I Am Sick

I think I have the 48-hour flu. H thinks I should not have eaten raw waffle batter. To H I say, whatever! Raw eggs are good for you! Yesterday was really bad, but I am starting to feel a little better now. And now I have the urge to eat raw batter just to spite H.

come get your wisdom

alyndabear said...
Okay.. let me see. My question for H, a generic relationship question which may or may not be related to me.
H, at the end of the year I am moving overseas to (finally) live together with my partner of five years, who has always wanted to propose while somewhere "different". My question is this, after I'm all settled in there and should no proposals be in sight, how long should I wait before mentioning it to him? Is very awkward, but after five years I am going slowly insane.
Felt so good to get it out there. ;)

Dear Alyndabear,

If you mention it, it is the same as asking him yourself. That is not your job. Patient people are easier to marry.


stefanie said...
Hmm. Questions for H. Should I cut my hair? I am bored with it, but I like that boring = low maintenance. Also, do you know anything about concrete? I have been ignoring rather large cracks in my garage floor for two years now. Should I be worried about those? (I thought I would ask you a stereotypically girly question and a stereotypically manly one. I didn't want to put H in a box and assume he was the go-to guy for only one or the other.)

Dear Stefanie,

-R- looks good with long hair. So you would look good with long hair. If you can see dirt in the cracks in your garage, it is time to patch. Use a patching cement that does not shrink or expand.

L Sass said...
Dear H, On a scale of 1-10, how awesome are products of a certain South Dakota-adjacent regoin of Minnesota?
Also, if you could be any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, which would you be and why? (I guess that's not really advice per se, but I feel that it would be educational.)

Dear L Sass,

What the hell are you talking about? On a scale of 1 to 10, that first question was a 1. I would be Michalengelo because he talked like he was stoned all the time.

abbersnail said...
Question for H:
If you and -R- both loved the same color of M&Ms particularly well, and if you purchased a giant bag of them, would you eat all of the color that you liked, save them for her, or split them?
I think that might be the dumbest question ever. Awesome.

Dear abbersnail,

What do you think?

sognatrice said...
Yesterday before my dog gave birth I had *a lot* of questions, but they've fallen by the wayside as the bitch pretty much did everything herself. Thank goodness!
So all I have right now is "Do you want a puppy?"
Cuz we gots puppies.

Dear sognatrice,

I have been begging for a puppy for two years. -R- won't allow it, because we are never home long enough to take proper care of it. Plus, one bitch in the house is plenty.

Barb said...
Question for H: Does loving Shaun of the Dead mean I'm old and lame?
How about the "up at o'dark-thirty and in bed by 8" thing?

Dear Barb,

No, cause I like Shaun of the Dead and I am awesome and so are you. As long as it is not on a weekend then that does not make you lame.

Matt said...
Question:
I went to the dentist the other day and was dutily informed that they need new xrays of my teeth. The lady then proceeded to drap a lead blanket over my chest, stuff my mouth with cotton, aim the xray thing at my saw and then quickly split the room. I asked her why she left the room and she said for safety.
My question is if it is so safe why must I wear a lead blanket and the dentist leave the room? And if it is not safe will this lead blanket really protect me as the ray gun was aimed point blank at my head.

Dear Matt,

Did you live under power lines as a kid? It is safe to get an xray every once in awhile. It is not safe to repeatedly be in the room while administering many xrays over several hours five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. So she leaves the room during every xray. Xrays can not penetrate lead, your brain is safe and tell the xray tech to not turn the machine up to 11, it seems you only have a couple of brain cells to spare.

nancypearlwannabe said...
Dear H,
What is the appropriate course of action if your co-worker has been calling you the wrong name for three years and you've never corrected her because she's old and you don't want to embarrass her? But it has now gotten so out of control that other co-workers are teasing you about it?
Thanks ever so much!
Best regards,
Sandy "NPW" Librarian

Dear nancypearlwannabe,

You need some one to solve this problem for you? Step one, walk up to the lady. Step two, tell lady your real name. Step three, be nice about it. Step four, rinse. Step five, repeat for necessary volume.

lizgwiz said...
H,
My car makes a kind of rattling, clackity noise only when I accelerate. I don't want to spend any more money on this aging car, so when I hear the noise, I usually just sing louder. Am I being really stupid? (I have roadside assistance, which probably gives me some sort of false comfort.)
Also, when a guy tells you over and over how beautiful your eyes are, is it because your eyes really are extraordinary, or because he can't think of anything else to compliment you on? ;)

Dear lizgwiz,

Does it happen when you have the ac/heat fans on? If it does you have a loose fan that is rubbing against something. It is not a big propblem, you can probably ignore it. With more information I could fix it. It means he wants you to put the lotion in the basket, or you have a problem with taking compliments.

Lara said...
Dear H,
What should I dress my dog as for Halloween? Also, did you and R decide not to move to Philadelphia? Boo to you, if so.
Thanks,
Lara ;)

Dear Lara,

What did the dog ever do to you? He is your pet, and not your punchline.

Noelle said...
Dear H,
Why do bad things happen to good people? And how can I make sure that bad things happen to the bad people who deserve it?

Dear Noelle,

Because good people can deal with bad things happening to them. Everyone gets what is coming to them, and wishing bad things on people may make you a bad person, so don't do it.

JayAre said...
Dear H,
If you found spiders in your kitchen cabinets, would you call an exterminator?
Also, which do you think is better, chicken fajitas or beef fajitas?
-JR

Dear JayAre,

No, unless it is a black widow or a brown recluse. If so move out and start a new life in a place without spiders. Roast Beef fajitas.

One Smart Cookie said...
Now, questions for H. Does your name really start with an H? If you could choose any name to be yours, what would you choose? What is your stripper name? And why did you say that you are like Ann Landers, when clearly Dear Abby is superior? What do you have against Dear Abby?

Dear One Smart Cookie,

No, mine, Diego South, because I am an anti-semite.

-R- said...
My question for H is: what should I tell my mom and my sister to get you for Christmas? Do not say an Xbox because that is never going to happen.

Dear -R-,

How bout a half used bottle of suntan lotion and t-shirts from outlet malls, again like last year.

Lawyerish said...
For H:
If you decided to become a rapper, what would you call yourself?
Also, if you could become world famous for one thing, what would it be?

Dear Lawyerish,

D.J. Scratchin' Fish. Most tacos eaten in five minutes.

Sarah said...
Dear H,
You look so hott in all of the pics that R posts of you. I mean, I don't know how you have any clothes left because I am sure da ladies tear them off the second you step outside. Be honest, how many boobs have you signed? In short, how does one harness such raw sex appeal?

Dear Sarah,

I have actually written my phone number on a chicks butt. However she did not call me. I should have written it backwards so she could check it in the mirror. Ask -R- about the harnessing.... if you know what I mean.

janet said...
H,
What does my husband want for Christmas?

Dear janet,

What every man wants. To be like me.

jen said...
I am so impressed by your mastery of Microsoft Paint and H's mastery of the sandwich that I am stumped for questions for H.
Except maybe (because I am sadly highly literal): what is your favorite sandwich and why?

Dear jen,

Ice cream sammich, because it is made from ice cream.

KM said...
Since H has not posted yet, can I still get in on 'Ask H'? If so, my question is: Has R changed at all since becoming a, what was it called? Blogebrity?

Dear KM,

She has a little more bounce in her step, and soon she will be in rehab with Britney and Lindsey.

That is all. Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question. Only stupid people that ask questions.

H

And the Winner Is...

Liz!

The correct answer to yesterday's quiz is that I am not intensely afraid of spiders. I am apparently not that great at coming up with lies, as many of you guessed correctly. To determine the winner, I wrote the names of all the correct guessers on scraps of paper, mixed up all the scraps, closed my eyes, and picked one.



Liz, e-mail me your address, and I will send you your prize!

In other news, I did not get home until a little before 10 pm tonight because Stefanie and I were busy meeting Crazy Aunt Purl. When I got home, H was already asleep! He normally goes to bed at 11 or 11:30, so I don't know what is going on, but I'm not going to wake him up and force him to write his guest post. Especially since I already woke him up to say, "Crazy Aunt Purl totally knew who I was, and she is fantastic, and I am a big dork who didn't know what to say to her! Aaaa!" H's response was, "What time is it? Is it morning?"

I think Stefanie is going to write more about meeting Laurie (aka Crazy Aunt Purl), so I won't write much more except that I need to add that Laurie was incredibly sweet and funny, and she said nice things to me, and I didn't know how to respond because I don't know what to do when people say nice things to me. Aargh. Anyway, the reading was great, and Laurie seems like she would be great fun to hang out with.

Take A Guess

Do not fret! H's post has been delayed, but just by one night. He just got home from work a little bit ago and is exhausted, so you will just have to wait. But come back Thursday night/Friday morning, and you can relive the excitement that is H answering questions. Tonight, you will have to settle for me.

So.

Ummm.

Yeah.

Laurel and Anna did a little something that I am going to steal from them. I shall write three statements about myself, two of which will be true, and one of which will be a lie. Of all the people who correctly guess which one is the lie, I will draw one name, and you will win a prize. My first prize giveaway! Are you excited? Please pretend like you are. Without further ado, here are the three statements.

1. I am intensely afraid of spiders.

2. I have seen Incubus, Deftones, and Weezer in concert.

3. I once dated a guy named Mario who got really pissed off when I said he was Mexican.

Check It Before You Wreck It

Time for a comparison.
First look at the baby pictures here.
Then look at my sister's baby picture again.


Does that first picture not look like my sister as a baby on crack? It is freaky! Well, to H and me it is freaky. And also hilarious.

In unrelated picture news, I have created a logo for H's guest posts.

It is H, as drunk David Hasselhoff, as Ann Landers. How could you resist asking this guy for advice?

Corn Syrup

So are you guys excited about H answering all your questions? I hope so. I am a little afraid of what his answers will be, but I told him that I would not censor him like I did/tried to do last time, so be afraid. And please feel free to leave more questions.

Sarah [scroll down] wants to see pictures of me as a little kid, but I think they are all at my mom's house. Here is one picture. I am the older, blonder sister in this photo. I don't think I look like that anymore, but I do think my sister still looks like kind of the same. Except with less baby fat and more hair. When I was a baby, I had just a little bit of (bright red) hair. My mom used to stick bows to my head so that people could tell I was a girl. I asked her one time how she got the bows to stick. The answer was CORN SYRUP.

Ask H

I woke up before 10 am (!) today with lots of plans, and so far I have not even left the house. It is 4:30 pm. I am awesome. I have accomplished the following things though:

1) watched "Ugly Betty" on our DVR. This show is so campy. I kind of love it.
2) watched part of Salt and Pepa's show on VH1. Eh.
3) paid the guy who winterized our sprinklers. This just means he blew all the water out of our pipes so that the pipes wouldn't freeze.
4) cleaned the floors of the master bathroom and the laundry room.
5) took a shower.
6) called a friend and left an awesome message. "H and I are going to carve pumpkins tonight and watch Shawn of the Dead in celebration of Halloween because we are old and lame. Do you want to come over? Not that I think you are old and lame. Because I don't. [awkward laughter] Ummm... call me back if you want. Gottagobye."
7) joined site for bloggers who are going to write every day in November. I can tell you are thrilled!
8) talked to H about doing a guest post. He said he wanted to write one. I asked what he is going to write about, and he said, "I am like Ann Landers! I just answer questions and give advice! Start building up notice about it!" He was really annoyed that I didn't know he was like Ann Landers. So now I know.

If you need advice or have a question for H, please leave a comment. I may have to ask an (anonymous) question or two myself. H will respond to all questions next week, probably on Wednesday night.

Shut Yo' Mouth

I had dinner last night with H, his mom, and his sister. The three of them were discussing someone with whom H and his sister went to high school.

H's Mom: It's amazing that the guy turned out so well considering who his parents are.

H's Sister: Why? What's wrong with his parents?

H's Mom: Oh, I don't know. They are just strange.

H's Sister: What was strange about them?

H's Mom: They were just kind of creepy.

H's Sister: In what way?

H's Mom: They were just creepy.

Me: Did they ask you to swing?



You guys. I asked my mother-in-law if a creepy person asked her to swing! What is wrong with me? But that is what I thought of when she said they were creepy.

H's sister and H's mom busted out laughing. H was both mortified and traumatized. He stared at me and said, "You are speaking to my mother!"

I Can't Explain It

When I first started working at my office, it was quite an adjustment. It is hard to start at a new place where you don't really know anyone, so you end up acting super-formal all day, and you don't really know what you are doing, so you feel kind of stupid, and the day just drags on. Ok, so maybe "you" = "me," but I am pretending these are universal feelings and behaviors.

It took at least a year for me to get to the point where I am now. I have a work BFF and other friends I can call to say, "Oh my gosh, I have to get out of the office right now before I punch someone in the face. Let's go get coffee!" And my days are so much better.

The point of this is that there is a new woman in my office who just moved here from my home state (Home of the Huskers). When I met her, she seemed tremendously nice, and I know how hard it can be to get started in a new place, so I invited her to have lunch with me today. We went to one of my favorite lunch spots, and we had a great lunch. My new coworker seems really fun, and the conversation was really easy and flowy, and I did not have to resort to the lame list of stories that I have to pull out when conversations run dry. We talked a lot about Nebraska, and our conversation, in conjunction with this post about Minnesota from the author of Thirty Before 30 got me thinking about Nebraska and whether I miss it or not.

The answer, essentially, is that I don't miss it. Which is not to say that it isn't a great place to live because it really is. And there are so many things that are quintessentially Nebraska that other people don't get. Like the entire state stops during a Husker game, and everyone knows who the Huskers are playing and at what time. And Nebraskans know that "Husker game" = "Husker football game" because hello? That is how it works. And that during a Husker game is the best time to go to the mall because there will probably only be 5 other shoppers in the entire mall, and even those 5 shoppers will be wearing red because it is Game Day. I don't know. For some reason, it makes me happy to talk about Dodge Street and the College World Series and Creighton basketball.

Nothin' But Net

Today I provide you with two stories that probably couldn't be more different, and yet, they are both about the affirmation of spirit. The previous sentence would be my audition if I were writing for a women's magazine. But I'm not. So instead, I will say - Check these out, peeps.

One Smart Cookie's story is about best friends and being happy with yourself. OSC's friend reminds me of my friend Double_G, and I should really tell Double_G how proud I am of her more often. Also, I have been feeling bad about my life lately, and OSC reminds me to be happy with what I have, and she is right.

Second, we have a story by Nat of Marmite Breath that is crazy and zany and includes a little bit about Paul Rudd and other famous actors about to visit Nebraska. Note to Stefanie: You should really try to become best friends with Nat very quickly because she is about to spend a lot of time with your One True Love (or is that Ethan Hawke, I forget). Anyway. I love Nat, and reading her blog always makes me super happy.

My suggestion for the day: In the comments, share a link to a post or a blog (even your own) that makes your day a little better.

Apparently, October Makes Me Think of Presents

Why am I writing this instead of sleeping at 1 am, you may be asking yourself. I had a cup of coffee at 4 pm. You can tell I am old because caffeine in the afternoon = me typing at 1 am. Well, I also had a cup of coffee in the morning and a soda at lunch. Whatever. Also, I am pretty stressed out and not sure what to do about it. I ate a ton of mozzarella sticks and some chocolate chip waffles for dinner tonight, but I am pretty sure that instead of relieving stress, all that food just made me feel fat.

So now I am searching online for Christmas presents for myself, as normal people do on October 9th.

I like this cashmere sweater in Majestic Purple (size medium).


Or I like this v-neck cashmere sweater in Aqua Blue or maybe Black or White (still a medium).

Ok, that picture didn't work, but I have always admitted that I am technically challenged, so I don't know why you would be surprised.

I also love this blue bead bracelet from Etsy.


I need some mixing bowls with little spouts on them like these.


Finally, I really want some dishes because the ones we have now were my parents that they got really cheap when they got married in approximately 1973. They are big and heavy and not especially attractive. I want some pretty dishes!


If H tells me that I am wasting my Christmases (scroll down to the fourth and last bullet point), I am going to bop him on the nose.

Anything you really want as a present this year?

Everything and Nothing

Because I am a dork, I had to make a little chart of where all you readers live.

Top Ten(-ish) Locations
1. New York - 10
2. Minnesota - 6
3. California - 5
3. Texas - 5
3. Canada - 5
6. Washington (state) - 4
6. Washington, DC - 4
8. Massachusetts - 3
9. Australia - 3
9. Maryland - 2
9. Michigan - 2
9. Nebraska - 2
9. Oklahoma - 2
9. Pennsylvania - 2
9. Virginia - 2
9. Wisconsin - 2

Honorable Mentions(aka places with one reader)
Arizona
Colorado
Connecticut
Georgia
New Jersey
South Carolina
Tennessee
Japan
Italy
Scotland

Isn't that so cool??? I feel like I should introduce you people who live "near" other readers now and then I can be a weird blog-friend matchmaker. Not really.

And now it is time to award the honor of H's Favorite Delurker. This honor goes to Funessa, who wrote (in part):
"So, I live just north of Seattle now, but I'm originally from Chicago. So I LOVE that 'H' calls Wisconsinites Sconnies (I know a lot of 'em, since I went to school with a bunch of 'em in Chicago). Never heard the term, though. But it has become my go-to phrase to describe obnoxious drunks (regardless of where they're from)."
I am afraid that H's Favorite Delurker will also be Stefanie's Least Favorite Delurker, but since this is not her blog, I am guessing Funessa will be ok with that.

Before I let H make too much fun of Sconnies, I would like to note that H got drunk on Saturday by drinking two margaritas. Yes, my husband is a total lightweight. Now, in his defense, the first margarita was pretty big and H was pretty dehydrated. But should two margaritas cause you to recline your seat all the way in the car on the way home, take off your shoes, change the radio station with your feet over and over, and giggle like a little girl? I vote no. (In case you are worried, I was the one driving, not H.)

I promised you some pictures of the holiday house in my neighborhood, so here you go.


Obviously, as there is still visible grass in their yard, they are not done decorating.

Comments

Seriously, people, I am commenting on your blogs, but it is just not working! Your blog may think that I am a spammer. If you receive notification of comments in your e-mail, check your spam folder. And I will try to stop commenting on my love for cheap Vi@gr@ and pills that make your pen!s l0nger.

Delurking Update

Thanks so much to all of you who have left comments so far. If you didn't get a chance to do so yesterday, please leave a comment on this post or the last one letting me know where you live. (You can be as general as you wish.) (Why do I feel the need to give you permission to be general?) (I guess I don't want to scare away people who like to be anonymous.) (Anyway.)

So I am still catching up and trying to go comment on all of your blogs. I think I've commented on about 2/3, and I will continue to leave more comments tonight. Please check your spam file if you don't think I've left a comment. For some reason, lots of blogs think I am a spammer lately. Aargh.

I had a really bad work-day yesterday, ending with me crying as quietly as possible in my office with the door closed, and all your comments definitely cheered me up. So, in summary, comment away!

The Great Delurking

Hello, everyone! Whether you are a regular commenter, a sometimes reader, a passerby, or somewhere inbetween, please stop by today and leave a comment for the great delurking. I will even give you a topic for your comment. Tell me the state or region where you live. Don't be afraid to comment; you can even comment anonymously. People at H's office who read this every day, this means you too!

If you have a blog and leave a comment, I will stop by and comment on your blog as well. It's only fair.

Friend or Foe

First of all, happy October. You know what October means, right? The Holiday House is back! I tried to take pictures today, but they didn't come out very well. I will try again tomorrow.

In other news, a coworker friend (the one who thinks she has a bad haircut) and I had a not very serious at all discussion about friendship. We were talking about the awkwardness of determining how close you are with other people. We decided that the only way to find out how close you are with someone is to bring up an embarrassing topic or make an inappropriate comment and see how the other person reacts. This can be great, like when you discover that the other person really gets your sense of humor, or it can be very awkward, like when you discover that the other person thinks you are a freak. My friend and I have decided that to avoid the awkwardness, we are going to develop a Friendship Questionnaire to hand out to all the people we like (because handing out a questionnaire totally won't be awkward at all). The questionnaire is below.

1. How close is your relationship to me?
a. We are BFF!
b. Close friends
c. Friends
d. Friendly acquaintances
e. I used to like her until she gave me this questionnaire, and now I think she is a freak.
f. Mortal enemies

2. What topics do you feel comfortable discussing with me (repeatedly)?
a. Times I embarrassed myself
b. Boring stories about my work
c. My blog (if you do not know I have a blog, please ignore this option)
d. My love for Ann Taylor Loft
e. The Holiday House
f. Times I winked at my nemesis (also see option 2a above)
g. Pam and Jim (aka PB&J)

Obviously, my coworker friend and I are BFF and can discuss (and have discussed) all of the above topics, except for 2c.