Ummm... yeah

13 Questions for the World:

1. Why do women try to put on makeup while riding on the bus?

2. Who came up with the idea of pantyhose?

3. Why would you ever get a tattoo on your face?

4. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

5. What is the sound of one hand clapping?

6. Is that a real question or just something H says when he is feeling weird?

7. Why do fools fall in love?

8. Can you tell how tired I am by the suckiness of this list?

9. Wouldn't it be cool if Magic 8balls could really tell the future?

10. How do you solve a problem like Maria?

11. Why is H obsessed with Guitar Hero?

12. Who made up the phrase, "There's more than one way to skin a cat"? Seriously, that is disturbing.

13. What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Bloggers, Don't Fail Me Now

Thanks for all the tips (in comments and by e-mail) for our trip to DC. I have one more question to ask you regarding the trip. We will be staying for a few days with H's aunt and uncle (although I think the uncle may be out of town), and I want to get them a gift for letting us stay with them. The only idea I have right now is to scope out their liquor cabinet while we are there and pick up a bottle of wine of the brand (or vintage or something fancy like that) so that I know they will like it. I am worried we may not get to a liquor store though. Any other ideas?

They are about 60, really fun, very smart, and extremely generous. H's aunt volunteers at the White House and at Walter Reed (military hospital). H's uncle has a Ph.D. in Aerodynamics (or something along those lines) and was in the Air Force for yeeeears, but now works for a defense contractor. I am really looking forward to seeing them.

I shall end with a funny anecdote:
H has always loved comic books and comic book characters. When he was little, his favorite character was Spider Man. In fact, he wanted to be Spider Man. He knew Peter Parker had gained his spidey powers when a radioactive spider bit him. H thought for a while about how he could find a radioactive spider and get it to bite him. H caught a spider and put it in the microwave. Unfortunately, after 30 seconds in the microwave, it was probably radioactive* but it was in no shape to bite H.




*Ok, no it wasn't, but it is cute.

The Rundown

H and I had a badminton showdown yesterday. I hate to admit that H was the victor. What I lacked in actual scoring ability, I made up for in the ability to laugh at myself. Today, my wrist is really sore. I am a wuss.

***

I got compliments from EVERYONE at work today about my new haircut. Even the middle-aged straight men complimented my haircut. Because I am Miss Negative, I immediately decided that I must have been looking really bad before the haircut. Or maybe it was the fact that I have recently (pre-haircut) been showing up to work with wet hair and just letting it dry however the heck it felt like. I am so professional.

***

I had to get up at 6 am to make a work-related phone call this morning. You are jealous of my job, no? Anyway, H woke up while I was downstairs making the phone call and was worried that I was missing. He came downstairs and found me, and after I told him what I was doing, he went back to bed. Apparently, he slept through most of the conversation though because he called me at work later that morning to ask where I had been when he woke up at 6 am. Ah, he cracks me up. It was almost as cool as my infamous sleeptalking incident.

***

In further news, I may post a picture of my hair when we return from DC. Don't worry; we aren't leaving for a few more days. Also, you still have time to send your birthday presents in as my birthday is July 5.

The Post In Which I Reveal What a Jerk I Can Be

In the last eight days, four people have asked me when H and I are going to start a family.

The first was a guy in H's class that I met for the first time at H's reunion. Within two minutes of meeting him, he asked H and me when we are going to start having babies. Is this the new way to start conversations? Do guys you've just met normally ask questions like this? Was this a pickup line and I just didn't get it?

One of H's aunt asked us the same question about 30 minutes later. I just smiled and gave some non-committal answer.

Then H's brother's girlfriend asked me the next day. I said, "You know, some guy asked me the same thing last night, and I thought it was so rude." I really said that. Because I have no filter between my brain and my mouth. To appear less of a horrible person, I told her that the reason I thought it was rude is that I didn't even know the guy. I think she bought it.

And then yesterday we saw another one of H's aunts, and she asked us when we're going to start a family. H said, "We're still settling into our new jobs," or something along those lines.

I told H that these questions surprise and annoy me. H took my annoyance as an attack on his family. I think the questions are rude because really, people are asking about your sex life and contraceptives and other very personal things. And what if there were personal medical issues involved? Or what if we don't want to have kids at all? But maybe I am just overly sensitive or perhaps I am picking on H's family.

What is your response to personal questions like this?

Tidbits

I was worried about my last post because it is kind of embarrassing. I am glad all of you enjoyed it! I feel better knowing that we are not the only freaks out there. (I kid because I love.)

***

H and I shall be traveling to Washington, D.C. in the near future. We are going for our friends' wedding, and then we are staying in downtown Arlington for 3 full days and 2 half-days. (It makes sense; trust me.) We were just in D.C. in January, but that was only a weekend trip. This time we want to go to a Washington Nationals (baseball) game, see the WWII Memorial and the Vietnam Memorial, and see the Jefferson and Lincoln Monuments. We also want to have a nice (but not too expensive) dinner on my birthday while we are there. (Notice how I just casually remind you that my birthday is coming up? I am smooth like that.)

Any advice on things we should or should not miss or restaurants we should test out?


***

I am getting a haircut tomorrow, and I think I am going to have my hair stylist person chop a lot off! I am excited. I don't really have a hairstyle right now. My hair just kind of hangs there. We shall see what happens.

Edited 6/24 to add: the haircut turned out very cute!

Shiver Me Timbers!

Thirteen Silly Things that H and I Do:

1. Perform interpretive dances to the opening theme song of The West Wing.

2. When we see a car with extensive American flag decoration, yell, "SOMEONE LOVES AMERICA!"

3. Sing along to 80s songs when driving to high school reunions.

4. Drink 4 margaritas and then call the other one at work. (Ok, that is not so much a "thing we do" as it is a thing H just did tonight. So you don't think H gets home and guzzles margaritas, you should know that he gets home from work several hours before I do. Although he may have guzzled them. I really don't know.)

5. Watch Grey's Anatomy together.

6. Play MarioKart. We haven't done that in a long time though.

7. We also went through a several week period where we played Dr. Mario on original Nintendo every night.

8. Write really boring lists. Oh wait, that is just me.

9. Take dumb pictures of each other. (See Green Giant below for proof. But there are many, many more. And many are much lamer.)

10. Play with the sports equipment while shopping at SuperTarget.

11. Talk like pirates.

12. Do Conan's string dance.

13. Invent horrible, horrible dance moves and then get drunk brave and perform them at weddings.

Too Much Caffeine, Not Enough Sleep

I was driving home from work tonight and heard a song on the radio that I have heard many times before. The DJ/radio announcer guy/whatever introduced the song as Lust for Life by Iggy Pop. And then the song started. And I realized that the words for the chorus are "Lust for Life... Lust for Life."

I have been thinking it was "Let's Go, Life!... Let's Go, Life!" As in: Come on, Life! You can do it! Ummm, yeah. I thought Iggy Pop was cheering for life.

But anyway, Preppy Girl's post the last Thursday reminded me of a trip to the dentist I had blocked from my mind forgotten about. My mom scheduled my sister and I for dentist appointments on Halloween one year in elementary school. No big deal, right? So the dental hygenists might wear cat ears or something. Whatever. What my mom did not count on was that my 60-year-old dentist might also dress up for Halloween. As a cyclist. And he would wear the full cycling uniform: tight shirt with spandex shorts. And then he might stand next to the patient's chair while chatting with my mom. Guess what level my head was at when I was in the patient's chair. If you guessed crotch level, you are correct!

Time for bed.

Ho Ho Ho, Green Giant

So we traveled to H's hometown for the big 10 year reunion and town festival. We had to make a stop along the way to see this though:





(H reenacting a scene from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.)

We made it to town and played with all the nieces and nephews and hung out with H's parents and siblings. Then we went to the two-hour parade. Yes, you read that correctly. TWO HOURS. Some highlights:





I decided to be in a positive and non-snobby mood, so I didn't take any pictures of mullets or men wearing tight-rolled jean shorts. But I did take a picture of this hood ornament:



H seemed to have a really good time. I met several women from H's class, and they were all really nice and normal. It was fun! Especially once I started drinking! I actually met a girl from my hometown who went to my high school's biggest rival high school. It was very exciting for us because we were both drunk. I chatted excessively with some people, as I am known to do when totally wasted, and I took lots of pictures of H and my new best friends.

A warning for those who decide to try this at home: 2 hour parade + lots of alcohol + sinus headache + little sleep + in-laws deciding to have tons of family over at their house the next morning to celebrate 2 of the nephews' birthdays = rude daughter-in-law who sleeps through most of the day and shows up unshowered and barely talks to anyone at the party. The kids didn't care though because we got them kick-ass presents. Best aunt ever!!!!

A Whole Different Kind of Weekend Trip

Last weekend, we had a multi-hour plane trip across the country to San Francisco. (We flew Midwest, the airline with which I am now in love. Oh, the warm cookies! And the DigePlayers!)

This weekend, we are taking a short drive to H's hometown for his 10-year high school reunion. (I do not share the same love for either of our cars. And there will be no food or entertainment during the drive.) His graduating class was 23 people. He is still close with a few of the guys from his class and is looking forward to seeing them. These guys take an annual weekend trip to a cabin on a lake in different parts of Minnesota each year. It is interesting when the guys get together because they really don't have that much in common anymore, but they have this tight-knit bond because they went through so much together growing up. We moved around so much when I was growing up that the only person I really have that with is my sister. (And my San Francisco friend, to a lesser extent.)

Last time that I went out with H in his hometown, we went to some biker bar to meet up with his friends. A girl from his high school class was there; she was the first female from his class I had met (and the only one to this day). Since the guys spend most of their time together laughing hysterically about practical jokes they played on each other in the 9th grade, I tried to bond with the girl.

I said, "Hi, my name is R."

She asked, "Which NASCAR driver do you think is cuter: Some Guy or Some Other Guy?"

I answered, "Well, I don't really know anything about NASCAR."

And then she looked down her nose at me and walked away.

In other words, I will be taking lots of pictures this weekend!

All the Rice-a-Roni You Can Eat

Thirteen Fantastic Things About My Trip to San Francisco

1. I got to see my dad, my friend, and my friend's fiance. (Not all at the same time.)

2.

When the girl went to pick up this cake, the baker whispered to her, "Here is the cake of the... male torso." I think the baker was mortified. And yet the reason of the bikini on the cake looks so... full is that the put an actual banana under the frosting.

3. One guy very seriously but drunkenly asked me not to tell his mom he had been drinking. He had to be about 24. And I have never met his mom. And I am pretty sure his mom lives in New York. So I think he is pretty safe.

4. There was much discussion of the possibility that there will be an elephant at my friend's wedding.

5. Once H found out that there is a tradition that people steal the groom's shoes during the wedding ceremony and refuse to give them back until the groom forks over some cash, H became determined to steal the groom's shoes at the wedding. I tried to convince him that this is a tradition for the family, but he seems to be undeterred in his scheming.

6. We suprised (I hope) my friend with a scrapbook. Each guest, and some others who could not make the trip, made a page. One page had the e-mail that introduced my friend and her fiance. One page had a fantastic painting and sweet wishes to the couple for a happy marriage. Some pages were hilarious, some were very sweet, and I think she really loved it.

7. Brunch in the Castro, baby!

8. Hiking in Muir Woods.

9. The bus drive to the hike in which my friend's friend stalled the bus driver so that my friend could make the bus, and then the bus driver proceeded to make up for lost time by driving like a bat out of hell and making jokes over the bus's PA system.

10. We were in San Francisco!

11. My friend's fiance is a super cute drunk.

12. So is my friend. (I would post pictures of their super drunken cuteness, but that would be pretty rude of me considering that I won't post pictures of myself. Although I think I was a pretty cute drunk on our trip. Not the whole trip, just the parts that required drinking.)

13. Dancing with a really weird 80s band. (That is not an insult. I am pretty sure that is how they would describe themselves.)

Late Night

Client-hosted suite at Twins game.
Twins v. Red Sox.
Johann Santana v. Curt Schilling.
(Too late to check spelling.)
13 strikeouts by Santana.
(Too late to check stats.)
Tied 1-1 at the end of 9 innings.
Tied 1-1 at the end of 10 innings.
Tied 1-1 at the end of 11 innings.
Sox score a run in the top of the 12th.
Bases loaded in the bottom of the 12th.
One out.
Full count.
We just need one run to tie, two to win.
Guy hits a GRAND FREAKING SLAM HOME RUN.
IT WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS I was only a few feet away from Kevin Garnett (star NBA player).

PPS When we were discussing crazy names (I still love Beamer Weems), how did we forget COCO CRISP (a player for the Red Sox). Seriously. His name is Coco Crisp.

You've Got to Have Friends

I just got home from work a few minutes ago and have to be back at work early, but I wanted to take some time to write something so that you would all know that I am still alive.

H and I were in San Francisco for the weekend. H got back from his conference Wednesday night at 11 something, rested on Thursday, and then we flew to California Friday morning. We had a fantastic time. My best friend from high school is getting married in a few weeks, so we flew out this weekend for a bachelor/bachelorette weekend. I love my friend and am so impressed with her ability to maintain close friendships with her friends all across the country. People flew and drove in from Virginia, Wisconsin, Missouri, Los Angeles, and New York, and even more friends are going to travel to DC to celebrate the actual wedding with my friend and her fiance.

I will write more about the events or about something else tomorrow, but right now, I need to sleep!

Thirteen Things (Or People, In This Case)

Today, my thirteen things are the thirteen degrees of -R-. The premise is based on the idea of six degrees of separation, or six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but instead of Kevin Bacon, it is me! And really it is going to be one degree of -R- because I am just going to list "famous" people I have met or have a (somewhat tenuous, and by somewhat I mean very) connection.

When I reread this post, it looks like I am namedropping. But the point of this is how LAME my namedropping is.

1. George Burns - When trying to fly to visit my grandparents in Florida when I was about 5, my family was trapped in the DFW airport because there was a tornado warning. So was George Burns! So I chatted with him.

2. Sarah Vowell - I met her at a book reading, as you may remember.

3. Ahman Green - I was on a flight with him not too long ago. He was sitting one row ahead and across the aisle from me. The guy next to him did not speak to him the whole flight, and then when Ahman was about to get off the plane, the guys blurted out, "Good luck, Ahman!" Ahman just rolled his eyes. He also tried to make a phone call during the flight and use his Ipod when we weren't supposed to be using electronic devices. It was so crazy!!! [read with sarcasm]

4. One of the stars of the American Pie movies - I went to high school, had a lot of classes, and was in extracurricular activities with this person. FYI, this person is a jerk.

5. My dad had lunch with Bo Jackson when Bo (we are on a first name basis) played for both the Royals and whatever football team he played for.

6. Brett Saberhagen (former pitcher for the KC Royals) - When he was pitching for KC, he was one of my friend's neighbors. I was in the first grade, and I think my friend gave me a baseball card signed by Mr. Saberhagen.

7. When I was in fourth and fifth grade, one of my friends lived across the street from a NY Jet. The Jet's daughter went to school with me but was much younger. We were obviously very close, as I have no idea what the daughter's name or the player's name is.

8. Aaron Neville - My dad also met him about ten years ago when Aaron Neville was filming an American Express commercial.

9. My mom met some of the original members of the Beach Boys. They were playing at some corporate event my parents had to go to.

10. We met a football player for the University of Minnesota on the flight from Houston to Minneapolis a couple of weeks ago. He is not famous, but he is a starting player for the team. I am running out of people!

11. Oh, John (Jon?) Carroll, who was on one of the Survivor shows and did pretty well- I worked with him on some things. (Could I be more vague?)

12. David Letterman - DL and I were at the same minor league game in Indianapolis when I was in 6th or 7th grade. I didn't actually get to meet him, but he was about two feet away from me. If I can count the Ahman Green thing, I can count this.

13. George Schulz, former Secretary of State - my friend has met with him and is/was doing research for his next book, I think. Or something. I would call and ask, but I have to leave to go pick H up at the airport!

If I were a good blogger, I would provide links for each of these people, but I am not, so I will not. To which "celebrities" do you have a tenuous connection???

M is for...

I was not going to blog tonight, but H just called me. He asked if I have ever seen the movie The Nutty Professor starring Eddie Murphy. I have not. [Sarah, you may want to stop reading right now.] H said that the grandma in the movie, played by Eddie Murphy, says that there is only one white man that makes her moist, and H and some girl from Kentucky in the hotel bar placed $100 bet as to who the white man is. H told me to go to the computer and find out who the white man is. And God bless Google, when I searched "Nutty Professor moist," I found the answer: Mike Douglas. So I told this to some strange public defender from Kentucky, and she told me that H and I are now $100 richer. RANDOM.

When You Assume...

The other day, I had to bring a ton of files home from work so that I could finish up some work at home. I had to walk a long way through the skyways, and this guy in front of me held several doors open for me, which was very nice. Eventually, he said to me, "You must be a paralegal!"

I replied politely, "No, I'm an attorney."

Silence. He turned red.

"Well, at my firm," he said, "paralegals often have to carry lots of files, and..."

"It's ok," I said.

But I was annoyed. If I were male, he wouldn't have assumed I was a paralegal.

Anyway, the situation in the skyways was really awkward because after Assumption Guy made his comment, I had to keep walking behind him for several minutes. Finally, we got to where I had to exit the skyway, but he kept going. The guy behind me smiled at me and said, "I must be a computer scientist since I have a laptop."

***

I just finished watching the movie A Cut Above: 100 Years of Duke Basketball. Why am I watching a promotional movie about Duke basketball on a Monday night in June? Umm... because Duke is the best college basketball school ever, Shawn Battier is HOT, Carlos Boozer rented his mansion to Prince (who painted parts of it purple and installed weird things in it), Coach K is awesome, Mike Dunleavy, Grant Hill, and did I mention my love for college-age Christian Laettner? I love the underdog too, but not when the underdog is playing Duke. Please do not even bother to tell me that Duke players do not do well in the NBA. I don't care. I am all about what happens when they are at Duke.

***

I promised stories of H and his pal Christopher Ch@mp@gne, but I don't really have much. I have discovered that when public defenders get together at conferences, they proceed to get drunk every night. That is not really a surprise though. I think that is pretty much how it goes whenever large groups of lawyers get together. One of the other people at the conference is a former Miss Fitness USA. I don't know how H finds out about things like that, but he always does. Hopefully I will be able to dig up some more dirt about the conference tomorrow.

TV Guide

I have been watching random tv shows this weekend that I know H would freak out about if he were home. I watched some of The Hills on MTV, but I did not watch Laguna beach or whatever the predecessor show was, so I didn't know who the people were and why I was supposed to care about them. I know there are vapid people in the world, but this show made me sad, and I couldn't watch it. Sometimes I like shows like that, but I couldn't get into it.

I also watched some of Supergroup on VH1. It sucked overall, but there was a good part. Ted Nugent took the other guys in the group to this big sports store, that was basically like Cabella's (if that means anything to you). There was a scene where Sebastian Bach was trying to explain who he was to a 50-year-old mom and her 25-year-old daughter. First, why does Sebastian Bach care if these people know who he is? These women were not hot, so that was not the motivation. Second, how did he know they didn't know who he is? Does he just wander around asking people if they know who he is? Third, the way he explained who he is was hilarious. He asked, "Do you know Skid Row?" They didn't. He asked, "Do you know [song Skid Row is famous for]?" They didn't. (I didn't either, but I know nothing about hair bands.) He sang part of the song. They stared at him blankly. He asked, "Do you watch the Gilmore Girls?" They did. He said excitedly, "I'm on that show! I'm in the band!" He was so excited that they knew Gilmore Girls. It was awesome.

I also watched part of an episode of Friends, just because H basically has a heart attack when that show comes on because he hates it so much, for some reason. And I watched part of a show about Kathy Griffin on Bravo, just because H hates Kathy Griffin.

So I watched a part of a lot of shows. Very exciting. I told you my blog would be boring!

***

Stories of H and C.C. to come (maybe tomorrow)!

***

Remember the discussion of cool names, such as Ms. Drinkwine and Mr. Pancake? I found the best name ever: Beamer Weems.

I Did It!

Just a little note to let you know I mowed the lawn Friday night, and I am still alive with all appendages intact! Thank you for all the offers and advice. (Galoot, I am sure the neighbors would have liked your white gut as much as they liked my disgusting bug-bite-covered legs.) Like Grumpy Frump, I have discovered that I have a huge grass allergy. I actually already knew I had it, but I did not realize how red and watery my eyes would be after my grass-cutting adventure. I had planned to get Chipotle after I mowed the lawn, but my eyes were too freaky looking to be seen by the public, so I had to wait until lunch on Saturday for a burrito. All these other blogs obsessing about Chipotle finally got to me!

Home Alone!

I have been home alone since 5:30 tonight. (I left work early to take H to the airport.) So far I have successfully run the sprinkler system to water our front lawn (which involves turning the water line on and off in the basement, so it is not as easy as it sounds- but it is still really easy), watched most of 8 Mile (which my mom saw at the theater because she thought it was a comedy), eaten half a container of Edy's Light Slow-Churned Ice Cream (or whatever it is called) (which is totally healthy because it has 1/2 the calories of regular ice cream, I didn't eat lunch, and for dinner I had a Lean Cuisine), and done two hours of work (with several more to come after this blogging break).

Unfortunately, our lawn has gone haywire and begun sprouting or something, and I am going to have to mow it. I HAVE NEVER MOWED A LAWN BEFORE IN MY WHOLE LIFE. I am very scared. The chances of me cutting off a finger are about 1/20, but the chances of me losing a toe or at least running over my foot are about 1/2. You should be concerned. I have never even started a lawn mower before. (I would like to point out that we only moved into this house last September and H freaking loves to mow the lawn, but I also must admit that I am spoiled.) I am going to make sure the neighbors are home before I attempt this so that there will be someone around who can drive me to the hospital if need be.