my law firm. In the interview I was like, "Remember when Penny's mom burned her with an iron and then J.J. found out somehow and then I think J.J. (who was like 30 and still living with his family) reported the mom to CPS and then Penny came to live with J.J. and family even though they barely even knew each other?" And then the law firm was like, "Yes, we remember that. You're hired!"